Horny idiots
by Zetai
Summary: Akatsuki are insane and Orochimaru is a freak, so Itachi and Sasuke decide to leave that crap behind and go back to Konoha together. However, in a village with too many Uchiha fans and a hokage who is quite eccentric herself, they get more than they bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

**Horny idiots ch.1**

Warning: This thing begins as ItaSasu yaoi, but in the next chapters there will be various other pairings, random fucking, and Itachi and Sasuke paired with a lot of people. Yeah, I made a mess here. And there are idiotic things. Read if you dare.

******

Itachi looked around. It was getting darker in the forest, the branches of the old trees were slightly creaking in the gentle wind, he looked at the treetops, outlined against the evening sky, and the heavy shadows thickening around him, then he took a deep breath. This atmosphere could be so nice, so peaceful and quiet, it could be so relaxing, if that little moron wasn't making all that noise. Poor Itachi had got a headache already, and was wondering what to do. He hadn't imagined this moment to be like that.

"Man, you gotta be kidding me!" Sasuke's face was squirming in a painful expression of disbelief.

Itachi sighed. "Damn you, Sasu, I told you the whole story three times already! Why can't you understand? You're an idiot or something?"

Itachi was peacefully sitting on the soft grass, Sasuke was jumping around, waving his arms and yelling like mad.

"Well, Itachi, I guess I'm supposed to be awfully happy that you decided to find me and tell me that you're the good guy after all, and you really didn't want to kill the damn clan, but you had to obey the orders, and now you want to say the whole 'I'm so sorry' bullshit, and I'm probably supposed to hug you, wiping my tears of happiness and saying 'I forgive you nii-san'. Huh! Well, I'm sorry that I'm not overwhelmed with joy!"

Itachi was getting irritated as hell. "What's your fucking problem, Sasu?"

Sasuke gave him an insane glare. "Dude, you're trying to tell me that I spent three damn years living with that perverted freak Orochimaru, and all was just for nothing? All the sacrifices I made in order to get stronger and get my revenge, all the scary things I had to bear, it was for nothing? Because suddenly you appear to be oh so nice and not guilty at all. You made a fool of me! Do you have any idea what kind of things happened to me? Orochimaru is sick!" Sasuke sat on the ground next to Itachi, exhausted from his raging anger and all the wild yelling.

Itachi sighed again.

"Sasuke, I didn't have an easy life either, living with all these demented freaks. Do you know what they did to me in Akatsuki? These cruel heartless monsters! They mocked at me all the time. They're insane, all of them! When I joined them and I had to introduce myself, I said 'I am Itachi', and they laughed like crazy, damn idiots. And then… Every day, every fucking day they forced me… to watch 'I am Weasel' on Cartoon Network. Don't laugh, Sasu, it's not funny at all! One day they even tried to make me cosplay! That was the day when I couldn't take it any more, and I ran away. It was horrible there, horrible! Do you have any idea what it's like to watch Tobi perform the Baboon's victory dance? First it was just 'Tobi is a good boy', but then he turned into a real disaster! Have you ever seen the 'I R Tobi' phenomenon, huh? Creepy! I'm scared for life!"

"Oh, poor you!" Sasuke laughed sarcastically. "You have no idea what Oro the weirdo did to me!"

Just the thought of Orochimaru made Itachi hard. He moved closer to Sasuke.

"Why don't you tell me about it, Sasu?"

Sasuke didn't like the dirty gleam that suddenly appeared in Itachi's eyes, but he muttered "Well… the moment he saw me he started touching me inappropriately…"

"Yes? How exactly?" Itachi moved even closer to Sasuke, breathing heavily.

'Um… well, he was touching my… and he was shoving his fingers in… and his tongue… and he made me wear all these weird things… and all the whips and the chains… and his… so big… and all the unimaginable things he did to me… Hey, what the hell are you doing?!"

Itachi was shoving his hand in Sasuke's pants. Sasuke tried to pull away, but Itachi grasped his arm and held him firmly, his other hand started unzipping his pants.

"No!"

Normally, fucking Itachi was something Sasuke wouldn't refuse, but right now he was really mad at him.

"Let me go!" He writhed and struggled, but Itachi held him.

"Damn you, Itachi! You can't do that! You can't just appear out of nowhere and say 'Oh, hi Sasu. Er? You wanna kill me? No, dude, that's a bad idea, cause, you know, actually that 'incident' with the clan was not my fucking fault, really. And now let me give you a nice brotherly fuck in the ass.' No! No fucking way, Itachi! Get your dirty hands off me!"

Itachi laughed at him.

"Aww, now he's trying to pretend he's such an innocent little angel, how cute." He knocked Sasuke on the ground and lay on top of him, pressing himself to his body. He slid a hand under his shirt and pinched his nipples. They were already hard. Then he licked his face and shoved his tongue in his ear. A wave of pleasure ran through Sasuke's body and he knew he wouldn't be able to resist much longer, but he didn't want Itachi to think he could do to him whatever he wanted.

"I hate you, Itachi, you're the same as damn Oro, trying to force me to… touching me so inappro-…."

"Mmmhmmm" Itachi's impatient fingers squeezed his flesh. "When the one who's touching you is me, it's absolutely appropriate. Mmmm… Sasu…" He tried to kiss his lips, but Sasuke was squirming like mad, trying to avoid his touches.

"Oh, come on, Sasu, I know you want it… hmmm." Itachi started rubbing his hips against Sasuke's, giving his neck and ear playful licks, as he continued whispering.

"Sasu… I know what kind of things Oro is doing to people, trust me, I know from my own experience, and I know very well that you must have enjoyed everything he did to you… well, almost everything. And to spend three years with him… he must have turned you into a greedy little whore. Now don't pretend you're an innocent clueless boy, cause your nii-san knows what your little butt wants." Saying that, Itachi managed to shove his hand deeper in Sasuke's pants.

"Aaaah" Sasuke writhed more when he felt Itachi's fingers grip his dick and squeeze it. Itachi tried to kiss him again, but Sasuke was turning his head so wildly that it was impossible to reach his lips.

"Uh, let me kiss you, damn it! Come on, give your nii-san a nice sweet kiss… Uh, fine then!" Itachi grasped Sasuke's hair and pinned his head to ground, so that Sasuke wasn't able to move it. Then he roughly pressed his lips on his mouth and tried to shove his tongue inside, but Sasuke was clenching his teeth.

"Damn it!" Itahci clutched his throat, poor Sasuke choked and parted his lips in a desperate attempt to take a breath, then the violent tongue shoved inside and rolled all over his mouth.

"Mmphmfmph"

Itachi finally pulled away. "Now don't tell me you didn't like it, Sasu."

"I didn't!" Sasuke muttered angrily, but the blush on his face showed a different thing. And the blush got brighter and brighter as Itachi's fingers were writhing inside Sasuke's pants, ravaging everything they could find there.

"When was the last time you did this with Oro, eh? Tell me, Sasuke. You haven't done it for a while, am I right? And you're hot and horny, ehehe, you can't deceive your nii-san."

Itachi turned him over to make him lie on his stomach, and pinned him to the ground again, holding both of his wrists with one of his hands. His other hand briefly removed Sasuke's pants and underwear, and playfully slapped his bare ass. He slid his fingers in the crack and parted the cheeks to take a look at the hole. Then he slipped a finger inside, and Sasuke couldn't hold a gasp and a lustful moan.

Itachi smirked. "Ohohoho, niiice, good old Oro did a great job here." He moved his finger back and forth, enjoying the way the muscles twitched as if Sasuke's ass wanted to swallow it. Sasuke wanted to say something, but he could make only incoherent moaning sounds of pleasure.

Itachi added a second finger, and his smirk grew larger. "Mmmm, not too tight and so sensitive…mmmhmhm… Oro had a lot of fun in here… mmm, so nice."

"Aaaaah… ooh… ooh…"

"Ehehe, you like it, Sasu, you like it, you were Oro's little bitch after all." Itachi stopped moving his fingers and chuckled evilly. Sasuke let out a pathetic pleading whine. His ass was so heated already, and he didn't want Itachi to stop. Itachi pushed his fingers a little deeper, deliberately pressing his fingertips to the special spot, then he pulled them out.

"Mmmm! Nii-saaaaaaan!"

"If you want me to continue, you must tell me you want me and beg me."

"Damn you, nii-san! Yeah, I want it, now do it, damn it!"

"Ehehe, Sasukeee, you forget your good manners, didn't old Oro teach you? Now ask me politely."

Poor Sasuke felt like beating the crap out of Itachi, but right now he was at Itachi's mercy, horny and helpless, and he had to obey.

"Urrh. Fine then!" He gritted his teeth, then he hissed sarcastically "Itachi, my dear beloved brother, would you please be so kind to shove your fingers in my ass again, please?"

Itachi squirmed. "Ahahahaha, Sasu, you moron, ahahaha, no, not like that, ahaha, now say it dirty."

Sasuke writhed impatiently and yelled "Ooooh, fuck me, Itachi, fuck my ass, fuck me, please… I want you in my ass, PLEASE! PLEA- … aaa… aaah." He stopped talking when he felt Itachi's hard dick suddenly and roughly thrust in his ass. Fast, fierce slams.

"Oooh, that's so fucking awesome, mmmm… aah… yeah, Sasuuu." Itachi closed his eyes, as he felt the soft flesh inside, so heated, so pleasurably rubbing against his skin, no resistance, it wasn't too tight, thrusting inside was so smooth and easy, and everything was so soft, sucking him in and pressing him so gently.

Itachi slammed him really hard, Sasuke was close to coming, and that was the moment when he was probably supposed to scream 'Itachi, I'm coming' or something like that. But an evil idea formed in his mind.

Itachi was riding him like mad. "Oooh, you like it, Sasu, tell me you like me… aaah… your nii-san is the best, I'm better than Oro, I'm the best, scream for me!"

Then Sasuke came. He writhed and deliberately yelled "Oooh… yes… yes… Orochimaru… aah… Orooo…"

"What? I don't think that's my name, Sasuke!" Itachi was mad. "You little shit!" Then he gave poor Sasu's ass the most hard and angry slamming he was capable of. He gripped the cheeks of his ass and thrusted with all his force, pulling Sasuke's body towards himself at the same time. First he made a few slow, very deep and heavy slams, then he pounded him at the highest possible speed, with even greater force, making loud slapping sounds every time their bodies crashed together. He smirked at the way Sasuke's body was shaking, his hair waving, and his voice when he whined was suddenly so thin and trembling.

Itachi growled through his gritted teeth "Now, what was my name , Sasuke?"

Some incoherent sound came from the little shaking form in his arms.

"Er? What was that, Sasuke?" Then he heard some more whines, and then something like "Aaa ah aaa Itaaaaa ah chii iii iiiii"

When they were done with that and calmed down, they thought things over and decided that they should be together from now on, and since they had no where else to go, they made the conclusion that they should return to Konoha.

And there they were, on the road to the village, Itachi was walking with a happy grin on his face, after slamming Sasu's ass so nicely and roughly, and poor Sasuke was limping behind him.

**to be continued**

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's comments**

I've planned this fic to be very dirty and idiotic, I hope you like it. And I have the urge to make weird references with retarded shows. And no, I'm not so retarded, and I didn't watch "I am Weasel"… too much.

And now I need someone to say the disclaimer. Um… Ita-chan? Ita-chan, come here, I need you to say something.

Itachi: *clueless look*

Me: Come on, Ita-chan, say what I want you to say.

Itachi: No!

Me: Ita-chaaan, pweaase!

Itachi: Uh! Fine! Why everyone make me say this? *clears his throat, waves his arm in the air and yells* I am Weasel!

Me: Er… Ita-chan… actually I meant the disclaimer… Besides, what you said didn't sound the same as in the show, I think you lack enthusiasm…

Itachi: Damn!


	2. Chapter 2

**Horny idiots ch. 2**

Warning: Yaoi, ItaSasu again. Hm, so you dared to read. Good. Just ya wait for the other pairings, haha.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Tsunade gave them a severe look. The two Uchihas stood before her with innocent pleading expressions on their faces.

"I see." she finally said. "I know who made you kill your clan, Itachi, they told me. No one can blame you for that, I know it's not your fault. As for you, Sasuke… I'll try to believe your story that you were innocently training in the forest when Orochimaru appeared and gave you candy, and you were stupid enough to go with him. And then you couldn't leave him, because you got addicted to the candy. Oh, and of course when you fought Naruto you were under the effect of the candy, and you were not responsible for your actions. Yeah, riiight, suuure I'll believe you. Whatever. So now you're telling me that both of you are Konoha's enemies no more, you have inappropriate incestuous relationship, and you want to come back and live here in Konoha, and fuck happily ever after? Fine. I have no problem with that. I'll allow you to stay here, and I'll make sure that no one bothers you, but I have one condition."

She made a dramatic pause and her expression became very serious.

"Itachi Uchiha! You'll have to agree to do something." Then she couldn't hold a naughty smirk. "I bet your brother will like it, haha."

She went closer to Itachi and whispered something in his ear. Itachi blushed brightly and briefly yelled "No way!"

Tsunade growled angrily "Uchiha! Do as I tell you, or I'll consider you Konoha's enemy! Now do it, I really wanna see that!" She sat in her chair and licked her lips, ready to watch.

In a minute they seemed ready to begin. Poor Itachi looked so sad and miserable, his face was bright red. He was bent over Tsunade's desk, Sasuke was standing behind his bare ass, looking nervously at Tsunade.

She giggled. "Come on, what are you waiting for?"

Both of them had a lot of twisted experience with Orochimaru, but they had never thought they would have to do anything like that in front of the hokage. Poor Itachi was perverted enough, other people watching him when he fucked was not a problem, but he had never thought about letting his little brother, his slutty uke, the weaker and the submissive one, to slam his ass. And to do it in front of the damn hokage! If Tsunade had asked Itachi to pound Sasuke, it wouldn't have been a problem at all. But she wanted to see Itachi's ass pounded. Poor Itachi wanted to sink in the ground.

"I'm not gonna wait for you all day! Sasuke Uchiha! Start slamming now or both of you go to jail!"

Just the sight of Itachi's naked ass was enough to make Sasuke hard. Tsunade smirked at him and pointed at his erection. "I see you're ready, come on, don't waste my time! I'll prepare him for you."

She stretched her arm and reached for Itachi's ass. He hid his face in his hands when she shoved her fingers inside and moved them in and out a few times, stretching his hole. "Hm, it's dry, lick him, Sasuke… yeah, like that, oooh." She couldn't hold her excited grunting as she watched the tip of Sasuke's moist tongue brush the puckered skin and gently shove inside. She wiped the streak of saliva off her chin. "Yeah, plunge it deep, shove it back and forth, yeah, you like it, Itachi, eh?" She slapped his ass. He was still hiding his face in his hands.

"Enough." Tsunade licked her fingers and shoved them in Itachi's ass again, thrusting deep, this time she seemed to be content.

"Ah, perfect. Now let me see what you can do, Sasuke."

Tsunade growled with satisfaction when Sasuke's dick finally slipped inside Itachi, and Sasuke started a steady rhythm. She pulled Itachi's hands away from his face.

"Ehehe, Uchiha, what's the matter, you're blushing like a virgin little girl. And that cute ass of yours is so not virgin, thanks to Oro's 'activity' in there. Haha, embarrassed to be your little brother's uke, eh?"

Itachi gave her a hateful look and bit his lip, then moaned, because in that moment the feeling of Sasuke's dick sliding in and out of his heated flesh became unbearably pleasant. Tsunade grabbed Itachi's chin and lifted his face up to look at him, she chuckled at the sight of his blushing cheeks and the look in his eyes, suddenly filled with desire, the look of a cute little whore mixed with some ridiculous shame. She could tell he was already horny as hell. If Sasuke could see his face too, he would find it awfully funny, because Itachi had a completely different expression when he was seme.

"Aw, what a cute little horny weasel!" Tsunade was utterly enjoying this, she almost laughed at the way Itachi's face squirmed when he heard her words.

Sasuke was panting, thrusting faster and faster. Tsunade stood up from her chair and leaned forward, staring intently at Itachi's ass, his soft skin stretched around Sasuke's thick cock. She screamed with joy, shoved a finger inside and started moving it, synchronizing her thrusts with Sasuke's.

Itachi was writhing and pushing his hips to meet Sasuke's slams, he clawed the desk and screamed as he came all over the papers that were scattered on it. Sasuke could feel Tsunade's finger moving together with his dick, then he felt the rest of her fingers brush his balls and he came, his eyes meeting her greedy perverted gaze.

At that moment Shizune entered the room. "Tsunade-sama, I downloaded the "I am Weasel" fanart you wanted, these pics are really perver-" she stopped in the middle of the sentence and yelped when she saw what was going on. She smiled happily at the sight of Itachi's perfect naked ass, her fingers twitched, willing to touch it. Then she regained her seriousness and frowned.

"Tsunade-sama, it's not time for playing, you have tons of work!"

"Eh, fine. Uchihas! What you did here was really good. You can go now. I'll give my orders and no one will bother you. Itachi, what you did with your clan was painful for you, but it was for the sake of the village, I am aware of that. That's why you will receive some money as a compensation for the inconvenience that was caused to you. Now both of you get out of my sight, I'll give you your old house, you can live there and happily fuck as much as you want." Tsunade giggled and waved her finger, covered in Sasuke's cum. "Shizune, do you wanna taste this? Mmmm, it's good." Shizune blushed, laughed nervously, and licked her lips. Of course she wanted. She was staring in awe at Itachi's body, her fingers were twitching.

Itachi got dressed as fast as he could, then he grabbed Sasuke's hand and dragged him out of the room, stumbling over Tsunade's pig and giving Shizune a hateful glare. When they were gone Shizune looked at the cum covered papers on Tsunade's desk and pouted.

"Tsunade-sama! Why are you always like that? I leave you alone for five minutes and you immediately make a mess!"

"Hn. If you have a problem with the mess, Shizune, then clean it. With your tongue!"

******

Widened eyes stared at them and people whispered to each other whenever the two Uchihas appeared on the street. Finally it was clear that it wasn't just a rumor and they had really come back to the village, and for some mysterious reason everyone was supposed to accept this and pretend that nothing had happened in the past. That was hokage's order. No one knew why the two Uchihas had the hokage's permission to stay in Konoha, obviously she had a pretty good reason. Some people disapproved of this, others were simply dumbfounded, and some people were beyond themselves with joy.

Itachi and Sasuke shifted uncomfortably. Kakashi's gaze slowly traced every line of their bodies, he was smiling and nodding approvingly. Both Uchihas had grown up and were hotter than before. But Kakashi wasn't the only one to notice that. Beside him were standing Naruto and Saskura, dumbfounded and blushing, their gaze fixed on Sasuke, their jaws hanging to the ground, in their eyes was flashing something more than just joy from seeing an old friend. They looked at him as if they wanted to eat him. Then after a few minutes of silent observation they finally noticed that Itachi was there too.

"Sasu, I can't believe I see you with your brother, you were supposed to hate each other or something, I think." Naruto was utterly surprised.

Sasuke coughed. "Well, actually… we're together now."

A scary suspicion started to rot Sakura's mind, but Naruto was as clueless as he usually was.

"Well, yeah, you're brothers after all, if you don't hate each other any more, I guess you don't want to kill him now, haha."

"More than that. I said we're together, Naruto, now he's with me."

Naruto scratched his head. "Yeah, he's your only family, I guess you'll live together or something."

"Of course we'll live together you idiot, and that's not the only thing we'll do together!" Sasuke had forgotten how stupid Naruto could be.

"A-Are you trying to say that…" Sakura pointed at them, her hand was shaking, her face slowly started turning purple.

"Say what? Sakura-chan, are you all right, what's the matter with you?" She wanted to smash Naruto's face, his ridiculous expression of concern and innocent bewilderment.

"OMG! Sasuke, are these two retarded? If they can't get it, let's show them!" Itachi tangled his fingers in Sasuke's hair and pulled him closer, wrapping his other arm around his waist, he captured his lips in a soft sweet kiss, then shoved his tongue in his mouth, making the kiss deeper and more passionate, his hand gripped Sasuke's butt and squeezed it.

They were in the middle of the crowded street and the people near them froze and widened their eyes in disbelief.

Kakashi had started reading after losing interest in Naruto's hopeless attempts to understand the obvious, but all these sudden and unexpected actions made him drop his book and stare, his mask soaking with blood.

Sakura's face turned from purple to red, then back to purple, then blue, then white, and she almost fainted, Naruto made an expression as if someone had eaten all his ramen, leaving nothing for him.

"S-Sasuke, how could you, he… he is a boy and… and your brother, and he's not me! You're supposed to be with me!" Sakura burst into tears.

Naruto gave her an odd look. "I'm sorry Sakura-chan, but he was never interested in you." Then he turned to Sasuke, his face twitching in some pitiful miserable grimace, his lower lip was trembling as if he was just about to start crying, he let out a few pathetic whines and muttered "Sasukeee… you can't do this, don't tell me that what we had meant nothing to you!"

"You had what?" Sakura's eyes widened.

Sasuke looked at the ground nervously. "Fucking you was a nice thing, Naruto, really, but I already told you that now I'm with Itachi."

Sakura suddenly felt so weak and dizzy, the world swirled around her and she collapsed on her knees. Then she angrily slammed her fist on the ground and yelled "Why? Why? That's unbelievable! To fuck that moron and not me, and then to choose your… your own brother… Why, Sasuke, why? What is it that you don't like about me? I don't get it!"

She pointed at Itachi, giving him ferocious glares. "What does he have that I don't?" She didn't even realize how stupid her question was, but it was too late now, she had asked it.

Sasuke looked at her coldly and merely said "A dick." Her jaw dropped.

"Well, my dick was good enough for you, Sasuke, when I slammed it into you!" Naruto yelled. Just the sound of these words made Sakura squirm painfully, but Naruto went on. "And my ass was good enough for you when you pounded me into the mattress, moaning like mad and whispering to me all those dirty words, telling me how tight I was and how much you enjoyed it!"

A small crowd of curious people had gathered around them, blushing and quietly whispering to each other. Kakashi had turned his back on them, hoping no one would notice he was already hard as hell. Sakura was hitting her head in the ground.

"Hm." No one had noticed that Sai had joined them and was silently observing their little drama. Now he looked at them confused. "Apparently I made a mistake. I should have called Sakura 'dickless', not Naruto."

Itachi and Sasuke thought they had enough of this and left. They went to their old house, now it was repaired and was their home again. Sasuke felt icy needles pierce his heart when he turned his back on Naruto. He had really nice memories with him and he couldn't deny he cared for him. And the way Naruto looked now, he had changed too, something in his face… and in his body, though he was the same idiot as before. Of course this could never be compared to what Sasuke felt for Itachi, and yet… he missed the cute little blond, no matter how stupid and ridiculous he could be sometimes.

**to be continued**

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's comments**

Haha, Tsunade's favourite show is "I am Weasel". Um, yeah, retarded. I don't know what's wrong with me. Did I mention that there will be idiocy in this fic? Yeah, I think I did. Oh, and they'll fuck like crazy. Yeah, even Naruto.

Tsunade: Itachi Uchiha! I want you to say something!

Me: Yeah, Ita-chan, my dear, please say it.

Itachi: *blushing* No!

Me: Ita-chaaan, why I have to beg you every time? Even Tsunade-sama asked you. Come on, say what we expect you to say.

Itachi: Fine! You crazy women! I know what you want, there it is! I love to have my ass fucked by Sasuke, I love it! You happy now?

Me: *a moment of awkward silence* Eh-hm. Ita-chan, I meant the disclaimer… I wonder why you always misunderstand…

Itachi: Damn! I fell for it again.

Sakura: I'll say your disclaimer, you damn weirdo! No one here is your character, we're Masashi's, and he would never even think about something like that, to pair my precious Sasuke with his own brother!

Me: Are you sure? All the fangirls believe in Kishimoto's perviness…

Sakura: ………


	3. Chapter 3

**Horny idiots ch.3**

Warning: Yeah, yeah, yaoi again, just a nice threesome, Itachi and Sasuke and… Well, the third person might annoy some people, I know, sowwies, deal with it.

…

They had opened the windows to let the cool night air in the house, so pleasant after the hot day, it was late and they were in their bedroom, getting ready to go to bed. They were just about to take their clothes off, when a very upset Naruto jumped through the window into the room, tears sparkling in his blue eyes.

"Sasuke, you jerk! You can't just leave me like this, as if there was nothing between you and me, I can swear you still feel something for me, I saw it in your eyes! I want you and I'll never give up!" He was trying to glare defiantly, but he was shaking with fear, because he knew how cruel Itachi could be. And right now Naruto was claiming something that Itachi considered his own property. Sasuke was standing in the middle of the room, he shifted his eyes from Naruto to Itachi, who was sitting on the bed, then back to Naruto.

For a minute no one said anything, Itachi's cold eyes were carefully studying the blond boy from head to toes. Then he sighed. "I perfectly understand you, Uzumaki."

He got up and went closer to Sasuke, until he was standing behind his back. Then he wrapped his arms around him, not taking his eyes off Naruto. "I can imagine how desperately you crave for that hot body." He rested his hands on Sasuke's hips, then slid them down his thighs, then up his stomach and his chest, then down again, brushing the growing bulge in his pants. Sasuke moaned slightly.

Naruto held his breath. He had thought Itachi would be mad at him, but he was doing strange things instead, touching Sasuke like this…

"You want him so much that it hurts, don't you?" Itachi smirked. Naruto looked like a hungry kid watching how another kid was eating ice-cream.

Itachi greedily licked Sasuke's neck, Sasuke moaned again, his eyelashes fluttered. Itachi licked his ear and bit it, then gave more licks to his neck and gently sucked the flesh.

"You're so eager to taste this soft delicious skin again, I know."

Itachi pulled up Sasuke's shirt and removed it, his fingertips gently stroked his bare skin and rubbed his nipples, it made Sasuke arch and throw his head back, leaning it on Itachi's shoulder. Itachi slid his palms up and down his body. "Mmmm… I guess your fingers still remember that sensation, that perfect softness, so smooth, so touchable."

Naruto's mouth was filling with saliva. The sight before him was so mesmerizing, he was dizzy, his mind blurred, and Itachi's husky voice made him feel butterflies in his stomach, its dirty sweetness was shattering his little heart, he was excited at the thought of experiencing again something he wanted so much, and maybe experiencing something new… actually someone new. The two brothers were so similar, both of them so beautiful, but Itachi was scary, he looked so strong and ruthless, his gaze was cold and frightening, and… dirty. Naruto wasn't sure what that look meant, what Itachi wanted, to stab his little body with a kunai and kill him, or to stab his ass with his huge dick.

Itachi's hand plunged in Sasuke's pants, finding there something warm, hard, and throbbing, Sasuke writhed, for a second his lust filled dark eyes met Naruto's, then his eyelids fluttered and closed. His lips parted, pink tongue briefly licking the upper one, then he let out a long whorish moan. Naruto heard the sound of a zipper, and in a second Sasuke's pants and underwear were lying on the floor.

Blue eyes were wide open, hungrily devouring the hot delicious scene, mesmerized by the sight of Sasuke's huge dick twitching in Itachi's fingers. Naruto trembled at the sound of Itachi's vicious laughter.

"Where do you want it, Uzumaki?" He ran his fingertips up and down Sasuke's impressive erection, finally curling them around the tip, so pink and plump, wet and shiny from precome, Itachi rubbed it, then licked his moist fingers.

"Mmmm, do you remember the taste?" He looked at the poor little blond, standing there so desperate and horny, and helpless. "Do you want it to slam in your mouth? Or you want it deep in your little ass?"

Itachi chuckled, amusement flashing in his dark eyes at the sight of Naruto's heated blushing face, the bulge in his pants, and the saliva running down his chin, falling on the floor in heavy sticky drops. Itachi noticed that it was ruining the carpet, but he did his best to ignore that fact, no matter how irritating it was. If he said anything about that, it would spoil the moment, so he tried to forget about the expensive carpet, and concentrated again on tormenting the blond in that seductive way.

Suddenly Sasuke was turned over and found himself facing Itachi, and his back was turned to Naruto. Itachi slid his palms on the smooth skin of Sasuke's ass, then gripped the cheeks and opened them. "Or you want the sweetness that's in there, Uzumaki? To be engulfed in that heat and softness again, eh? Come closer. Come on, boy, don't be afraid."

Naruto made a few steps until he was standing right behind Sasuke's back, his legs were slightly shaking, his face was bright red. Itachi raised his hand and playfully waved his finger in front of Naruto's eyes. "Lick this, Uzumaki." Then he watched his finger sink between Naruto's slightly parted pink lips and felt the soft wetness of his tongue. Then he pulled out the nicely slick finger, rubbed it on Sasuke's exposed hole, and shoved it in. He grunted with pleasure as he felt the hot insides twitching around his finger.

Naruto gasped and shivered. He could hear his own heartbeat in the silence, along with Itachi's heavy breathing and Sasuke's soft moans. Gentle breeze swayed the curtains and a current of cool air entered the room and brushed Naruto's red heated cheeks, a few blond strands waved across his glazed eyes.

"Want to join me in there, Uzumaki?" Itachi's voice sent shivers up and down his spine. Naruto was afraid, but everything was so tempting, so he slowly sucked his own finger.

Itachi looked at him. The messy blond strands, the mixture of fear, embarrassment, amazement, and awe in his widened blue eyes, and the finger in his mouth, he looked so funny and cute at the same time.

Naruto took the wet finger out of his mouth and slid it in Sasuke's ass next to Itachi's. They moved their fingers together in and out, opening the hole, making Sasuke let out these slutty moans, Naruto remembered them well, the dirty slutty moans Sasuke was making whenever he was impatient to get his ass fucked hard.

"It's soft in there, isn't it? Does your greedy little finger enjoy it? You just couldn't resist, eh?" Malicious grin appeared on Itachi's face, so sinister and so dirty that it made Naruto tremble, pull his finger out and try to make a step back, but it was too late. Itahci grasped his shirt, pulled him closer, and then his strong arms squeezed both Naruto and Sasuke in a tight suffocating hug. The next thing Naruto felt was Itachi's teeth deep in the flesh of his neck, and then a moist soft tongue caressing his face, and Itachi's hand sliding in his pants. Then suddenly he was free from Itachi's grip, and in the next second he was pushed in the bed, and Itachi and Sasuke attacked him like hungry wolves. Then all he could sense was a hurricane of moaning and grunting sounds, clothes being ripped and tossed away, tongues and fingers on his skin and inside him, Sasuke's warm lips pressing on his own, then Itachi's.

And then he found himself kneeling in the bed, dumbfounded and staring in awe and surprise at the huge monster that appeared out of Itachi's pants.

Naruto's hand was shaking as he pointed at it. "That's t-too b-big!"

Sasuke laughed at him. "You coward! Fine, I'm first." He bent over and Naruto watched in shock how the huge dick stretched Sasuke's hole widely and slid deep inside. He shivered and tried to sneak out of the bed, but Itachi grasped his hair and pulled him.

"Where do you think you're going, Uzumaki?"

Naruto struggled, but the grip was tight and he couldn't do anything but stay there and watch Sasuke's ass being pounded.

Itachi growled, getting close to coming, violently squeezing the cheek of Sasuke's ass with one hand and wildly slamming into him, holding firmly Naruto's hair with his other hand, so that the poor scared blond couldn't run away.

Sasuke started screaming like mad, Naruto thought it was because Itachi was hurting him, but then he saw Sasuke's cum spill all over the bed, and he realized what the screams were for.

Then Itachi pulled out and grabbed poor Naruto. The hot little squirming body, desperately struggling in his arms, made him smirk evilly. Then he couldn't hold his laugher when he saw the terrified expression on Naruto's bright red face when he slammed into him roughly. Naruto's yell of protest turned into quiet helpless whimpers as he realized there was nothing he could do to avoid Itachi's merciless thrusts. "Noooooo…" He whined pitifully, but then the sounds became more like moans of pleasure as the monstrous dick violently slammed into his sweet spot. "Mmmmmm" He grasped the sheets and arched, then he timidly placed his hands on Itachi's shoulders and briefly looked in his dark cruel eyes for a second, then his eyelids fluttered closed and he moaned louder, a little embarrassed, and at the same time thrilled to be with someone so gorgeous and brutal.

"Ooooooh, Uzumaki… your little butt is so tight, you're not like that whore Sasuke… ooh… ooh, yeah, squeeze me like that, yeah…"

Sasuke grabbed a pillow and hit Itachi's head, yelling angrily "Damn you, nii-san, let's see how tight you would be after three years with Oro, the fucking bastard shoving in your ass his huge dick and all kinds of weird things all the time!" Then he shut up and just sat there enchanted, watching Itachi's dick slide in and out of that small round tanned ass, stretching the tight pink hole so widely, Sasuke remembered how good that hole felt around his dick, and he felt impatient to take Itachi's place.

He reached for Itachi's balls and gently stroked them, Itachi growled louder, another hard slam and he came, his cock twitching deep inside Naruto's body.

"Move away, nii-san."

Itachi collapsed on the mattress, satisfied and tired. Sasuke gently stroked the cheeks of Naruto's ass and rubbed his hole. It was reddened and widened, Itachi's cum was dripping from it. Sasuke plunged two fingers inside, Naruto arched and leaned into the touch, soft pleading whines escaped his lips, he hadn't come and he so desperately needed someone to do something about it. Sasuke took his fingers out, covered with Itachi's cum. He sucked them, then he crawled over Naruto and thrusted inside him. Naruto wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled his neck, then looked at him happily and moaned.

"Sasukeee… mmmm."

Itachi watched them, their bodies were entangled in a tight hug, moving in faster and faster rhythm, Naruto's eyes were fixed on Sasuke's face. Wide open shiny blue eyes, filled with awe and adoration, and some ridiculous and at the same time sweet innocence. Both of them squeezed each other's bodies in a firm grip and screamed as they came.

Itahci sighed. They looked so cute together. And if that blond wanted his brother so much… Well, Itachi wouldn't complain to have one more ass in the house.

…

The two of them looked at him in bewilderment.

"Nii-san, are you serious? You wouldn't mind? I can have Naru-chan stay here with us?"

They were so happy. Naruto felt like hugging Itachi, but he still feared him a little, so he refrained. He started jumping around happily, yelling "Sasu, we'll be together, I'll see you every day, it's so awesome, we'll do things together, oh yeah, and we and Itachi-san can watch together my favourite show "I am Weas-…" Sasuke's hand was on his mouth, Sasuke nervously whispering in his ear "Dude, you better never ever mention this thing again, if you wanna live, you got it? That show has something to do with nii-san's posttraumatic stress disorder, he got it after he was in Akatsuki, and now sometimes he has flashbacks and nightmares about some of the episodes and a weird guy Tobi doing some weird baboon's dance, so keep your mouth shut, ok?"

Poor Itachi realized that Naruto's yelling was already giving him a headache. Well, the boy had a nice ass, really, but why the hell he had to be so damn wild and noisy?

**to be continued**

… … …

**Author's comments**

I'm sorry, Sai, but Naruto has a dick, deal with it. Some of you people may not like this, but he'll use it a lot in the next chapters. I like the blond moron and that's it.

Sai: I haven't seen it, I can't be sure.

Me: Ha, well, I'll make you see it, don't worry. And now help me persuade Ita-chan to say what he's supposed to say. We seem to have a lot of problems with this lately, somehow he always says the wrong thing.

Sai: Itachi-san, please be so kind and say it, people really need to hear it.

Itachi: Fuck off and stop making me say bullshit!

Me: Aww, Ita-chan, don't be so mean, come on, say it for me and Sai, and for these nice readers here. Sai really wants to hear it.

Itachi: Damn you people, all right. I'll tell you that Naruto really has a dick, a large one, I should say. Yeah, I've seen it, and I've touched it, hm, actually it's nice to touch, you know, sometimes I wonder…

Sai:…*blushing*

Me: *whispering* Psst, Ita-chan, you got it wrong again, say the disclaimer, my dear, the disclaimer…

Itachi: Not again! That's it! I'm outta here! *rushes out of the comment*

Me: But… Ita-chaaan, the disc-, ah, whatever. Sai?

Sai: Er… all the characters and Naruto's dick belong to Masashi Kishimoto.


	4. Chapter 4

**Horny idiots ch.4**

warning: eh, the usual yaoi warning, but this time there's some straight sex too

…

'Oh god, make a lightning hit him, or the ground suddenly collapse under his feet and swallow him, or his bugs eat him, or anything, no matter what, just make him shut up, damn it! And I thought he was a silent person…'

Kiba was desperate as he and Shino were walking on the street, Shino commenting and criticizing almost everything he could see.

"Look at that, Kiba! Such a shame! That blond Yamanaka whore, just look at her clothes, she's almost naked! OMG, OMG! Look! There! What the hell they think they're doing? Kissing in the middle of the street like that! Two guys! Kotetsu-san obviously has no shame, OMG, he's touching Izumo-san so inappropriately in front of everyone!"

That was unbearable. Poor Kiba felt like grabbing Shino's throat and strangling him.

"Hey, that's Uzumaki, where the hell is he going with that suitcase?"

Kiba sighed. When interesting things happened, Shino was always the last person to know. He pretended he wasn't interested in dirty gossips. Besides, no one was willing to share anything with a judging bastard like him.

"Haven't you heard yet, Shino? Everyone is talking about this. He's moving out, he's going to live with the Uchihas in their house."

Shino grunted disapprovingly. "Living with the Uchihas? And for what fucking reason?"

"Yeah, exactly. The reason is fucking."

Shino didn't seem to get it. "Yeah, I bet it's some stupid fucking reason, but what is it?"

Kiba felt like killing himself. "Dude, I told you! FUCKING!"

"Oh… OMG!"

Shino was dumbfounded, and for two blissful minutes Kiba enjoyed the silence, then he had to endure Shino's speech about how wrong and shameful the whole thing was.

Then they passed by Sai who smiled to them.

Kiba smirked. "You happy now, Sai? It seems that Uzumaki has a dick after all. Now you dream about getting it in your ass, huh?"

Shino frowned. "Sai, your interest in penises is so inappropriate!"

Sai just smiled again. "How about you, Shino, do you have a dick or the bugs ate it? By the way, where do you keep your bugs? In your ass or something?" He looked at Kiba. "About Uzumaki… I won't believe something I haven't seen with my own eyes." Then he walked away. And then Kiba was happy, because what Sai said made poor Shino shut up in embarrassment and remain silent for a long time.

Some people found it amusing, others found it disturbing, but no matter what people thought about it, it was a fact, and it was Konoha's gossip number one. The three of them were living in one house, sharing one room, sleeping in one bed. The two Uchihas and Naruto. And maybe now is the moment to say "And they lived peacefully and happily ever after." Well, they lived kind of happily, and not exactly peacefully…

…

"Sasuke!"

"Jeez, dude, don't yell so loud so early in the morning, what's wrong with you, you had some "I am Weasel" nightmares again, the baboon raping you or something?" Sasuke was sitting in the bed, rubbing his sleepy eyes, Naruto was snoring beside him, Itachi was yelling like mad.

"Sasuke! I can't stand sleeping in one bed with him!" He angrily pointed at Naruto, who was cutely curled up in the bed, then he continued shouting, waving his arms in the air.

"He's snoring! He's snoring too loud! And he's drooling! I don't want him so close to me!"

Sasukie shrugged. "Well, that's the way he is. He's always drooling on the pillow as he sleeps."

"Well, now he's drooling on my precious hair, damn it! I don't want him sleeping next to me!"

"Itachi, calm down, and don't yell like that, you'll wake him up, you didn't have to wake me up either, stupid nii-san." Sasuke yawned, wondering when the hell Itahci would shut up.

"Huh? Wake him up? That moron wouldn't wake up even if you blow up a bomb in his ass!" Itachi pouted, irritated that Sasuke couldn't see his point. Yeah, it wasn't the usual angry frown, it was a pouty face, actually a cute pouty face. Sasuke found it really hard not to laugh.

Then Itachi made a few steps toward the door with the intention to leave the room, but he stumbled over some of Naruto's possessions that were scattered everywhere, and in the next second he found himself sprawled on the floor. He slammed his fist on the ground and yelled "Damn it! How did he manage to do this? He has been here for a day, and he already made such a mess!" Now he was really angry.

…

They were sitting on the table, having breakfast. Naruto was staring intently at his food, not daring to look at the older Uchiha who was sitting next to him, angry as hell. But curiosity slowly took over him, and he sneakingly took a few glimpses. Itachi was so beautiful when he was angry. Naruto was awestruck every time he looked at his cruel face and his flawless body. Being so close to someone powerful and gorgeous, after being fucked by that powerful and gorgeous someone, and having the chance to be fucked by him again and again, it filled Naruto with amazement, excitement, and fear.

Itachi hadn't bothered to put on any clothes, and Naruto's curious gaze was wandering all over his bare chest, strong arms, his loose long hair… that hair… every strand of it was so silky and shiny. Naruto slowly raised his hand behind Itachi's back, unable to resist the urge to touch it, he carefully grasped a strand and tangled it around his fingers, feeling its softness. The next thing he felt was the pain from Itachi's tight grip on his wrist.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Uzumaki? Don't you dare to touch it with your dirty little fingers! Stay away!"

"I-Itachi-san, I didn't mean to do anything wrong."

Itachi was just about to slap his face, but the blond was looking at him with such cute clueless innocence, that he just shrugged the whole thing off, and concentrated on his food again.

Sasuke looked at them and chuckled, Itachi frowned, not finding it funny at all, and Naruto desperately fought against the irresistible urge to touch Itachi's hair again.

Somehow they managed not to kill each other for the rest of the long lazy day. No one bothered Itachi and Sasuke with anything, they had received back all the property of the Uchiha clan and the compensation money, everyone was happy that the two brothers had no intentions to turn against the village, and just let them do whatever they wanted in their repaired newly furnished house. And now they were sharing it with Naruto. Their house and their large bed. Their enormous comfortable bed. That was where they were as the day was near its end, the three of them were sprawled in the shiny satin, its softness tickling their naked skin. They lit a few candles when the twilight started turning into thick darkness.

"Mmmm"

Itachi watched with curiosity the scene of his brother being bent over, and the funny blond thrusting in his butt. He loved the look on Sasuke's face when he was enjoying a nice fuck in the ass. The blond was big, but he wasn't rough, just sliding gently in and out, Sasuke was moaning quietly, obviously it felt good, and Itachi was wondering what Sasuke liked more, nice and slow or hard. Whatever it was, he was going to get it hard as soon as the blond was done. Itachi kept on watching them, the slow deep thrusts, the blond's hand holding Sasuke's hip, the fingers of his other hand gently tracing his spine and rubbing his lower back. The blond was always like that, never too rough, doing everything with some cute clumsy tenderness, and always with that naive look in his eyes. Itachi had to admit that sometimes he was cute, though most of the time he was irritating and funny.

He closed his eyes, listening to their heavy breathing, then the slapping sounds as their movements became faster, and then their moans of satisfaction as they came. Then everything was quiet and he was just lying there in the silence, the light of the candles glimmering through his half-closed eyelids. Suddenly Itachi felt someone crawling over him, and he hoped that it wasn't the annoying blond. When he opened his eyes he saw Sasuke's naughty smirk. Then he felt his tongue slowly sliding on his lips and trying to slip in his mouth. Itachi greedily took it in and sucked it, he was surprised to feel Sasuke shoving back and forth. Then Sasuke pulled away and looked in his eyes defiantly.

"Nii-san, do you want me to shove my tongue like that somewhere else? And then to shove something else there?"

Itachi rolled him over and got on top of him. "No way!" He saw the sparkles of curiosity in Naruto's eyes and remembered the scene in the hokage's office, and Tsunade's wild excitement. Why everyone wanted to watch him being uke? Obviously people found it awfully amusing to see the powerful Itachi Uchiha have his ass slammed. Then his thoughts were interrupted by an evil finger thrusting roughly and unceremoniously in his ass.

"Damn you, Sasu!" Itachi jumped almost to the ceiling. Then he was kneeling in the bed, madly glaring at Sasuke. Sasuke crawled to him, then kneeled in front of him and wrapped his arms around his neck. He teasingly whispered in his ear "Don't you remember how good it felt, nii-san?"

Itachi knew there was one thing that could save him from Sasuke's persistant attempts, and that was Sasuke's insatiable horny ass. His arm pressed Sasuke's waist in a firm grip, his other hand squeezed his ass, and a gentle fingertip rubbed the hole. Sasuke arched and writhed in his tight embrace, burning desire heating up his insides immediately.

Itachi chuckled. "Admit it, Sasu, that's what you really want. Uzumaki! Drag your lazy butt here and start licking him."

"Er?"

Itachi gritted his teeth. That naive look, always that naive look. "You moron!" He grabbed a few strands of blond hair, pulled Naruto closer and bent him down, pressing his face in Sasuke's ass.

"Lick!"

Sasuke felt the moist tongue slip inside him.

"You damn nii-saaan, aaaah." Sasuke's whine turned into a greedy moan. "Ooooh, if you're gonna take me… aah, do it properly, not just fucking me with Naruto's face, oooh, come on, nii-saaaaaaan…."

Itachi smirked. That was exactly what he wanted to hear.

"Aaaaah"

The bed was creaking, shaken by Itachi's hard slams. Naruto was sitting, his back leaning against the wall, Sasuke was sitting between his legs, with his back pressed to Naruto's chest, his head rested on his shoulder, Naruto's arms were wrapped around him in a hug, his fingertips brushing Sasuke's nipples, Sasuke's legs were on Itachi's shoulders, Itachi growling and wildly thrusting into him. Shivers of fear ran up and down Naruto's spine at the sight of Itachi's cruel merciless expression, he could feel the force of his slams as his body was roughly pushed against the wall at every thrust. He dared to look at Itachi's eyes and met the cold perverted glare that made his heart squirm painfully in his chest, and his hole twitch with some almost masochistic excitement at the thought that he was the next one to be relentlessly pounded like that.

Itachi leaned forward, capturing Sasuke's lips for a kiss, muffling his moans for a moment, then he turned his head and his tongue roughly filled Naruto's mouth. He found it amusing how the blond always widened his eyes in some stupid sheepish amazement whenever he did anything to him. But his lips were so sweet… He licked them and bit them… so sweet… And Sasuke was squeezing him, writhing and screaming in the middle of his orgasm, Itachi growled and increased the speed, finally getting his own release.

Then for a few minutes everything was calm, they were resting, still lying one over the other. Itachi was already thinking how he would fuck his little brother one more time, and then the cute blond. Then they heard something strange…

"What was that noise?" Itachi strained his ears. "There's someone in the house!"

They didn't have to wait too long to find out who that was. The door opened and a very determined Sakura boldly entered the room.

"I wanna join in!"

Itachi looked at her coldly. "Um, no. Sorry."

"Awww, don't say that, please, let me have fun with you guys, please!"

Sasuke coughed. "Sakura, you better leave. Now."

"Don't do this to me! Don't make me go away!"

In front of her there was a bed with naked Itachi, Sasuke, and Naruto, and there was no force in this world that would make her leave the room. She was going to get a fuck no matter what.

"Pleeeaaase!" She fell on her knees. "Pleeeeaaase!" They stared at her stupidly. "PLEEEAAASE!" She begged so pitifully.

Itachi was angry. Right now he wanted more of Sasuke. He growled "Stop it! That's pathetic!"

"I don't care!" She was desperate. "Look at this, look at what you can have!" In seconds she was naked, sliding her palms all over her body, squeezing her breasts, pinching her nipples and licking her lips, smiling to them seductively.

The three of them shifted uncomfortably.

Sasuke gave her a merciful look. "Sakura, please go home."

She slid her hand between her legs, opened herself and shoved her fingers inside.

"See? I'm wet and ready for you. Don't tell me that Naruto's ass is better than this!" She teasingly moved her fingers in and out.

Itachi was losing his patience, this scene was kind of interesting, but he had more important things to do. Obviously she didn't want to go away, they had to get rid of her somehow.

"Please!" She continued to touch herself. The three of them were giving each other questioning looks.

Itachi was mad. "Uh! This situation is ridiculous! Somebody fuck her, god damn it, otherwise she won't go away."

Sasuke gave him an irritated look. "Well, then you do it, nii-san!" He went to Sakura, gripped her pink hair and dragged her to the bed, pushed her on her knees and bent her over, pressing her head to the mattress. He pointed at her naked ass and her exposed wet pussy. "Come on, Itachi, do something about this."

Itachi scratched his head, let out a few irritated grunts, and muttered through his gritted teeth "Damn fangirls!", then he grabbed the cheeks of Sakura's ass and impaled her on his huge dick that was hardened for Sasuke, but now had to do some other work.

Naruto just watched the scene stunned.

Sasuke was still holding Sakura's hair as Itachi was thrusting into her, he sighed and started complaining.

"That's unbelievable, Itachi, how can she be so damn annoying? She's always like that, I tell her 'no', she insists, I tell her 'no' again, she still insists!" Sasuke's fingers clutched her pink strands more tightly, and he pressed her face in the mattress, muffling her moans.

Itachi was giving her fast, hard, rough slams, he looked at Sasuke sympathetically and said "Aw, poor Sasu, I'm not surprised at all that everyone wants you. Old Oro must have been obsessed with you too, ehehe, the old bastard knows how to find asses of high quality. And all the girls… No wonder they want that awesome dick of yours, now that I've tried it, I must admit…" He blushed and shut up, suddenly feeling uncomfortable as he met Sasuke's eyes filled with some wicked amusement.

"I bet you liked my dick in your ass, nii-san." Sasuke smirked.

"Don't mock at me! I'm seme!" Itachi started pounding Sakura harder, as if to emphasize his words. It made her scream and come.

He looked angrily at smirking Sasuke and yelled "I'm the one who fucks asses!"

He pulled out and shoved a finger in Sakura's ass. "Damn, the bitch is tight." He took it out, licked it, than spat in the hole and shoved the finger again. She writhed, but Sasuke was holding her hair, keeping her in position.

"Yeah, the bitch is so tight." Itachi was pressing his dick in her ass, slowly at first, then he lost his patience and merely slammed all of it inside. She squirmed and screamed.

Naruto just stared at them speechless, he managed to mutter "Poor poor Sakura-chan", then he just shut up.

Itachi started thrusting, giving him a wicked glare. "Well, she begged for it." He slammed hard.

Sasuke chuckled. "Teach her a lesson, Itachi, I hope this will make her stop stalking me all the time."

Itachi grinned at him. "Or it will make her start stalking me!" Then he frowned. "That would be troublesome…"

"Are you…" Sakura was trying to say something between her moans and screams. "Are you always talking so much when you fuck?"

Itachi slapped her ass and gave her a harder slam. "Shut the fuck up, bitch, you're not in the conversation!"

"But I… mmmph"

"Jeez, as annoying as usual." Sasuke sighed as he stuck his dick in her mouth, successfully muffling whatever she wanted to say.

"That was a good idea, Sasu. So I wanted to say that… aaah." Itachi was getting closer to his orgasm, the intense sensations blurred his mind and he lost his thought. He muttered "N-Naruto, shove your fingers in her pussy."

"W-What? Shove my…"

"Just finger her, damn it, and shut up!"

Naruto shyly slid two fingers in her and moved them back and forth. Through the thin flesh he could feel Itachi's dick sliding in and out of her ass. He felt her muscles clench around his fingers, and she screamed wildly, coming again.

Itahci could feel the movement of Naruto's fingers too, it turned him on and he suddenly increased the speed. "Touch me… your fingers… inside her… touch me… oh god… aaaaaah." He pressed himself deep in her body and came.

"Oh yes… aaaah." Sasuke gripped her hair with both his hands, thrusting in her throat. The sight of the perverted expression on Itachi's face at that moment was such a turn on, that it made him come right away.

Then the three of them let go of her, she collapsed on the mattress panting, cum was dripping from her mouth and her ass.

As soon as she managed to calm her breathing, Itachi pushed her out of the bed, took her clothes and threw them at her. "You happy now? Get out of here." He pointed at Sasuke and Naruto. "You see these asses? I wanna fuck that, and you're wasting my time. Go away!"

She took her clothes, grinned happily and left the house, staggering but content that she got what she wanted.

Itachi sighed with relief.

"Finally! Huh? What's that noise again? I thought she left. Is she coming back?"

**To be continued**

… … …

**Author's comments**

Would you beg like that to make Itachi fuck you? I think I would…

Anyway, I have more problems with making him say the disclaimer. I don't know why he always fails… Sakura, help.

Sakura: Why me?

Me: Cause obviously you're very persuasive.

Sakura: Itachi-san, I want you to do something…

Itachi: No! Get your greedy ass out of here!

Sakura: No, not that, I just want you to say…

Shino: *interrupting* I want to say that no matter what Sai says, I have a dick! Sai is an idiot! Itachi-san, tell them!

Me: *losing patience* Damn it, Ita-chan, just say the…

Itachi: I'm sorry, Shino, I haven't seen it, I can't confirm this information, but if I take a look…

Me: No, no, no, no, no, Shino, don't distract him, Ita-chan, the disc-

Shino: No, you moron, tell them that Sai is an idiot! No one would believe him! I have a dick! Kishimoto will tell you! Masashi, you created us, tell them that what Sai said is not true! *starts sobbing*

Itachi: I don't get it, who wants me to say what?

Me: Eh, it's all right, Ita-chan, you can just shut up now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Horny idiots ch.5**

warning: yaoi… oh well, it's not just yaoi, more various crazy sex in this chapter

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

No, it wasn't Sakura. At the door of the bedroom was standing Hinata.

"N-Naruto-kun!"

Her face was bright red, she wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure how exactly. She licked her lips, her fingers brushed her thighs and her breasts, it was obvious what she wanted, she was just too ashamed to ask for it.

"OMG! Not another one!" Itachi whined miserably, Sasuke's brow twitched, Naruto seemed to be utterly surprised.

"Hinata-chan, what are you doing here?" Naruto gave her a curious clueless look.

"Jeez, what an idiot!" Itachi yelled, irritated as hell. "It's obvious! They always want that!" He grabbed Hinata and pulled her to the bed, tearing her clothes. When she was finally naked, he pushed her to Naruto and shouted "You, retard, you'll settle this matter."

"Who? Me?"

"Oh, god!" Itachi bent her over, shoved his fingers inside her and stretched her open. "Shove your damn dick in here, you moron!"

Naruto came closer and looked with curiosity at Hinata's insides. He had never fucked a girl before.

"Hurry up, damn it!" Itachi grabbed Naruto's cock and pulled him roughly to bring him closer to Hinata, he shoved the tip in her and yelled "Slam her, slam the bitch hard!"

Naruto started thrusting. After a few slams he grinned and increased the speed.

"Oooh… that feels good…"

Hinata moaned and started pushing her hips to meet him, her whole body was rocking.

Itachi and Sasuke were lying beside them, touching themselves, watching and commenting.

"Hehe, Sasuke, the little bitch has big boobs, just look how they're shaking when he pounds her."

"Aw, nii-san, you're right, that looks so good. Faster, Naruto, faster, make them shake more."

Itachi sighed. "No, not like that, you moron, you're too slow, just do it faster and harder. Uh, let me show you. Jeez, Sasu, we should teach him a lot of things."

Itachi pushed Naruto away and briefly slammed himself into Hinata, she had no time to react and just whined. "Aah aaa aaa aaa" was all she could say as Itachi was frantically pounding her. Naruto's eyes widened at the sight of such amazing speed and force. Sasuke yelped with joy.

"Holy shit! Nii-san, that's what I'm talking about, jeez, now they're shaking really hard." He crawled to Hinata, grabbed her breasts and laughed happily, watching how they were shaking in his hands.

Itachi stopped and pulled out, then he moved away, dragging Sasuke with him.

"Come on, Uzumaki, let me see what you can do with that big dick of yours."

Naruto grabbed Hinata again and started pounding diligently.

Itachi smirked. "You should learn how to use such a nice big dick, Uzumaki. Now slam even harder, oh, and why don't you shove a finger in her ass while doing it, let the bitch have more fun."

Sasuke looked at Hinata's red face. "Haha, shove it deeper and move it faster, Naruto, I think her ass likes it."

They watched for a while, then they got bored.

"Uh, this is taking too long." Itachi crawled closer to Hinata and started fondling her breasts with one hand, his other hand rubbing her clit. Sasuke smirked and joined the fun, shoving two fingers in Naruto's ass.

"Yeah, Sasu, let's make them come." Itachi started rubbing harder, Sasuke was thrusting his fingers faster, Naruto was slamming deep and hard, and finally he and Hinata screamed at the same time and came.

Itachi sighed and wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Uh, another one is done. Now just get her out of here, damn it!"

Hinata got dressed, brightly blushing, she quickly left the room, not daring to look at any of them. She was panting, leaning against the wall as she walked through the hall, she finally found the door and went out of the house. Outside she sat on the ground, trying to catch her breath. She felt dizzy, all that was too much for her and she fainted.

A few minutes later a blond girl stumbled over her body, but ignored her and quickly sneaked into the house.

Itachi pulled Sasuke closer and growled in his ear "Mmmm, now finally I'll have your sweet delicious ass again… er? What the hell is that?" He briefly turned his head in the direction of the noise. It was Ino. Standing in their bedroom, staring at them.

Naruto looked at her bewildered. Sasuke whined and collapsed on the satin sheets, hiding his head under the pillows. "Owww, not again!"

Itachi gave her an insane cruel glare and shouted furiously "Oh no. Not another one. No more! Hell no! Not this time! Enough! Get out!"

She didn't move. In the next second Itachi was beside her. Before she knew what was going on, he had gripped her long hair and was dragging her to the door.

"Ouch, Itachi-san, that hurts, let me go, I just wanted…"

"Shut up!" He kicked her out of the house, slammed the door angrily and locked it.

Outside Ino bumped into Tenten who obviously had arrived with the same intentions.

"Sorry, Tenten, I don't think we can get them now. That damn Sakura, why she's always the lucky one?"

Yeah, a lot of people in Konoha were drooling over the thought of the Uchiha house full of hotties. Ever since the two Uchihas had arrived in the village, people felt some odd excitement. Of course some of them were more excited than others, and Naruto's presence there was a source of some excitement too. People talked about it day and night. Only Shino was desperately trying to be the last pillar of morality in the village, irritating everyone with his comments, and criticizing whoever was interested in the happy threesome.

In the house Itachi was madly slamming Sasuke's ass. "Ooooh" He pulled out and slammed into Naruto. "Ah… yes." Hard thrusts. "Mmmmmm." He slid his dick into Sasuke again. "Oh yeah, yeah, Sasu, ooh." And into Naruto again.

Itachi was drooling heavily at the sight of the two exposed reddened asses in front of him, thrusting in one of them, then in the other, switching them all the time.

He didn't even notice the two faces covered in blood and saliva, pressed against the glass of the window.

"Oooh, that's hot!" Ino started rubbing herself faster, staring at what was going on inside the room. Her other hand sneaked into Tenten's panties.

"Aaaah, Ino… right there… aah."

Soon the two of them were rolling on the ground, touching each other madly, their mouths crashing in a hot kiss, their bodies entangled. None of them paid attention to the three guys in the house any more.

And the three guys went on with their fun.

"Oooh, now both of you lick me."

Itachi growled when he felt Sasuke's tongue.

"Come on, Uzumaki, why are you standing there and just staring, join in!"

Naruto watched Sasuke's tongue rolling on the tip of Itachi's dick, then he came closer and lowered his head. He gave Itachi a brief timid lick, then he looked up. Itachi smirked at him.

"Yeah, Uzumaki, that cute little tongue feels good, lick more."

The two tongues were tangling around his dick, he moaned, then he felt impatient to fuck their asses again.

"Bend over and give me your sweet holes, you sluts!"

He was pounding them again. Sliding in Sasuke. "Mmmm, soft and smooth."

And sliding into Naruto. "Oooh, so tight." And in Sasuke again.

"Aaaah, aaah, nii-san, don't stop, don't take it out… I… I'm coming… oh yeah, harder!"

Naruto had to wait until Itachi made the last few slams into shivering, moaning, orgasming Sasuke, then it was his turn. But Itachi didn't thrust into him, he just collapsed on the mattress and smirked playfully.

"You want my dick, Uzumaki? Come and get it."

Naruto gave him one of his sweet clueless looks and blinked a few times, wondering what to do.

"Come on, boy, ride me." Itachi pulled him by the hand to bring him closer and made him straddle his hips. Bright redness coloured Naruto's face as he felt Itachi's dick twitching and pressing to his ass. But it didn't go inside.

"Yeah, slide yourself onto it, Uzumaki. Jeez, Sasuke, help him."

Sasuke grabbed Itachi's dick, adjusted it to Naruto's entrance and pressed the tip inside, then he merely pushed Naruto down to make him impale himself on it, at the same time Itachi bucked his hips up, and all of his monstrous dick slammed inside Naruto's ass.

"Now move, Uzumaki."

Naruto carefully slid himself up and down a few times, looking at Itachi nervously, his face blushing more.

"Oooh, you're so tight and hot… mmm." Itachi couldn't hold it and started bucking his hips, thrusting wildly.

Sasuke chuckled at the sight of Naruto's funny expression and trembling body, and the way his hardened dick was waving in the air at every thrust. "Oh, nii-san, you make his dick bounce so nicely, this looks awesome!"

'Shit! I can't see anything. I only hear the sounds, but that's not enough, I wanna take a look, damn it! I guess that looks really good, I must see it at all cost!' Sai thought as he shifted slightly, it was so uncomfortable, there wasn't enough space to move. He gently pushed the door to make it open a little, doing his best not to make any noise. He tried to look through the narrow crack, but Itachi's akatsuki cloak was wrapping around his head, he was tangled in some other clothes, some cardboard boxes behind him were pressed painfully to his back. 'Maybe if I move my right arm upward to remove that cloak, and then turn slightly to the left and lower my head, I might get a better view and these boxes won't be pressing against my back so hard. Yeah, like that. Good. Now if I move my left leg…" He lost his balance.

"What the hell?"

The door of the closet suddenly opened with a bang and Sai fell out of it together with all the clothes, boxes, and other stuff that were inside. He was kneeling in the middle of that mess, and Sasuke, Itachi, and Naruto were giving him questioning looks.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing in my fucking closet? Why more and more unwanted people sprout from everywhere?" Poor Itachi started to think that the whole thing had no end.

Sai laughed nervously and looked at the floor. "I… I… just wanted to see that Naruto really has a dick. I kind of needed some proof or something."

"That's it!" Naruto was really pissed off. "You wanna see? Here it is!"

Sai was still kneeling on the floor, he slowly lifted his gaze up to see a naked and annoyed Naruto standing in front of him. Sai fixed his widened eyes on the huge, pink, thick dick twitching in front of his face, then he raised a trembling hand and touched it lightly. "It feels real" he whispered. Then his tongue brushed the tip. "And it tastes real." He licked his lips and blushed. "Mmm, and it tastes good." His pale lips wrapped around the head and sucked it in.

"Aaaah, Sai, you bastard, that feels good… ooh."

Itachi went closer to them until he was standing behind Naruto's back. He licked a finger and shoved it in his ass. "I have some unfinished business here." Then he took it out, grabbed Naruto's body, and slid himself inside, adjusting his position. Then he slammed hard, pushing Naruto forward, which made Sai's mouth suddenly filled with all of Naruto's dick. Itachi took a firm grip of Naruto's hips and started thrusting, every slam made Sai choke as Naruto's dick was roughly shoving in his throat.

Sasuke went behind Sai and gave his butt an estimating look.

"Nii-san, are you gonna pound that ass when you're done with Naru-chan? It looks good. Let me stretch it for you." He unceremoniously slid down Sai's pants and underwear, and brutally shoved a finger in his pale ass.

"Huh. He's not tight at all. Obviously that slut really likes dicks. Well, bitch, try this one." He slammed into him. "You're happy now, Sai? Dude, these are the best dicks you'll ever get. Aaah."

Naruto was melting with pleasure, shuddering and moaning, his legs shaking, he couldn't stand on his feet any more and would probably collapse on the floor if Itachi's strong arms weren't holding him. It felt so good, being pierced by this skillful cock, and at the same time plunging in the heat of Sai's eager mouth. He writhed in Itachi's arms and came so hard, his cum spilling out of Sai's mouth.

"Itachi, let's switch places." Sasuke pulled out of Sai's ass and hurried to get Naruto, knocking him on the floor.

Sai swallowed what was in his mouth, wiped the cum from his face, and looked at his fingers, then licked the rest of the cum off them. "Mmmm, yeah. Real." He didn't have much time to think about that, because Itachi's dick pressed into his entrance and slipped inside.

After making a few deep thrusts to try him, Itachi growled "Mmmm, another cute little boy, but… that ass is not tight at all, indeed. Dude, what kind of things have you been shoving in there, even Sasu who spent three years with Oro is not so wide."

No one really wanted to know the answer of this question.

When they were done, the two Uchihas and Naruto finally collapsed in the soft satin sheets and surrendered to peaceful and undisturbed sleep.

Sai ran out of the house with a wicked glint in his eyes, he had memorized very well every detail of Naruto's dick, everything about the size and the shape. He rushed straight to his home and started drawing frantically. And in the end there it was, every line of the drawing was identical to the original image in Sai's memory. Sai giggled evilly. "And when I use my special jutsu on it to make it real, I'll have a perfect copy just for myself!"

On the next morning Sasuke and Naruto went out, and in front of the house they stumbled over Hinata's body. She was still unconscious.

Sasuke grunted. "Hn. Right now I'm too lazy to handle this. Nii-san!"

Itachi appeared at the door.

"Nii-san, we can't leave her here. Please be a nice Itachi today and bring her to the Hyuga's house. "

Before Itachi could say anything, Sasuke and Naruto had run away. He sighed.

"Great! Damn idiots!"

**to be continued**

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's comments**

Poor Itachi, I think they exhausted him. Anyway, I hope he still has enough energy to say the disclaimer. Maybe this time he will finally do it properly. I mean this is the fifth chapter after all, he must have realized by now what he's supposed to say. But to make sure, I'll ask someone to help him this time.

Me: Naruto, you must help Ita-chan say the disclaimer. You know, that thing about Masashi Kishimoto. Please make him say it.

Naruto: Who? Me?

Me: You must make him say…

Naruto: Who?

Me: Just make him say…

Naruto: What?

Me: Make him say…

Naruto: Huh?

Me: The disclaimer!

Naruto: Itachi-san, you must say…

Itachi: Who?

Naruto: You! You must say…

Itachi: What?

Naruto: The disclaimer!

Itachi: I have no idea what you're talking about!


	6. Chapter 6

**Horny idiots ch.6**

warning: Of course there's some more yaoi in this chapter, why the hell I even waste time warning you, in every chapter some people are fucking, after all that's why you keep reading this bullshit in the first place!

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The doorbell rang and Neji went to see who that was. To his surprise there stood Itachi Uchiha, holding unconscious Hinata.

"I think you're supposed to take care of that thing!" Itachi said with an irritated voice and dropped Hinata on the ground. Neji was confused.

"Er… Itachi-san, please help me and bring her inside, I must go back to the kitchen immediately, because I'm baking something and I don't want to burn it."

Itahci tried to say something, but Neji had already rushed to the kitchen with a really worried expression on his face. Itachi sighed and dragged Hinata's body inside. He placed her on a sofa, and he was just about to leave, when he felt the seductive smell of freshly baked apple pie. It smelled really delicious, and Itachi was hungry. He hesitated for a second, and then he went to the kitchen.

The pie was on the table. Itachi looked at Neji, then at the pie, a greedy, almost fierce expression on his face. A little embarrassed, he muttered "Um… can I have some? I really want to taste this, it looks good."

Neji looked at him nervously and stuttered "You… you mean the pie, right?"

"Well, yeah, what else?"

Neji gasped. "Oh… well then." He put two pieces of pie in two plates, his hands were slightly shaking as Iatchi was staring at him intently. Then they sat at the table.

Itachi started to eat, and Neji could hear him make slight grunting sounds.

"Mmmmm, damn you, bastard, that pie is great! It's unbelievably awesome! Er… can I…"

Neji could read in his eyes desperate desire for more pie. He sighed and gave him another piece. Itachi immediately started engulfing it, then he noticed that Neji wasn't eating his pie, but staring at him.

"What?"

"Um…" Neji hesitated. "I was wondering how you make your hair so nice and shiny."

Itachi gave him a surprised look, then they started a long conversation about different types of shampoo and other hair products, how to avoid damaging your hair with the hair-drier, and other things like that. Meanwhile they were eating more and more pie.

Itachi sighed. "Yeah, having long hair takes a lot of care and efforts."

Neji sighed too. "That damn Hinata is always mocking at me, and she tells me that long hair makes me look like a girl. She calls me ugly."

Before realizing what actually he was doing, Itachi blurted out "That's not true!"

Neji's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Um… well… yeah. I mean you're really cute."

Neji sighed again. "I'm doing my best, but my hair will never look as perfect as yours. I even have split ends, and that damn Hinata doesn't want to help me cut them."

Itachi hesitated for a few seconds. "I can help you, if you want."

A few minutes later they were in Neji's room, Neji was sitting in front of the mirror, his hair loose, and Itachi was carefully cutting the split ends.

"You have really nice hair, Neji, just do the things I told you about, and you'll make it even better."

Neji looked at Itachi's reflection in the mirror, his beautiful face and his gorgeous body, then he looked at his own face and saw that it was blushing. Itachi looked at the mirror too, and noticed the blush. Neji was even cuter when he blushed, in fact he was very hot. And Itachi Uchiha would never ignore something as hot as that.

"Neji…"

Itachi ran his fingers through the long strands of Neji's hair, then he slightly touched his shoulder and his neck, and then he slid his fingers under his shirt.

Neji trembled, briefly stood up and turned around to face Itachi. They looked at each other silently for a few seconds, then Neji grabbed Itachi's shoulders and pulled him closer, their lips met. For a minute they got lost in the deep, delicious, apple pie flavoured kiss, sucking each other's tongues and lips, then they got out of their clothes as fast as possible.

Neji's face was bright red, Itachi pushed him on the bed and crawled over him.

"Itachi… are you sure… is this right… aaah… ah… aaaaah… d-don't answer me… j-just do that again!"

Neji gave up thinking about the right/wrong matter as soon as Itachi licked his hardened dick.

"Mmmm, this tastes better than the pie." Itachi started sucking hard, then he licked more, pleased with the way Neji's body shuddered when he moved his tongue to his entrance.

Until that moment Neji hadn't thought about who would be uke and who would be seme, but now it was obvious. He felt Itachi's fingers sliding inside him, then they were replaced with his large impatient dick.

Itachi thrusted deep. "Oooh, Nejiii."

Neji was just about to say "Not so hard" or something like this, when he felt a sensation that shook his body and made him let out a squeal of shock, then buck his hips and moan wildly.

"Aaaah…" He gripped Itachi's shoulders. "Oh god… that feels… aaah." Neji writhed, hecticly bucking his hips up. "Ooooh… so good… so damn good… mmm." His eyes met Itachi's. Itachi smirked. Neji's look told him that Neji wanted it hard, wanted it so desperately, and wanted it as deep as possible. He took his lips in a fiery kiss and started a wild rhythm.

In the living-room Hinata started slowly regaining consciousness. The first thing she heard was the loud creaking of Neji's bed. She rushed to his room, opened the door, and her eyes widened in shock.

Neji was squirming, splattered with his own cum after coming three times, and Itachi Uchiha was slamming his ass like crazy.

"Oh god… Neji… yeeaaah." Itachi slammed deep in his ass, then pulled almost completely out, just to make another thrust, slow and deep, then he made a few extremely hard and fast slams, and then he came with a final rough deep thrust.

"Yeeeaaaah… aah… Hyuga, you have an awesome ass!"

Then he pulled out and looked straight into Hinata's wide open terrified eyes.

"Bitch, what are you staring at?"

Her face was bright red. She yelled "Damn you, Neji, don't tell me you're like them, I thought that at least you were straight! I hate you! And don't think that I'll let you in my bed again. Tonight you're sleeping in your own room, bastard! I'll lock my door!"

Then she rushed out of the room and to the kitchen. She desperately needed to eat something sweet to calm down and feel at least a little better. She knew that Neji was making a pie today, and she frantically searched for it. But the pie was almost gone.

Neji and Itachi were getting dressed when a furious Hinata appeared in the room again.

"How dare you! You fuck my Neji and you eat my pie! I fucking hate you, Uchiha!"

**to be continued**

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's comment**

Poor Hinata. No pie. She'll freak out. I hope she has at least some chocolate or something. Anyway, it's time for another desperate and hopeless attempt to make Itachi say the disclaimer.

Me: Ita-chan, please, at least this time be nice to me and say it properly.

Itachi: *munching* Mmmfffttmmmphhh.

Me: Huh?

Neji: I think that his mouth is full of pie.

Me: Oh… I'll wait. Eh. ………………… Er, I think there's no more pie now. Ita-chan, say it, please.

Itachi: Mmmphmmpffmmm

Neji: *blushing* Er… ooh… er, I think that now his mouth is full of something else… oooh… ah… aaaah…

Hinata: *rushing in the comment* Where's the pie?

Me: Itachi ate all of it, but that's not important, now I really need him to say the disclaimer.

Hinata: Don't waste my time with fucking characters and fucking Masashi Kishimoto, I want my pie! *pushes Neji away and punches Itachi in the stomach* Puke! Come on, puke, you motherfucker, I want my pie back!

Neji: Ewwwww.

Me: *cough* Hinata, don't you think this is a little out of character…


	7. Chapter 7

**Horny idiots ch.7**

warning: Dicks… asses… a pussy… what else should I tell you? More yaoi and wild straight sex.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The sun had just set, the heat of the summer day was gone, and gentle breeze was rustling in the trees around the Uchiha house. Right now the porch was a very pleasant place to stay. And there they were, sitting on the porch, Naruto, Sasuke, Itachi, and a bottle of sake.

"Big bro, ya jerk, what took ya so long to get rid of that bitch Hinata? Where the hell have ya been?"

"To tell you the truth, Sasuke, I slammed a Hyuga ass."

Naruto lifted his brow.

"Hinata? Again?"

"No. Neji."

"Ahahahahaha" Sasuke was laughing hysterically. "As expected of my bro. Ahahahaaa."

Itachi's brow twitched. "What's so funny, you moron?"

"Ahahahahahahahahaha."

"Sasuke, you're drunk!"

"Ahahaha. Shut up, fucker, and pass the sake." Sasuke greedily grabbed the precious bottle. Shaking with laughter, he almost fell from the porch, spilling some sake on himself.

Itachi looked at him a little worried. Then he looked at all the empty bottles.

"I think you should drink no more, Sasuke, come on, give me that bottle."

He tried to take the bottle, but Sasuke's fingers clutched tightly around it, not letting go of it.

"Keep ya hands off me, fucker. Ya don't respect me, man, ya don't respect ya own fuckin' lil' bro. What me is drinkin' ain't ya fuckin' business." Sasuke was waving his arms in the air as he spoke, trying to be more convincing, he was still clutching the bottle in one hand, and all his movements caused some more sake to spill on him and on the others.

"Sasu, you moron, you're making a mess here, hahaha, you drunk bastard, don't waste the sake like this." Naruto's annoying laughter pierced Itachi's ears.

'Poor me' Itachi thought, 'Having a drunk idiot and a retard to deal with is so fucking troublesome.'

"Sasuke…" Itachi reached for the bottle again.

"Fuck off, ya weasel… ahahahahaha, weeeaaasel, ahahaha." Sasuke squirmed and fell from the porch. "Weeeeaaaaseeeel!" He said it with a weird, deliberately thin, teasing voice, irritating as hell, and started making ridiculous grimaces, laughing at Itachi like crazy.

"Ahahaha, Sasukeee…" Naruto laughed so hard that he fell from the porch too. Itachi just buried his face in his palms and sighed.

"Eheheheee, weeeaaaaseeel."

"Shut the fuck up!" Itachi wanted to beat the crap out of him, but he was a little drunk too, and he was too lazy and unwilling to bother himself with such things.

Naruto had calmed down a little and was thinking (yeah, actually he can think) about what had happened the previous night. He sighed.

"Hinata… damn fangirls. Neji should keep her locked in her room, or something. Eh, not to mention Sakura-chan…"

"Yeah, crazy fuckin' bitches!" Somehow Sasuke had stopped laughing, and now he was seriously pondering over the fangirl problem. "Eh, not that I don't like girls at all, ya know, just… ahahaha, ya know what I would really enjoy right now? To fuck a woman. A real woman. Ya know, dude, full grown."

Itachi smirked. "Aha… I know what you mean. Yeah, an older woman… experienced."

"Experienced, yeah…" Sasuke continued fantasizing, "And with big, no, huge, ripe, soft boobies…"

"Yeah… large boobies…" Itachi started drooling at the thought of that, his fingers twitched.

Naruto was silent, just sitting next to them, lost in his thoughts, mysterious smile emerged on his face.

Sasuke laughed and poked him.

"Dude, ain't ya gonna say somethin'?

Naruto slowly rolled his eyes to look at the other two.

"Guys, I have only one word to say. TSUNADE."

They looked at each other for a minute, their brains processing the idea. Then Sasuke exclaimed "Dude, ya genius!"

Itachi remembered what Tsunade had done to him, and how miserable and ridiculous he had felt, he hated her for it, but the alcohol and the image of her breasts blurred his mind and he yelled "Yeah, fucking genius!"

******

It was already dark when they started jumping from roof to roof, going to the place where Tsunade lived. Actually, Itachi and Naruto were jumping, and Sasuke was staggering and cursing, dragging his feet, trying to follow them, stumbling and falling from time to time.

Finally they jumped through an open window, dragging drunk Sasuke with them. They found themselves in a spacious room, there was a large bed in the middle of it, and on the bed was lying Tsunade, amusement and curiosity flashing in her eyes.

"May I ask what are three sweet young boys doing in my bedroom in the middle of the night?" She was wearing something red and lacy, completely transparent, revealing everything.

They just stood there, widened eyes, dropped jaws, heavily drooling.

Itachi coughed nervously. She was the hokage after all, she could merely throw them out of her house if they annoyed her, but if they started this thing the right way, they could get what they wanted.

"So, what are you doing here?" She repeated the question with a low growling voice, purring like a lazy tigress, bored and waiting for something to play with.

Itachi was just about to say something about her stunning beauty and other bullshit like that, when Sasuke ruined all his plans.

"Yaaaaay!" Sasuke yelled, wiping the saliva from his mouth. "Look at these boobies, man, so huuuuge!"

He rushed to the bed, staggering and stumbling, then he crawled over Tsunade, tore the red lace that was covering her body, and buried his face in her breasts, grunting with satisfaction.

Itachi and Naruto looked at each other with embarrassment, wondering if she was going to kick them out now.

"Impatient, eh?" She smirked and looked at Sasuke who had gripped her breasts with both hands and was squeezing them, and pressing his face to them, grunting and licking them.

Then she looked at Itachi and Naruto. "That's what you're here for, right? Come on, what are you waiting for, clothes off! Young sweet boys are always welcome to my bedroom." She gently pushed Sasuke away. "Come on, the three of you, take off your clothes, but do it slowly, like striptease, come on, dance for me."

They gave her weird looks, then they tried to do what she wanted, slowly taking their clothes off, deliciously writhing their bodies. What Naruto was doing made her smile. It was so funny and cute when someone so silly, sweet, and innocent was desperately trying to look dirty and seductive.

Itachi's movements filled her mouth with saliva and made her feel heat between her legs.

"Yeah, sway your hips like that, mmm, what a nice butt" she growled when Itachi came closer to the bed, then she pulled down his boxers, the last thing that was still on his body, then she smirked and slapped his now naked ass.

Sasuke was too drunk to do anything properly, he was rolling on the floor tangled in his own clothes, desperately struggling to get rid of them, and so unable to do it, that Itachi and Naruto had to help him and undress him.

Finally the three of them were completely naked in Tsunade's huge bed. She smiled to them invitingly. Itachi crawled closer to her, his hands trembling, his fingers twitching as he touched her breasts, his fingertips brushing lightly the skin. "Ooohhhh" he moaned and squeezed them harder, licking his lips, his eyelashes fluttering. "Mmmmhmm, so huge and soft."

Sasuke and Naruto started touching too. She gasped with pleasure, feeling so many hands on her breasts, and arched her body as Itachi fondled her nipples. She smiled again, seeing the happy shine in their eyes.

"Are you having fun, boys? Ohh, the three of you are so sweet."

Itachi started squeezing more fiercely, then he gripped both her breasts tightly and shoved his hardened dick between them, moving it back and forth, pressing and rubbing it with the huge breasts. Sasuke and Naruto started licking the tip as it popped up from in between Tsunade's breasts at every thrust.

Itachi was shoving faster, Tsunade watched the large pink tip of his cock moving right in front of her face and the two tongues writhing around it. She grabbed Sasuke's hair and turned his head to kiss him.

"Mmmm, your breath smells like sake, oh, that turns me on." She moaned and kissed him more. He was going to say "Sure it turns ya on, ya old drunkard", but her tongue was in his mouth and he couldn't. She bit his lips, then she kissed Naruto, and then she let them lick Iatchi's dick again. Itachi couldn't hold it any more and his cum splattered all over Tsunade's breasts and Naruto and Sasuke's faces.

Naruto and Sasuke started licking each other's faces, and Itachi licked Tsunade's breasts, then he claimed her lips for a passionate kiss, his own cum dripping from his mouth. She licked it off his face and kissed him eagerly, playing with his skillful tongue. It was so skillful that she got lost in fantasies about what miracles it could do on some other places.

She growled and gripped his hair, pushed him down, and made him lower his head between her legs.

He smirked, grabbed her thighs and spread them wide, dipping his tongue between them.

"Aaaah." She writhed and grasped strands of Naruto and Sasuke's hair, pulling them toward herself, making them suck her nipples.

Itachi buried his face in her wet softness, swirling and shoving his tongue, every lick made her let out a lustful moan, Sasuke and Naruto's hot mouths on her breasts made the pleasure almost unbearable, and she came screaming and shuddering. Itachi lifted his face up and gave her a naughty wet smile.

She growled and tackled him, getting on top of him. The three boys gasped at the same time. Obviously she was going to ride Itachi, and that meant…

"Yaaay! Shake the boobies, bitch!" Sasuke yelled. "Lemme see em shakin', baby!"

Tsunade wanted to slap him, but she was too busy impaling herself on Itachi's dick. She slowly slipped it in, pressing herself down, feeling it sliding in her heated insides, filling her up. She watched it as it entered her slowly. "Ohoho, so huge, so thick, mmmm, the little weasel has a niice, huuuge dick, oh, I'm so gonna have so much fun right now."

And then she stared moving. Up and down. Fast.

They watched her stunned. Itachi's eyes widened at the sight of all that bouncing flesh. Naruto and Sasuke rolled their eyes up and down, following the movements of Tsunade's enormous shaking breasts.

For a minute they were speechless, silently admiring the glorious scene, only Sasuke whispered "Incredible! Incredible!" Then Naruto crawled closer to Tsunade and straddled Itachi's legs, positioning himself behind her back, he wrapped his arms around her and grabbed her breasts, squeezing the shaking flesh. He grinned to Sasuke with a happy and blissful expression on his face.

Sasuke giggled, hiccupped, giggled again and squealed. "Yaaay! Boobie fucking!" He straddled Itachi's body, then he stood up, staggering a little, leaning on Tsunade's shoulder for support. He was standing in front of her, giggling like an idiot, then he eagerly shoved his dick between her breasts. "Ooooooh"

The pink tip of his cock popping up right in front of her face was too tempting, and she took it between her lips, swirling her tongue around the head.

Itachi couldn't see the shaking breasts any more, because Sasuke was blocking the view, but now Sasuke's naked butt was deliciously moving before his eyes. He stretched his arm and shoved a finger in the hole. It made Sasuke moan and writhe, almost falling, but he somehow managed to keep his balance and continued to thrust his dick between Tsunade's breasts and in her mouth.

"Aw, that's so much fun!" Tsunade yelped happily and shoved her finger in Sauske's hole together with Itahci's finger.

"I wanna touch Sasu too!" Naruto removed one of his hands from Tsunade's breasts and sneaked it between Sasuke's legs, tickling his balls. And then Sasuke was screaming wildly and coming all over Tsunade's face, cause all the stimulation was too much for him. Then he collapsed on the mattress.

Tsunade moved faster, slamming herself onto Itachi's dick, panting. "Aaaah, rub me!"

"Er?"

She grabbed Naruto's hand and placed it between her legs, his fingers rubbing her and brushing Itachi's dick as well, his other hand was still squeezing her breasts. "Aaaaaah" She came, but didn't stop moving.

Naruto moved away. She leaned forward to kiss Itachi, their tongues tangled. This position provided a nice view of another interesting part of her body which attracted the attention of a still horny and regaining his hardness Sasuke.

"Yaaay! Butt fuck!" He made Naruto lick his dick to make it slick, and then he attacked.

"OMG!" Tsunade yelped with surprise as drunk giggling Sasuke suddenly appeared behind her back and briefly slipped his dick in her ass. Of course she didn't protest at all. Having the Uchiha brothers fuck the crap out of her was something she would utterly enjoy.

Itachi was bucking his hips and Sasuke was thrusting madly, his face flushed, wild alcoholic excitement shining in his eyes, his fingers fondling Tsunade's breasts.

"Holy shit, nii-san, ya fucker, I can feel your dick inside her!"

Their cocks were rubbing against each other through the thin flesh. Itachi could feel this too, and it drove him crazy.

"Ooooh, Sasuke…"

"Aaaah, nii-san, I can feel ya, I feel ya… yeah…"

"Mmmm, Sasu, ooh, your dick feels so good… aah… aah, Sasuke…"

"Nnnnnh, ooh, nii-san… Itachiiiii."

Tsunade was pressed between their bodies, listening to all that, she got slightly irritated.

"Eh-hm! Guys! I'm still here, you know, how about anyone say my name or something?"

Sasuke wanted to be polite and pay some attention to her, but all his drunken mind could come up with was "Ya got such a hot ass, ya old bitch! Yeah!"

She was going to yell something at him, but at that moment Naruto who was getting bored being idle, shoved his dick in her mouth. It was big and sweet, and soon she was sucking it eagerly, forgetting what Sasuke had said.

The fun went on until all of them came at the same time.

They were tired, but she growled "More!"

They did all kinds of things to her, but she couldn't stop, she wanted more and more. She was writhing and moaning as Naruto and Sasuke licked her, their tongues pushing together inside her, Itachi sucking her breasts, then Naruto's dick sliding in her, Itachi thrusting in her mouth, then in her ass, then Sasuke doing the same, then Naruto blushing and looking nervously at the floor when they told him it was his turn to slam into her ass, then finally doing it, blushing even more at the thought that he was fucking a hokage's ass.

Then Sasuke found Tsunade's sake and became even more drunk, noisy, and troublesome. He was laughing, cursing, hiccupping, and staggering, yelling "Do ya fuckin' people know what I fuckin' like more than huge boobies? Huge dicks! Yaaay! Sasu wanna have a niiice fuckin' dick in his niiice fuckin' butt fuckin' now, yay, Sasu is a good boy, gimme some dicks, ya niiiice people…"

Itachi's face got pale as if he had seen a ghost, and he shivered. "Holy crap! When he's heavily drunk, Sasu turns into some mixture of Hidan and Tobi. Shit! Shit, shit, shit!"

Tsunade was extremely happy. "You heard the boy, give him a dick in the ass."

Itahci briefly started slamming him, he looked at Naruto, and this time Naruto was clever enough to understand and hurried to shove his dick in Sasuke's mouth before he could start cursing Tsunade and saying more bullshit.

Tsunade watched Sasuke's butt being pounded, then she watched Naruto's butt being pounded, then she wanted her butt to be pounded again, it just had no end.

At some moment Itachi was really worried, he could feel he was at his limit. He looked around for help, but Sasuke was already snoring on the floor, completely exhausted and drunk, and Naruto was helplessly sprawled on the bed, out of strength, out of chakra, out of everything. And Tsunade didn't seem to be tired at all, hungrily staring at him, fiercely growling.

Itachi was already wondering was he going to die in Tsunade's relentless embrace, when he noticed that a cloud of red chakra was forming around Naruto's body. 'The fox's chakra, we're saved!' he thought.

"Uzumaki!" Itachi yelled. "Now everything is up to you, Uzumaki, we're counting on you!"

Tsunade turned around and looked at Naruto, at the same time Itachi sneaked out of the room, holding sleeping Sasuke and a bottle of Tsunade's sake.

Tsunade smirked.

Naruto looked at her defiantly. "Kage bunshin no jutsu!" The bedroom got crowded with clones. Tsunade blinked a few times in amazement, and then the army of naked Narutos attacked her, huge hardened dicks waving everywhere around her, soon she had a dick in every hole, she was writhing and moaning, sprawled on the bed, pressed under the bunch of clones that tackled her one over the other.

Outside on the street Itachi had drunk a lot of the sake he had taken to calm himself down, he had somehow managed to wake up Sasuke and the two of them were staggering and trying to find their house. Soon they bumped against a door, believing that this was their home. They were utterly surprised when the door opened and…

Shino was staring in disbelief at the two drunk, staggering, and cursing Uchihas. Itachi was holding half asleep Sasuke in one arm, a bottle of sake in the other. He tried to smile at Shino. "Sorry man, this ya house? We got lost or somethin'…"

Shino just glared at him angrily and slammed the door. "What a shame! Drunk idiots!"

Finally they made it to their house and sprawled on the bed completely exhausted. Then Itachi realized that he actually hadn't stopped fucking for the last few days, day and night he had been fucking someone. With very little rest. And he was still alive. He fell asleep with a self-satisfied grin on his face, thinking 'Yeah! I'm a sex machine!'

******

Some other people in Konoha were having a hard night too.

(at the Hyuga house)

Neji writhed frantically, but the chains restrained him. He whined pitifully.

"No, please, no, Hinata, stop already, you're riding me for hours, ouch, you're too rough, please stop, you'll break my dick, aaah, and why do you have to use that whip, stop pleeeeaaase, I'm really sorry that Itachi ate all the pie and there was nothing left for you, I'll make more, I promise, pleeeease, aah, don't beat me, I'll make you cookies, and pancakes, and chocolate cake, please stop, aaaaah……"

In the morning Shizune was worried when Tsunade didn't appear at her office, so she went to look for her. She blushed and yelped with surprise when she saw a crowd of naked Narutos proudly leaving Tsunade's bedroom. When they were gone, she rushed into the room and found Tsunade in a very pitiful condition.

Shizune sighed. "Eh, Tsunade-sama, you found a good reason not to work today."

**to be continued**

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's comments**

Haha, Tsunade definitely had fun. Oh yeah, and you better not underestimate Naruto. And poor Sasu should drink less… By the way, there's a retarded vid in youtube where Sasuke is saying "Itachi, Itachi, Itachi", and at the end he says "weasel" with that terrible funny voice, so if you've seen it, you know how he sounded in this chapter in the "weeeeaaaaasel" part.

And now I hope that Ita-chan will appear to say the disclaimer.

Itachi: Ahahaha.

Me: Ah, Ita-chan, you're here… but what's so funny? Whatever, now please say the…

Itachi: Ahahahahahaha.

Me: Ita-chan! You're drunk! Eh, fine. I'll say the disc-…. Ita-chan! Get your hands off me, you drunk idiot, stay away until I say… *pushes Itachi away*

Itachi: *staggering and hiccupping*

Me: *sighs* Now where was I? Ah, the disclaimer. Well, the characters belong to Masashi Ki-… Ita-chan! I told you already, first I must say that thing about the characters, and later we… Ita-chan! Get your damn fingers out of there now!

Sasuke: *hic* Weeeeaaaaaaseeeel!

Itachi: *faints*

Me: Oh, well, characters belong to Kishimoto. Right. Hey, give me that! *takes bottle of sake from Sasuke's desperately clutched fingers* Ah, niice. *hic*


	8. Chapter 8

**Horny idiots ch.8**

warning: yaoi and some insane bitches going crazy because of someone's ass

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

The whole day and the following night everything was quiet and peaceful in the Uchiha house. No moaning, no creaking bed, no quarelling and shouting. They were sleeping, recovering from what they had experienced for the last few days.  
Sasuke woke up tangled in Naruto's arms and legs. With great difficulty he managed to sneak out of the blond's tight embrace and got out of the bed, the blond shifted restlessly and turned to the other side.  
It was almost noon, but it was unusually dark, and when Sasuke looked through the window, he noticed that thick grey clouds were covering the sky and it was raining. He yawned and went to the kitchen to look for some food, still half asleep, dragging his feet and cursing his headacke, his poor head felt too heavy. All he could find in the fridge was ice-cream, but he was hungry, so he had to deal with it.  
Soon he was sitting at the table, yawning all the time, absent-mindedly staring in a big bowl of ice-cream. He was too sleepy, his eyelids got heavier and heavier, and he fell asleep, collapsing on the table, his head fell in the bowl, and he buried his face in the ice-cream.  
Meanwhile Itachi started waking up too. He yawned and tried to sit, but there was something heavy on top of him, and it restrained his movements. Someone was clinging to him. He could hear quiet snoring very close to his ear. A warm body was pressed to his own, soft fluffy hair was tickling his face. He opened his eyes. It was blond hair.  
'What? That idiot?'  
Itachi tried to push him away, but Naruto's arms wrapped more tightly around him, Naruto muttered something incoherent and buried his face in his neck.  
"Shit! Sasuke! Help!"  
Sasuke woke up as he heard some yelling coming from the bedroom, then he felt something cold on his face. He lifted his head from the bowl of ice-cream and went to see why Itachi was making all that noise, so painful to his poor ears.  
When he appeared at the door of the bedroom, Itachi yelled at him "Sasuke! I can't remove that thing! He is so clingy, as if he's glued to me or something! So damn annoying. Make him move away and..." He looked at the white melted ice-cream on Sasuke's face. "What? You two managed to fuck already? At least clean your face!"  
"Nii-san, that's ice-cream."  
"Oh... well, you obviously eat ice-cream in a very interesting manner, whatever. Now I want to know what the hell is that retarded Uzumaki idiot doing on top of me. He wants me to fuck him or something?"  
Sasuke sighed.  
"Stupid nii-san. He just wants to cuddle. It's called affection. He likes you. Having feelings is not a crime, you know. At least hug him. Can't you be nice for once?"  
Then Sasuke went back to the kitchen. He sat at the table and muttered "Nii-san is such an idiot sometimes." Then he yawned and looked at the bowl. "Great. Now how am I supposed to eat that?" He shrugged it off, yawned and fell asleep again, his head hung lower and lower until his face was peacefully resting in the bowl of melted ice-cream.  
Itachi shifted uncomfortably and tried to remove Naruto, but the blond was holding him tight. Itachi didn't want to be too rough and rude, and push him harder or kick him, so he just grabbed his shoulder and gently shook him.  
"Uh, come on, Uzumaki, wake up. Rise and shine, you idiot, and get out of here."  
But Naruto had no intention to go away. He was not afraid of Itachi as much as he was before, they were living together for a few days already, and somehow Naruto got used to him. He even kind of worshiped him, because Itachi was so gorgeous, strong, and similar to Sasuke, and Naruto had never been so close to someone so stunning and powerful before. He had discovered that even though Itachi could be very scary, being with him could be very very pleasurable. And Naruto enjoyed it. He enjoyed watching Itachi, touching Itachi, being fucked into the mattress by Itachi, watching Itachi pounding Sasuke... Everything looked and felt so good.  
When Sasuke had woken up and left the bed, suddenly depriving Naruto of his warmth, the blond had felt so cold and lonely. And the most natural thing to do was to cuddle with whoever he could find in the bed. And that happened to be Itachi.  
Itachi shook Naruto's shoulder again. Messy blond locks brushed his cheek, and his gaze met two sleepy blue eyes, staring back at him. A blissful smile appeared on Naruto's face and he moaned quietly " Mmmmm, Itachi-saaan..."  
Then he pressed himself closer to Itachi, tangling his arms and legs around him more tightly, and nuzzled him again, his soft lips brushing the skin on Itachi's neck, his whole body slightly rubbing against him.  
Itachi sighed and finally surrendered. It didn't feel so bad after all. Actually it felt... kind of sweet. He ruffled the blond strands, they felt so silky between his fingers, his other hand slid along Naruto's back, caressing the smooth skin. The boy arched and moaned sweetly, Itachi touched him more, at first he had thought he should just ignore him, but now he wanted to touch and he couldn't stop himself. The feeling of all that warm softness and fluffiness in his arms was so pleasurable and sweet, it was like hugging a plush toy. Itachi's fingers slid down Naruto's back and gently patted his butt, rubbing the cheeks and slipping between them.  
"Oooh" Itachi couldn't hold a moan, he bucked his hips to grind himself against Naruto, who could feel something big getting harder and harder.  
"Itachi-san?" Wide open curious blue eyes gave Itachi a questioning look.  
"Uuuhhm... mmmh" Itachi grabbed Naruto's hand and placed it where he desperately needed to get some touching.  
"Oh..." Naruto smiled cutely and started stroking him. He shily leaned his face closer to Itachi's and gave him a timid kiss. Then he giggled and gave him another not so timid kiss, his tongue slipped out and licked Itachi's lips. Itachi took it in his mouth and felt it writhing around his own tongue. The boy tasted sweet.  
'He's like a little candy when he's cute like that' Itachi thought, 'But when he's an idiot he can be totally unbearable. What a damn contradiction.'  
"Mmmmm"  
That tongue was so sweet and naughty.  
"Mmmm... Uzumaki... suck me..."  
Another questioning look.  
Bucking hips, moans and growls. "Come on, suck my dick."  
Moist lips wrapped around him.  
"Uh, not like that, take more of it in your mouth."  
Naruto looked up. "Wike that, Witachi-san? Am I woing it the wight way?"  
Itachi almost laughed. Naruto looking stupidly at him with a dick in his mouth, and trying to talk at the same time, it was so cutely ridiculous.  
"No, you're not doing it the right way, you idiot, and don't speak with full mouth. Now take it deeper and move more. Up and down. And move your tongue on the tip. No, not like that. Do it in swirls. And faster."  
Naruto did his best, then he stopped for a moment and took the dick out of his mouth.  
"Was that fast enough?"  
"No. And I want to feel how you suck it in, suck harder, damn it. And move your tongue more!"  
Naruto finally realized what exactly Itachi wanted from him. But he didn't do it.  
Sometimes Naruto was more clever and Itachi was more stupid than what people thought.  
Naruto just looked at Itachi very cluelessly and innocently, blinked a few times and said "I'm sorry. I don't get it, Itachi-san."  
"Uh, fine!" Itachi growled with irritation. "Stupid Uzumaki! I'll show you."  
And then Naruto was kneeling in the bed, amazed and speechless, looking down at Itachi who was licking and sucking, writhing his tongue all over Naruto's dick, taking it unbelievably deep in his throat, slightly grunting. The blond boy really tasted sweet... everywhere.  
"Nnnh" Naruto felt like he was about to come right away, his whole body was burning and shivering.  
Some people might wonder what was the big deal, it was just a blowjob after all. Well, when you're just a stupid little Naruto and you have the famous, incredible, and frightening Itachi Uchiha suck your dick like that, this is definitely one hell of a turn on.  
Before Itachi could realize what was going on, Naruto was coming hard in his mouth. This was the last thing Itachi had expected, he had intended just to show the boy a few things and then make him suck his dick again. He never thought this would happen so fast. "What the hell?"  
The satisfaction Naruto felt was so overwhelming that he almost fainted. No, I'm not exaggerating. When you're just a stupid little Naruto and you come hard in the throat of the amazing, powerful, and cruel Itachi Uchiha, and then he looks at you with that sweet, priceless, bewildered, and surprised expression on his face, and your cum is dripping from his mouth, well, this must feel really great.  
Who knows what would have happened after that if the ring of the doorbell hadn't suddenly attracted their attention.  
The sharp annoying sound made Sasuke wake up and jump in the air, falling from the chair he was sitting on, the bowl of ice-cream fell on his head.  
"Jeez, who the fuck is that?"  
Cursing and stumbling, he dragged himself to the door and opened it, not bothering even to remove the bowl from his head.  
Outside, in the rain, was standing a wet, shivering, and very miserable Deidara, tears mingled with raindrops rolling down his cheeks.  
For a few seconds the two of them just looked at each other with curiosity and surprise. Deidara wanted to say something, but he just stared at Sasuke dumbfounded. A naked Sasuke with a bowl of ice-cream on his head was definitely not what he had expected to see.  
Finally Deidara pointed at the bowl and said "Very eccentric, dude, very artistic and eccentric, un."  
"It's not there on purpose! What do you want? " Sasuke angrily took the bowl off his head.  
"Sasuke, who's that?" Itachi and Naruto appeared behind his back.  
"Ita-chaaan!" Deidara pushed Sasuke aside and rushed into the house. He wrapped his arms around Itachi and pressed him in a suffocating hug.  
"Ita-chaaaan. Oh, Ita-chan! I... I can't take this any more! Being away from you is a torture, un!"  
Deidara had a firm grip of Itachi's shoulders, shaking him wildly and staring intently in his eyes. "I can't live without you, Ita-chan! I know, you told me I had Sasori-san, but I want you more, un! I left Akatsuki because of you, I want to be with you forever!"  
Sasuke's brow twitched. He looked at Deidara's akatsuki cloak, then he saw the look in Itachi's eyes. So there was someone in Akatsuki that his brother didn't hate. He sighed.  
"I see, nii-san, that I'm not the only one who got involved with a crazy and annoying blond idiot."  
Itachi looked at him and Sasuke looked back. They understood each other without words. Itachi had accepted Naruto, and Sasuke had to accept Deidara. Otherwise it would be unfair.  
"Dei, calm down and listen to me. You can't stay here without the hokage's permission. We must talk to her immediately. If anyone finds you here, they'll try to kill you. We must go now. Sasuke, you'll come with us, we must ask Tsunade to let us have Dei-chan in our house. Naruto, you stay here. Actually you can go get some food, the damn fridge is empty."  
"All right, let's go." Sasuke dragged himself to the door.  
"Er... Sasu?"  
"What?"  
"You're naked and you have ice-cream all over your face."  
"Aw."

******

Some time later they rushed into Tsunade's office, but didn't find her. Only Kotetsu was there to take some papers. They told him it was important and explained what they needed Tsunade for, insisting to see her immediately. Kotetsu had no idea where she was, but promised to bring Shizune.

"What? A member of Akatsuki? Unbelievable! I can't understand what makes them think that Tsunade-sama would let him stay in Konoha!" Shizune yelled, rushing to Tsunade's office. She stormed in the room and suddenly stopped, her eyes widening, her jaw dropped.  
In the midle of the room was standing Deidara with a stupid expression on his face, slightly blushing, staring at her with wide-open innocent blue eyes, his eyelashes fluttering, he was smiling so sweetly, his long, wet, golden strands clinging to his pink-coloured cheeks.  
Shizune pointed at him and stuttered "I-Is that h-him?" Itachi and Sasuke nodded. She laughed nervously, her fingers twitched restlessly, and her cheeks reddened.  
"S-So cute! OMG, so sweet! I'm sure there will be no problem for him to stay in Konoha, I mean... just look at him, how could such a sweet little thing do any harm? I'll bring Tsunade-sama immediately!" She ran out of the room.  
They waited for a while, wondering what to do. Itachi wandered pointlessly all over the room, and when he got near Tsunade's computer, his gaze stopped at her desktop.  
"Holy shit! Noooo. Weasels! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" He fainted.  
"What the fuck?" Sasuke caught him before he collapsed on the floor and took a look at the desktop. The pic was "I Am Weasel" fanart, Weasel was drawn as a ninja doing Kage bunshin no jutsu, all the weasel clones were fucking each other.

"Shizune, are you insane?" Tsunade yelled as she was walking as fast as possible along the corridor leading to her office, Shizune was running after her jumpily, trying to persuade her.  
"But, Tsunade-sama, just wait to see him. Please, let's keep him, please! He'll stay at the Uchiha house."  
"Shizune! This is not a dog you take from the streets and keep in your house as a pet. He's from Akatsuki! This means he's a dangerous criminal." Tsunade opened the door and entered the room. "He's a ruthless murderer and... "  
When she saw Deidara she stopped in the middle of her sentence, stunned.  
Long golden hair, a cute blush, a sweet stupid smile, puppy eyes. She couldn't take her eyes off him.  
"OMG!" Excitement and some sick interest flashed in Tsunade's eyes. "OMG! So sweet! Of course we'll keep him, Shizune! Adorable!"  
Then she noticed Sasuke, who was holding unconscious Itachi.  
"What happened?"  
"Er... " Sasuke stutterd nervously. "He just saw your desktop. He has some problems with "I Am Weasel", some traumatizing experience in Akatsuki, I think. They even tried to make him cosplay."  
"Aw!" Tsunade exclaimed excitedly. "I wonder how that would look. Anyway, your little friend here will receive my permission to stay in Konoha, but first I must talk to him. You can wait outside. Now go and take care of poor Itachi."  
Sasuke dragged the slowly regaining consciousness Itachi out of the room.  
"Aw aw aw, Shizune, just look at him!" The two of them went closer to Deidara, giggling happily.  
"I told you, Tsunade-sama, I told you! What a pretty face, look at these eyes, and these lips, such a cute boy! And these golden strands... " Shizune tangled her fingers in his hair.  
"Oooh, what adorable blush, mmmm, and soft skin." Tsunade gently stroked his cheek.  
"Aw, look at him Shizune, he's wet, he must have been in the rain for hours. Poor little sweetie, you're freezing, aren't you?"  
Deidara looked at her and blinked a few times, deliberately making his eyelashes tremble, then he looked down and nodded shily.  
"Oh, my dear, you'll catch a cold like that, come on, let's remove these wet clothes." The two women started undressing him, taking off his cloak, then his shirt and his pants.  
"Tsunade-sama! He looks so good naked!" Shizune ran her fingers all over his chest. "Oh, these cute, little, pink nipples!" She rubbed one nipple with her fingertips, Tsunade pinched the other.  
Deidara gasped and blushed even more when they pulled his boxers down with one swift movement.  
"Awwwww" Shizune and Tsunade looked at each other happily. "Huuuge!"  
Then they smirked evilly, turned him around, and held their breath for a second, then they started giggling and squealing.  
"OMG OMG OMG, Tsunade-sama, just look at that! What adorable, cute, little butt!"  
"Ohohoho, Shizune, we're so lucky today!" Tsunade's fingers twitched lustfully.  
In seconds Deidara was sprawled on Tsunade's desk, face down.  
"Oooh, touching it feels so good." Tsunade was rubbing and squeezing his ass intensely. Then she gave him a firm slap. "Aww, look at the way the flesh moves when I spank him, oooh, that hot delicious butt!"  
"Open him, open him, Tsunade-sama!" Shizune squealed impatiently, jumping restlessly around the desk.  
Tsunade grabbed the cheeks of his ass and held them open, she and Shizune made another loud excited squeal and started breathing heavily, then they yelled at the same time "What adorable little hole! So sweet, and pink, and cute, awww!"  
Shizune licked her lips greedily, then she licked one of her fingers and slipped it in the hole. She yelled euphorically "He's so soft inside!"  
Immediately one of Tsunade's fingers was added to Shizune's. "Oh yeah, he is!" They moved their fingers back and forth, Deidara moaned softly, completely surrendered to whatever they wanted to do with him.  
Tsunade leaned to him and whispered with a sweet, slightly hissing voice "Do you like what we're doing to your cute little ass, hottie? " The answer was a louder moan.  
They moved their fingers frantically, growling and grunting, slapping his ass from time to time.  
"Bring the toys, Shizune, and the oil."  
Soon vibrators of all sizes and shapes were shoved in Deidara's ass, Tsunade and Shizune were squirming with insane happy laughter, commenting how nicely his ass stretched to take the toys, how cutely Deidara moaned, and things like that.  
At some moment Tsunade noticed something strange and grabbed Deidara's hand.  
"What the hell is that?" A tongue slipped out of the palm mouth and Tsunade squealed with amazement.  
"Wow wow wow, what we have here, just look at that, Shizune, what a priceless treasure!"  
"Yaaay!" Shizune grabbed his other hand. In seconds she and Tsunade were naked, each one had one of Deidara's hands between her legs, at the same time they kept on shoving various toys in his ass.

Meanwhile Sasuke had taken Itachi outside and had placed him on a bench in front of the building. The rain had stopped, and the clouds had dispersed to reveal a bright blue sky.  
"Are you all right, nii-san?"  
Itachi was pale as if he had seen a ghost. All he could say was some incoherent muttering "W-Weasels, weasels, s-so many weasels... aaaaa."  
Sasuke sighed. "Poor nii-san."  
At that moment Shino passed by, on his way to Tsunade's office, and gave them a disapproving look. He intended to complain about their presence in the village.  
'Hm. Probably they're drunk again or something' he thought. 'What a shame! I'll talk to the hogage right away and I'll insist on getting some answers why she allows such corrupted people to stay in Konoha. They're criminals. Not to mention the incest. They're a disgrace to the village!'  
Realizing where Shino was going, Sasuke briefly patted Itachi's shoulder and said "I'll be right back." Then he ran after Shino.  
They were already inside the building, Sasuke was trying to persuade Shino to go back, Shino was proudly trying to ignore him.  
"Shino, I told you she's busy, just wait here until she's done."  
"Who are you to tell me what to do, Uchiha? People like you make me sick! We'll see how confident you will be after I talk to the hokage. You'll go to jail! That's where your place is. And she knows it! I hope she has enough common sence and morals to do the right thing with you and your degraded brother."  
Saying that, Shino opened the door to Tsunade's office and froze.  
There were sticky vibrators scaterred all over the room, an akatsuki cloak, tossed on the floor, Shizune was bent over Tsunade's desk, Deidara was wildly fucking her, one of his palm tongues sucking her breasts, the other tongue was licking Tsunade who was thrusting her fingers in his ass like crazy. There was some insane glint in her eyes as she turned her head to look at Shino and yell to him "Fuck off, you little motherfucker, can't you see I'm busy!" She grabbed a huge vibrator and waved it in the air. "Get out of here now, or I'll shove this in your ass!"  
Shino's eyes widened in shock, he briefly turned around and ran away, he was so disturbed and bewildered, that it took him fifteen minutes of wild running all over the place, until he managed to find the way out of the building.

Itachi was sitting on the bench where Sasuke had left him, curled up, sheepishly looking around and muttering "Weasels! Weasels! Weasels!"  
Kotetsu noticed him and thought that he looked very strange and not well at all. He went to him very concerned and sat on the bench next to him.  
Itachi gave him an insane glare, grasped his shirt and screamed with a thin voice "Weasels!"  
"Itachi-san, what's wrong, I don't see any weasels, are you all right?"  
"NO!" Itachi pressed himself closer to Kotetsu, slightly shaking.  
Kotetsu was confused, but wrapped his arms around him in an attempt to make him calm down. Being so close to Itachi made him feel a little uncomfortable and he blushed, wondering what else to do to help him.  
"Er... Itachi-san, is there anything I can do for you?"  
"Sasuke always kisses me to make me feel better when I have a fit of 'weasel panic', and he hugs me."  
Kissing the wonderful and beautiful Itachi Uchiha was something no one would refuse ( well, except Shino).  
Their lips touched, then Kotetsu pulled away and said "Do you feel better now, Itachi-san?"  
"Er... not yet." The kiss deepened and soon they got carried away, tangling their tongues, shoving their hands in each other's pants. Itachi growled, forgetting completely about the weasels, he gripped Kotetsu's black spiky locks and shoved his tongue as deep in his throat as possible. Then he realized that on that bench they could be seen by anyone, and he dragged Kotetsu to the nearby bushes.  
Finally they were hidden behind the thick mass of green leaves and could continue what they had started.  
Itachi looked in Kotetsu's dark eyes, squeezing roughly his ass, grunting with content at what his fingers felt. He growled "Kotetsu, you bastard, I haven't noticed how hot you are, was I blind or something? Anyway, now you'll get the attention you deserve." He briefly slid Kotetsu's pants down and unzipped his own.  
Kotetsu shivered with excitement at the thought of receiving Itachi's attention up his ass. He was used to being the seme whenever he did that with Izumo, but now he didn't care what would happen.  
Being with the awesome Itachi Uchiha was something a lot of people in Konoha dreamed about, and Kotetsu would never waste a chance like that, no matter what kind of things Itachi wanted to do to him. So he bent over and leaned on a tree obediently, offering his ass to the horny Uchiha. Yet, he was a little nervous, he could sense that Itachi was impatient.  
"I-Itachi-san, please prepare me first."  
He felt wet skillful fingers thrust inside him, shoving and rubbing. Then he heard Itachi's command. "Make me wet."  
He turned around and took the large dick in his mouth. When it was slick enough, he resumed his previous position and arched his back to give Itachi better access, awaiting the feeling of his cock sliding inside. He gasped when he felt it stretch him, and moaned blissfully, taking it deep, his moans got louder when Itachi started gigving him fast hard slams.  
'He's so rough now' Kotetsu thought, 'And just a few minutes ago he was shivering so pitifully, whining about some weasels. What a weird guy.'  
Obviously Kotetsu didn't realize the miraculous effect of his own hot ass that had helped Itachi recover so quickly and regain his usual merciless and brutal manners.

At that moment Shino finally found the way out of the building and ran like crazy straight throuh the bushes. He almost bumped into Itachi and Kotetsu who were fucking madly. He yelped miserably and jumped back screaming "My eyes burn, nooo, that's too much for today, noooo....."  
That day a lot of people saw a funny, freaked out Shino running like mad through the village, unable to stop until he reached his house, then he stormed inside, locked the door and hid under the bed. Rumors said that he spent under the bed a few days until Kiba and Hinata somehow managed to get him out of there and give him some tranquilizers, wondering what had happened to the usually calm Aburame.

In Tsunade's office the fun had finally finished, and Tsunade was explaining to Sasuke that Deidara could stay with him and Itachi, her judgement was that he wouldn't do any harm to the village.  
"Haha, Uchiha, you and Itachi are two lucky bastards, you know, take care of this sweet precious boy and promise to give him to me from time to time. By the way, where is your charming brother? Is he all right?"  
"I left him outside on a bench."  
Then all of them looked through the window just in time to see how somewhere in the bushes Itachi came really hard in Kotetsu's ass.  
Sasuke sighed with relief. "I think he's just fine."

**to be continued**

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's Comments**

Yeah, now there's a foursome in the Uchiha house. And there's a very happy hokage in Konoha. The damn bitch gets all the hot guys, I can see your faces turn green with envy.

And now the disclaimer. Poor poor me. Ita-chan drives me crazy. I hope this time he'll say it properly and won't do stupid things. Ah, there he is. Hm, he doesn't look good, he's too pale and he looks disturbed.

Itachi: Weasels!

Me: You're the only weasel here, Ita-chan, say the damn disclaimer.

Itachi: Weasels! Weasels! Weasels!

Me: No, don't hide behind my back, Ita-chan, there are no weasels here, come on, smile to these nice readers and tell them about the characters!

Itachi: *shivering and screaming* WEASELS!!!

Me: OMG, somebody do something!

Kotetsu: Er... I think I can help. I'll make him feel better. *fucks Itachi*

Me: Great! *staring and nosebleeding* Er.......... is that what you do to help him? Interesting. All right, I'll say the disclaimer. Again! Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. " I am Weasel" belongs to whoever it belongs. Now I think I need someone to make me feel better too. Kotetsu?

Kotetsu: But you're all right.

Me: I'm not all right! Weasels! Weasels! Weasels!


	9. Chapter 9

**Horny idiots ch.9**

warning: Yaooooiiiiiiii again! More stuff are shoved in Dei's butt, bwahaha.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Tsunade stared at their butts as Sasuke and Deidara left her office. Then she giggled at the thought of the story about Itachi's experience in Akatsuki, and their attempt to make him do "I am Weasel" cosplay. After Sasuke had mentioned Itachi's weasel problem, she had made Deidara tell her everything, hoping that they had some photos, but she was disappointed to find out that they actually never managed to force him do it.

"What a pity, what a pity, he would have looked so cute…" she was muttering to herself.

Then she thought for a minute and yelled "Shizune!"

Shizune and the pig stormed into the room.

"Shizune! Find Sai and bring him here immediately!"

In a few minutes Sai was in her office. She gave him a severe look.

"Sai! I have a very important mission for you."

Sai whined pitifully "Oh, not another 'I am Weasel' fanart!"

She giggled evilly. "Well, not exactly. Sai! I want you to draw Itachi wearing a weasel costume! Make him look cute."

Sai made a very miserable grimace.

"But… but… I have no time for that, right now I'm drawing an ItaSasu pic for Kaline-chan's contest in DA…"

"Damn you, Sai! That's an order! By the way, I wish I could enter the contest too, but I can't draw, and my writing sucks. But I bet the old pervert Jirayia is going to write something, the damn bastard! Now go and draw the pic I want!"

******

When Sasuke and Deidara went outside, they found a satisfied Itachi coming out of the bushes, followed by a very happy Kotetsu.

Sasuke sighed. "Naughty nii-san. I leave you alone for a minute, and you immediately find someone to fuck. Come on, let's go home."

Itachi was curious about Deidara's 'conversation' with Tsunade and Shizune, so he asked "Dei, they have no problem with you staying in Konoha, right?"

Deidara smirked. "The bitches are totally in love with me, un!"

When they got to their house, they found there Naruto who had brought some food and was sitting at the table in the kitchen, eating his damn ramen.

"Well, Dei, that's your new home now. I live here with Sasu and the Uzumaki idiot, deal with it.

"I don't care who else is here, as long as I'm with you, Ita-chaaaan, un!"

Deidara gave him such a cute look, filled with adoration and longing, that Itachi just couldn't resist. He went closer to him and growled "Deidara… I haven't seen you for too long, and I kinda missed you, I must admit."

Itachi pulled Deidara's akatsuki cloak off his shoulders and tossed it away, his gaze traced lustfully the lines of Deidara's body, his breathing got heavier. "Dei… I must have you now!"

Then he didn't waste more time, he grabbed Deidara and bent him over the table, right next to Naruto who was peacefully eating his ramen.

"Oooh, Dei, I can't wait!"

Itachi pulled Deidara's pants and underwear down and took them off, baring his ass, it was still a little reddened from what Tsunade had done to him.

"What? Dei, what happened to you? Sasuke, did you do this?"

Sasuke coughed and looked at him innocently. "It wasn't me, nii-san, the hokage did it! She shoved a lot if stuff in there, you know…"

The thought of that turned Itachi on even more, and he eagerly stuck his fingers up Deidara's ass.

For a while Naruto watched with curiosity what was going on right next to him, then he concentrated on is ramen again.

Itachi's other hand squeezed a soft butt cheek as he shoved his fingers deeper, admiring the smooth, round, perfectly shaped ass that he hadn't seen for so long. This ass was Akatsuki's precious treasure, and everyone in Akatsuki drooled over it, and often fought for it, having difficulty to decide who to have it first. Itachi was sure that right now all of them were in despair, grieving for the loss of Deidara's hot ass. Poor Sasori was probably taking antidepressants already. But Itachi couldn't care less, now this awesome butt was his, no wonder it had driven the hokage crazy.

Itachi's tongue plunged in the hole, he tried to shove it as deep as possible, humming and grunting with satisfaction as he pressed his face to Deidara's ass, feeling how soft and smooth it was.

Then he wanted to play with him like the hokage had done, but he was too lazy to go to the bedroom and take a vibrator, so he just looked around. There were some fruits on the table, he took a large banana and slowly thrusted it in Deidara's ass. Naruto frowned and yelled "Hey, Itachi-san, I was going to eat that!"

Itachi just smirked at him.

"Don't go bananas, Uzumaki, you'll eat it when I'm done with it." He shoved it deeper. "Hehe, it goes inside so easily, Tsunade stretched you really nice for me, Dei."

He moved it faster, causing Deidara to make loud girlish moans. The sight of the pink widely stretched hole, taking the fruit so deep, made Itachi impatient. He finally took the banana out and handed it to Naruto.

"You can eat it now, Uzumaki."

Naruto's brow twitched. "Er, no thanks!"

Itachi took his dick out of his pants and stroked it a few times, it was large and hard in his hand. He needed it to be slick, so he waved it in front of Naruto's face. "Suck it, Uzumaki."

Naruto eagerly opened his mouth, but Itachi slapped him across the face.

"Jeez! Swallow your food first, I don't want ramen on my dick!"

After a few swirls of Naruto's tongue, and a few deep thrusts in his throat, Itachi finally slid his dick into Deidara and started taking him hard. He grabbed his legs and lifted them from the floor, gripping them tightly and slamming violently into him.

Deidara was panting, squealing, moaning, and mewling in pure bliss, his eyelashes fluttering over his flushed cheeks, his long golden hair was scattered on the table. He was in heaven, finally having what he was craving for, his precious Ita-chan slamming into him again.

'This looks beautiful.' Sasuke thought as he watched them. He wasn't exactly jealous, he just felt a little strange, and started wondering what Itachi felt when watching him and Naruto fucking.

Itachi's slams got harder and harder, the table was creaking and violently shaking, and poor Naruto found it a little difficult to stay there and keep on eating his ramen, but he was diligently trying, and he ended up with some noodles tangled in his hair and the soup spilling all over him.

Deidara was screaming wildly as he came hard. Itachi made his last slam and came too, he thrusted in Deidara so hard, and then moved out so violently, that his dick was completely pulled out, Deidara lost his balance and fell on the floor, and Itachi came right into the bowl with the remains of Naruto's ramen, splattering some cum on Naruto's face too.

Naruto looked at the bowl and whined pitifully "Itachi-saaaan, you ruined it completely!"

Itachi looked at the poor miserable blond who had noodles in his hair, soup and cum on his face, and despair in his eyes, and growled "Shut up and eat your stupid ramen, Uzumaki, I bet it tastes better this way."

Naruto just shrugged and ate the rest of the ramen. Then his eyes lit up, he licked his lips, smiled happily and exclaimed "Wow, you were right, Itachi-san!"

******

In the evening they were too tired to do anything, and just went to bed for a nice rest, the day filled with so much excitement and worries had exhausted them, but they were relieved to know that the hokage had accepted Deidara without causing any troubles, and now no danger was threatening them.

The bed was huge and there was enough space for all of them to sleep peacefully and feel comfortable. And yet, Sasuke and Naruto felt a bit awkward to have a new person in the bed.

Sasuke grunted and removed Deidara's hair from his face, then he sighed and turned to the other side. He remembered how annoyed Itachi was the first day after Naruto had moved into their house. But Itachi somehow accepted the blond idiot, and even though sometimes he was too rude to poor Naruto, he never made a real problem about Naruto staying with them. Sasuke sighed again. Now he was supposed to do the same thing and at least try to be nice to Deidara. After a few more sighs he finally stopped bothering about that matter and fell asleep.

Next to him Naruto shifted restlessly, some disturbing feeling of emptiness in his stomach made him get out of the bed and go to the kitchen. Rubbing his sleepy eyes, he started rummaging the fridge. In a few minutes he felt another presence in the room, apparently he was not the only one who was hungry. He briefly turned around and faced Deidara.

None of them had put any clothes on, and the two naked blonds stared at each other for a while, giving each other estimating looks.

Finally Naruto said "So you're Itachi-san's bitch, huh? You look like a girl."

Deidara's brow twitched. "I don't, un! I'm a guy, see?" He pointed at his dick. "And you're Sasuke's bitch, as far as I know, he dragged you here, right? He wanted to have his little uke in the house. Dude, I bet you're the one taking it up the ass."

Naruto angrily clenched his fists. "Sometimes I'm seme, bitch. And I'm sure this has never happened to you with Itachi-san, you're the one who bends over for him."

Deidara's face turned red. He was Akatsuki's precious uke, everyone of them was taking turns in his ass. They never let him top any of them, he got the chance to be seme only with some of their victims.

"So what? I've been seme too, un. Though, not with Ita-chan. Ita-chan always wants to be seme. But you probably know this already…" Deidara hesitated for a moment. "You and Ita-chan… have you ever… did you do it already?"

It was Naruto's turn to blush. He looked at the floor and muttered "Um, yeah… Itachi-san is an awesome seme…"

Deidara sighed. "I see. Well, if you have my Ita-chan, then I'll have your Sasuke."

Naruto shrugged. "Fine. I have no problem with that."

Now when this matter was settled, they just stood there in awkward silence, each one of them looking at the other's naked body with curiosity, and pretending they were not doing it deliberately.

Deidara coughed. Naruto shifted uncomfortably.

After another minute of silence Deidara smirked slightly and said "You know, er… you're cute, un."

Naruto blushed. "Um… you're cute too, you look a bit girlish, but I see you have a big…" He blushed more.

Deidara giggled. "Yeah. Yours is not small either. And you have a nice butt, it's no wonder Ita-chan wanted to slam it."

Naruto looked at him with curiosity and pointed at his hand.

"What's that on your palm?"

"It's a mouth." Deidara waved his hand in front of Naruto's face, the tongue slipped out and licked his cheek.

Naruto flinched away. "Uh! It has a tongue!"

"Yeah, I have tongues on both of my hands, and I can do nice things with them, wanna see?"

The tongue licked Naruto's face again, and this time he didn't move away. The other blond's smirk was so naughty and seductive, and the tongue was so soft…

Deidara's hand moved down to Naruto's chest, caressing and gently licking, Naruto shivered and giggled nervously. The other hand slid down his back, and parted the soft cheeks of his ass, the tongue gently shoved inside.

"No way!" Naruto yelled angrily and pushed him away. "No way I let some girlish looking guy top me! If we're going to do anything, I'll be seme and that's it!"

Deidara hadn't expected the little, cute, naive blond to react like that, he had thought he would easily make him submit to him, and finally have the chance to be seme again. But that was not the case.

"Are you sure you don't like it, un?" Deidara pressed himself to Naruto, and the palm tongue slid in his ass again.

"No, I wanna be seme!" Naruto gave Deidara an angry glare, not realizing that at the same time he was pushing his butt against Deidara's hand, unable to resist the delicious sensation.

"Uh! Then we'll switch, un. Pwease?" Deidara smiled cutely and made puppy eyes.

"A-All right, but I'll be seme first."

Deidara said nothing, just started shoving his tongue in Naruto's hole more intensely.

"Er… well… aaah… all right, you're first." Naruto surrendered, and Deidara took his mouth in a gentle kiss.

Both boys moaned quietly, enjoying the sweet softness of each other's lips, tangling their tongues more and more passionately. When they finally broke the kiss, the smirk that appeared on Deidara's face was almost evil. In one swift movement he turned Naruto around and pressed him to the wall, then pressed his hardened dick into his wet slick hole. Before Naruto could realize what was going on, he was enjoying nice hard slams up his ass.

The sound of slapping flesh echoed in the silent house, Deidara's slams getting faster and harder. He growled in Naruto's ear "Are you having fun, foxie?" Then he wrapped his arms around him, one of the palm mouths took his lips in a hot kiss, the other licked his dick. That was all Naruto needed to come hard, he screamed as he got his release, then he heard the palm mouth swallow, and then Deidara's loud moan as he came too.

Deidara let him go and they looked at each other. Both of them were still hard. And both of them knew it was time to switch places.

Deidara smiled playfully and lay on the table spreading his legs wide, his palm tongue gave a few brief licks to his hole, then shoved inside to make it wet.

"Come on, Uzumaki, show me what you can do."

Naruto didn't wait to be told twice. He crawled over Daidara and slid inside him. Their lips met again, and Deidara moaned at the feeling of Naruto's dick and tongue plunging in him.

"Wow, wow, wow, the two hot blondies are having fun. Isn't it adorable, Sasuke?"

"You know, nii-san, at first I was a little worried about them living in one house, but now I see that they get on well."

Itachi and Sasuke were standing at the door of the kitchen, watching the two blond boys fucking and moaning blissfully, writhing on the table, pressed in a tight hug, giving each other sweet kisses.

"Oh, Sasuke, I'll die from too much blond cuteness!"

"Nii-san, we can join them."

A weird soft smile appeared on Itachi's lips.

"I don't think so, Sasuke. Let's go back to the bedroom."

"But, nii-san…"

"Shhh. Let's go back and be just the two of us this time. Just you and me, Sasuke." Itachi wrapped his arm around Sasuke's shoulders and led him out of the room.

Back in the bedroom, he gently pushed him to the bed and crawled over him. He ran his fingers through Sasuke's hair, and Sasuke expected him to grasp it and pull it painfully, and then grip his body and squeeze him, but Itachi did nothing like this, he just continued the gentle touch. He had already observed many times Sasuke and Naruto fuck, and he had noticed how much Sasuke enjoyed the blond's clumsy tenderness and his slow gentle touches. He knew Sasuke liked it rough, but apparently there were other things he enjoyed too.

Sasuke felt feathery kisses and gentle licks all over his body. And the strange expression on Itachi's face told him that this time was going to be different. He finally relaxed completely and surrendered to whatever Itachi was planning, still wondering what was the reason for this.

Itachi's fingers were gliding all over him so pleasurably, he closed his eyes, slightly panting, and when he opened them again, he was facing Itachi. A faint smile was fluttering on the corners of Itachi's lips, it wasn't his usual smirk, it was just a smile, unexpectedly soft and gentle, a hint of some emotion that Itachi didn't show very often.

Itachi kept his gaze on Sasuke's adorably surprised face a little longer, then he took his mouth in a kiss, gently parting his lips with his tongue, he felt the urge to bite, but held it. Then he slowly descended to the lower part of Sasuke's body. Sasuke writhed and squealed at the sensation of Itachi's lips tickling his dick with just light kisses, then slow careful licks, his tongue just sliding up and down his length, and then the warmth of Itachi's mouth sweetly wrapping around him just for a while, before the wet wiggling tongue plunged smoothly inside him.

Sasuke shuddered and invitingly spread his legs wider when he felt two fingers sliding in and out of him, giving very soft touches to his sweet spot. He gasped and bucked his hips against the fingers, but Itachi pulled them out and crawled on top of him. He slipped all of his cock inside Sasuke, and held him in his arms. He didn't grab him, he hugged him. Gently.

Whenever Naruto and Sasuke were fucking, some curiosity made Itachi watch them and register all Sasuke's reactions. Every move and every sound Sasuke was making whenever Naruto was giving him these slow and gentle deep thrusts. The way Sasuke was moaning. It wasn't a scream, it was a soft, quiet moan, gently tickling the ears, so sweet and maddening. Itachi desperately wanted to hear it again, but this time he wanted to be the reason for this adorable sound.

Itachi started moving. Slowly, going deeper and deeper, touching the right place, lightly, just gently brushing it. And then he heard it. The moan. The sweet precious moan that escaped Sasuke's lips together with his moist breath. It turned Itachi on to no end. He felt a sudden urge to slam into Sasuke as hard as he could, and to take him wildly, but he didn't want to ruin what he had started, so he held himself and continued the slow pace. He was amazed at the way Sasuke was pressing himself to him, wrapping his arms around his neck so lovingly, breathing in his face and letting out these heavenly sweet moans. He moved his hips carefully, trying to be as precise as possible, giving Sasuke's sweet spot just the right touch. He was lost in the sound of Sasuke's voice, he felt Sasuke's arms wrap around him more tightly, his legs spreading wider, his insides clenching, his warm lips pressing to his own, and it sent him to heaven. He was coming, together with Sasuke, feeling Sasuke's last moan of satisfaction vibrating on his lips as they kissed.

Itachi pulled out, but they stayed tangled in each other, not wanting to break the hug. Itachi hadn't expected that he would like this so much. Apparently Sasuke liked to be taken like this too, and Itachi thought he could do him like this more often, but next time he was going to pound him hard. He heard the sound of Deidara's screams as Naruto was fucking him for the third time, and he smirked. His cute Dei was such an insatiable uke. Soon the two exhausted blonds appeared in the room and joined them in the bed. The four of them cuddled and fell asleep.

******

Shizune was running along the corridor like mad. She stormed in Tsunade's office, dragging the pig with her.

"Tsunade-sama! What's the matter?"

Tsunade glared at her, holding two pieces of paper.

"Shizune, I have two important tasks for you." She handed to her one of the papers. "This is a shopping list. Find these things for me, cause I'm too lazy to do it myself."

Shizune looked at the list and started reading aloud "Red fluffy hand-cuffs, black leather whip, black leather outfit… aw, Tsunade-sama, you sadistic bitch, um… pink vibrating butt-plug, red lacy bra and panties, a strap on with…"

Tsunade interrupted her "I also wrote my size there, so that you don't make any mistakes. Now take this." She gave her the other paper. "This is a very important letter that must be delivered to Sunagakure immediately!"

Shizune looked at it. "But, Tsunade-sama! It doesn't look presentable at all! It's wrinkled and there are stains on it. I think this here is sake, and… is this chocolate? Tsunade-sama! You'll ruin your diet! And I bet this stain here is from Izumo's cum!"

Tsunade frowned. "Who cares, Shizune! The problem is that my fucking, stupid, fucked-up internet is not working right now, and I can't use the e-mail. That's why we'll have to send it in the old-fashioned way. Give it to some fucking bird and send it to Suna."

Shizune rushed out of the room and came back in a minute. "Tsunade-sama! It seems a lot of people have problems with the internet right now, and all the birds are already taken. All I could find was a lame old pigeon."

"I don't give a damn! Send the fucking pigeon!"

Tsunade thought that this matter was settled, and she took a bottle of sake out of a drawer in her desk, but in a few minutes Shizune came back again. She was pale, and she was holding a paper in her trembling hand. She tried to say something, but stuttered.

"What is it, Shizune, what's that?" Tsunade pulled the paper from her hand and looked at it, then she yelled angrily "This is the letter to Suna! Why didn't you send it?"

"I… I… sent it… "

"What are you talking about, it's here!"

Shizune's face turned completely white. "I… I'm sorry… I must have made a mistake… Apparently I sent to Suna the shopping list instead of the letter… and the pigeon is already on its way to Suna…"

Tsunade almost hit her head in the desk.

"You did what? You idiot! What are we gonna do now? They might think that we're mocking at them. This might end up in a terrible conflict. Holy shit! The damn pigeon must not deliver the letter… er, the shopping list. Shizune! Find Kakashi and some jonin and bring them here!"

******

Shizune was blushing heavily while Tsunade was explaining the problem. Kakashi nodded. "I see. The situation is very serious. This is a tough mission, but we'll make sure that the pigeon will not get to Suna." He and the jonin left the office, and Tsunade poured herself some more sake and sighed.

Kakashi explained the plan to the jonin, then he thought for a minute and said. "This is a very difficult mission, I think we might need the help of an expert."He made a summoning jutsu, and his little dog Pakkun appeared. Kakashi gave him an angry glare and yelled "No! Not you, idiot!"He made the summoning jutsu again, and this time another dog appeared. It was larger and it was laughing with a low hoarse voice.

Kakashi pointed at the dog and yelled "Muttley! Stop that pigeon now!" He hesitated for a moment. "You might get a medal for this."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." The dog seemed eager. Kakashi looked at the others and yelled "To the planes!" (WTF? Since when they have planes? All right, just for this chapter.)

Soon they realized that they had underestimated the pigeon. They were failing miserably.

"Muttley! Do something!" Kakashi yelled, but it was too late. The pigeon flew away. The shopping list was delivered instead of the letter, and Muttley got no medals.

**to be continued**

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's comments.**

Um yeah, another lame reference. I couldn't help it. When they use birds to send messages in the anime, I can't help but think of Muttley failing to stop the pigeon in that old show on cartoon network.

Besides, I needed someone to fail the mission, the shopping list must be delivered to Suna, it's for plot purposes.

Itachi: Ahahaha, "plot" she says! Ahahaha.

Me: Shut up, Ita-chan, I know it's not much of a plot. Whatever. You people know that in the previous chapter Ita-chan had a severe fit of weasel-panic, and he's still a little shattered. That's why I'll be merciful, and I won't make him say the disclaimer this time, I'll say it. Characters belong to Kishi, Muttley is not mine too. But I would like to ask Ita-chan something. Ita-chan, my dear, do you really hate weasels so much?

Itachi: I hate everything that is related to "I am Weasel", but I don't hate weasels in general. I even have a weasel.

Me: Really? I wanna see it! *Itachi makes a summoning jutsu and a small weasel appears.* Hm, Ita-chan, I expected something like Naruto's giant frog, or Orochimaru's snake, and this here is just a small funny thing. What are its special abilities?

Itachi: Well… it's little, and cute, and… fluffy!

Me: Er… Ita-chan, this won't help you in battle. I don't get it, what you use that weasel for?

Itachi: *blushing heavily* Um… well… I cuddle with it when I'm lonely…

Me: ………


	10. Chapter 10

**Horny idiots ch.10**

Warning: Totally retarded!

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"There." Deidara gave the final touch to whatever he was doing to his face, then he quietly returned to the bed, careful not to wake up the others. Now he could rest a little more, waiting for what he just did to take effect, and then he would continue all the procedures that the maintenance of his stunning beauty required.

The first rays of the sun entered the room and blinded a sleepy Sasuke. Not fully awake, he blinked a few times and slid his gaze along the forms of the other three. Itachi and Naruto were quietly sleeping (Naruto not so quietly in fact), and next to them…

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! OMG!" What Sasuke saw made him jump to the ceiling and out of the bed. He made a few steps back, stumbled over a chair and fell on the floor. "Monster!"

"Sasuke, what the hell?" Itachi started waking up, curious what on earth could make Sasuke yell like that. Usually the one who was giving him headaches was Naruto, but this time it was Sasuke who was making funny and unnecessary noises too early in the morning.

Naruto woke up too, he looked cluelessly at Itachi and Sasuke, then he turned his gaze to the other side and yelped.

"Ita-chaaaan. Is it always so noisy here?" Deidara muttered, the three of them were staring at him.

"Itachi! What the hell is that?" Sasuke pointed at Deidara while Naruto was giggling uncontrollably.

"I don't understand what's all that noise about, un!" Deidara was peacefully lying on the bed, his hair was wrapped in a pink towel, some suspiciously looking green substance was spread all over his face, and he had two slices of cucumber placed over his eyelids.

Itachi sighed. "It's all right, Sasuke. It's just Dei-chan taking care for his beauty. He insists on using Zetsu's secret recipe for home-made cosmetic, prepared from some shit that grows in Zetsu's garden. Now, Dei-chan, just don't tell me you're gonna grow these stupid things in my garden."

Sasuke gave them a skeptical look. "Well, it's ridiculous!"

Itachi sighed again. "Sasu, trust me, there are much worse things I've seen when I was living with Akatsuki. I know Dei-chan looks stupid with his weird cosmetic ideas, but you should see what Kisame looks like when doing the same things." Itachi shuddered. "That weird green stuff rubbed on his freaky blue face… We were cursed the day he decided to follow Dei's advice in a desperate attempt to make himself prettier. It didn't work anyway, but he insisted… So you have no idea what I've been through while being his partner."

"Shut up, Ita-chan, it's a natural product and it's good for the skin, un!"

"You look much better when you have something else splattered on your face, Deidara. It's natural and maybe it's good for the skin too."

"Moron!"

When everything was calm again, Sasuke, Naruto and Deidara tried to get some more sleep, and Itachi sneaked into the kitchen with a weird enthusiastic expression on his face. "Let me see… Now I must remember everything that Neji told me… Well… flour, sugar, butter…" He looked at what was written on the small piece of paper in his hand. "Er… 6 tablespoons of…"

The other three were sleeping and everything was calm and peaceful again… or so they thought. A loud bang made them jump out of the bed. It was an explosion. They ran to the kitchen and found Itachi in the middle of a huge mess.

"Ita-chan! What was that, un? I'm the one who blows up things, you know. Stick to your own damn jutsu and leave mine to me, you can't be oh so cool in everything, explosions are my thing, un. Besides, this one was totally lame, I can say as an expert."

Itachi was covered all over in flour and other cooking ingredients, and on top of that all kinds of things were scattered all over the kitchen due to the explosion. He smiled guiltily. "Do you remember that apple pie I told you about? The one I ate when I was at the Hyuga house."

Sasuke glared at him. "You ate Neji when you were there, as far as I remember."

Itachi nodded with excitement. "Yeah, yeah, that too, but I also ate some awesome apple pie Neji had made. And I asked him to give me the recipe… But I was too impatient to wait for the pie to bake, so I thought I could help it a little with goukakyuu no jutsu… (you know, the fire thingie)

Sasuke shook his head. "Idiot! That's it! First Deidara is making a salad on his face, and now you're trying to blow up the house. I had enough idiocy for today. I'm going out for a walk."

(meanwhile in Shino's house)

"These jerks!" Shino was walking back and forth, talking to himself. "They corrupted even the hokage!" He shuddered at the memory of what he had seen the last time he was at the hokage's office in one of his desperate attempts to persuade her that letting the Uchihas stay in Konoha again wasn't a good idea.

"They're a threat to the morality of the village! With their indecent manners and unforgivable behaviour! They're evil! Damn Uchihas. And to bring here that blond whore from Akatsuki… Evil! I bet they're plotting something against Konoha, what if they're still on the enemy's side? The hokage refuses to punish them for the sickness of all their actions, but if I can prove that they're also involved in some conspiracy against the village, I might be able to make the hokage finally do something. People like them give bad example and should be punished! And that stupid Naruto lives with them, the Uchiha bastards and that Akatsuki whore, all of them in one house, doing these perverted things… Damn sickos. I'll deal with them all!"

He stopped walking in a circle and stood proudly in the middle of the room. Then he angrily waved his arm in the air and yelled "Today I finally got that pervert Sai suspended from DA for his damn ItaSasu yaoi pics. Oh how it brightened my day! Fighting against perverts and bringing more justice into the world feels so good! And now, Uchihas, you're the next on my list. I'll get you banned from Konoha!"

At that moment he looked through the window and saw Sasuke walking on the street.

"Oh, that bastard. I'll show them. I'll spy on them, trace all their moves, and when they screw up I'll be there to catch them! Hm. Now I wonder where he's going, I must follow him. But he must not see me. Muahaha, I'm ready for this, I have a perfect disguise! Here we go!"

Shino rushed to his closet and took out a dress and a blond wig. He briefly applied some red lipstick on his lips for even more realistic effect.

"Ha! No one will recognize me like this!"

He ran out of his house, staggering and stumbling, because he wasn't used to wearing high heels. Then he quietly followed Sasuke, pretending that he was just one of the girls on the street. Everyone was staring at him, because the high heels made him walk in a very awkward manner, and maybe because of his suspiciously hairy legs too.

Shino was following Sasuke wherever he went, but nothing interesting happened. (Well, if we don't count Jirayia pinching Shino's ass when passing by him on the street, which made Shino blush like crazy. And then Jirayia was just about to start flirting with him, when he noticed the hairy legs and ran away muttering "I'm scared for life!")

Finaly Sasuke went back to his home, and Shino followed him there.

Sasuke entered in the living room and found there a sulking Naruto.

"Where's Itachi?"

Naruto frowned even more and hissed through his gritted teeth. "In the bedroom. Neji came here some time ago, and now he, Itachi-san, and Deidara have isolated themselves in there, and they're having some weird girlish party."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "You mean party with girls? They have some girls in the bedroom right now?"

"No, Sasu, you moron. I said girlish party. And they don't even let me in the room. I tried to go in there and stay with them, but Itachi-san pushed me out of the room and said that it was for guys with long hair only."

"That's ridiculous!" Sasuke barged in the bedroom to see what was going on. He found the three of them sitting on the huge bed, some shiny magazines were scattered all over the place. He took one of them thinking it was porn, but when he looked at it he lifted his brow in bewilderment.

"Cosmopolitan?" Then he looked at the three boys. Neji was sitting in the middle of the bed, Itachi was behind him, combing his long brown hair, and Deidara was sitting in front of him, holding his hand and painting his nails black. Itachi and Deidara had kept the habit of painting their nails, even though they were not in Akatsuki any more, and Neji had liked the idea.

Then Naruto stormed through the door and bumped into Sasuke, the two of them fell on the bed over the other three.

At that moment Shino peeped through the window and yelped, widening his eyes in horror. "What the hell are they doing? All of them in the bed together, lying one over the other, OMG, this so gross and wrong, ewwww, my eyes burn!"

And right then Shino felt two hands grip his ass firmly. He turned around in horror and stuttered "E-Ebisu sensei?"

It was Ebisu's turn to be surprised when he heard Shino's voice. He had just thought he might have his chance with a pretty lady.

"Aburame? Ahahaha, Shino, I didn't know you were such a little perv. So you like to wear feminine clothes, eh? And what the hell were you planning here? Touching yourself while watching the Uchihas?"

"No! Ebisu sensei, I can explain!"

"Ahahaha. I thought it was some girl, and it turned out to be you. Well, that explains the hairy legs."

"Hey, Ebisu, what the hell are you doing there? We'll be late for the meeting!" It was Kakashi.

Ebisu smiled, and patted Shino's shoulder. "Ehehe, Kakashi, see what we have here. The Aburame kid turned out to be one of us. Such a dirty little bastard. Let's invite him to join our club. Come on, Shino, that's where we're going right now."

"W-What club?"

Kakashi and Ebisu looked at each other proudly and yelled at the same time "The A.N.B.U. club!"

Shino was bewildered. "ANBU black ops?"

They laughed. "No, you idiot. A.N.B.U. means anal, nudity, bondage, underage. The name of the club represents the kind of things we like. It's the club of the perverted people in Konoha!"

Shino grunted. "I bet that idiot Sai is in that club too."

"No, Sai is in R.O.O.T. You know, that's Danzo's club. Nice club really, R.O.O.T. – rear opening offensively touched."

"Oh god, I don't wanna hear any more!"

They sighed and went away, and Shino continued hiding in the bushes around the Uchiha house.

"I must keep them under surveillance. Now let's install some things here." He carefully sneaked in the house, walking on tiptoes, and started installing. He had to go to the bedroom too, but they were there right now. And judging from the sounds, they were busy. Maybe too busy even to notice him. He had to sneak in there somehow.

He finished his work in the living-room, quietly humming the theme from "Mission impossible", and then he tiptoed to the bedroom. The door was slightly open. There was some loud chaotic activity on the bed, and no one noticed Shino who was crawling on the floor not daring to look at what they were doing. He somehow managed to sneak under the bed. Then he was terrified by the sounds he heard.

All of them were panting heavily.

"Let me go!" Sasuke yelled.

"Deidara, not so rough, be careful not to tear this. Neji, hold Sasuke still." Itachi commanded.

"What the hell are you staring at, Naruto, help me, I can't handle the three of them all alone!" Sasuke yelled again.

Naruto just grunted. "It's your fault, Sasuke, you started the whole thing in the first place, you and your damn teasing."

In fact everything had started when Sasuke had taken one of the magazines that were on the bed and had started reading and looking at the pics, and commenting with a mocking voice. "Itachi, your hair will look awesome like that", and "Itachi, you'll look great in that dress", "Haha, Deidara, this lipstick will match perfectly your blond hair", "Hey, guys, why don't you try pink nail-polish?", and "Ow, this here is really interesting, '10 ways to make you hair glamorous', now that kind of information is extremely important for a ninja, indeed. Thank god you guys are aware of this. And what about all the poor people who have no idea how to make their hair oh so awfully glamorous? Tch, the poor losers."

As a result of this, Deidara tried to pull the magazine out of his hands, but Sasuke wasn't letting go, and all of them got involved in some wild struggle.

"Itachi! Get your hands away from me, oh god, it hurts, noo, please!"

Shino pressed his hands to his ears, grateful that he couldn't see this scene, judging from the sounds he thought that something very wrong and dirty was going on.

"Itachi, no, not so hard, aaaah."

Itachi was fiercely twisting Sasuke's arm behind his back while Neji and Deidara managed to get the magazine out of the clutched fingers of his other hand.

"Naruto! Why didn't you help me, you idiot!"

Itachi laughed. "He always prefers just to watch when things get too brutal."

'They're sick!' Shino thought. 'Sick bastards!' When he finished installing his stuff under the bed, he quietly crawled out of the room while they were still too busy quarrelling. He rushed through the house, trying to leave as fast as possible, but the high heels were killing him, and he was stumbling and bumping into various things. He knocked something off a table and picked it up to put it back to place. It was long, red, and ribbed. He was just wondering what it was, when he accidentally pressed something on it, and it started vibrating. "OMG!!!" he yelped and stumbled again, landing in the basket with the laundry, burying himself in the heap of dirty underwear.

"What the hell was that noise? Now don't tell me that there's another fangirl attack of the house." Itachi was getting mad. All of them went to see who was the intruder. They found Shino, dressed like a woman, still holding a certain vibrating object in his hand, and there was a pair of Itachi's boxers on his head.

"That's it!" Itachi yelled. "Who the hell are you, bitch? And why the hell are you sniffing my underwear?!"

"Wait a minute, nii-san, I know her! She's that damn fangirl who was secretly following me all day. These girls are crazy. I expected her to run to me and start squealing, but she kept lurking all the time. Jeez, now they have some complicated strategies."

Itachi was furious. "That's too much! They're harassing us! We'll report her to the hokage! Wait a minute… This face looks strangely familiar… This is… OMG!"

Some time later, in Tsunade's office Shizune was desperately trying not to giggle. Tsunade was at her desk, reading a list of accusations. In front of her was standing a hand-cuffed Shino, guarded by Izumo and Kotetsu. He was still wearing his 'disguise' outfit, desperately trying to balance on the high heels.

Tsunade cleared her throat. "Aburame! There is a complaint about you harassing people, and you were caught entering in private property without permission. And… about the condition you were in, and the things you were doing when you were caught… I never expected anything like this from you! Just look at this! Voyeurism, transvestism, fetishism… I can't believe it. In fact, what the hell were you doing there? Can you provide any proper explanation for your actions?"

Shino stuttered. "I… I was defending the morality of the village!"

"Oh, really?" Tsunade lifted her brow, Izumo and Kotetsu muffled a giggle, and Shizune burst out in wild laughter.

And now, back to the Uchiha house.

Itachi and Neji were in the kitchen.

"All right, Itachi, now listen carefully, and observe what I'm doing, so that you don't end up blowing up the kitchen again the next time you're trying to make my special apple pie. I'll introduce to you the mysteries of the cooking ninjutsu. Now, it's very important to infuse your chakra in the dough in the right way, this requires excellent chakra control."

Itachi was taking notes. Neji looked at the way he was writing down everything and sighed. "Jeez, you're like Rock Lee."

Itachi's brow twitched, but he said nothing. Neji went on.

"When it's time to bake the pie, it's very important how long you bake it. The recipe says 50-60 minutes. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. There's a specific moment when the pie is ready, and when this moment comes, you shouldn't bake it even a second longer. That's the secret of the unique taste of my pie. No recipe can tell you when that moment is. A true ninja must have the skills to tell when that moment comes. Considering this matter, Itachi, you and I are lucky. We are privileged, because of our kekkai genkai. When I look at the pie with my byakugan, I can precisely determine is it baked enough or not. And you can use your sharingan. Now pass the tinfoil, please."

Itachi started to look all over the kitchen for it, rummaging all the drawers, when he suddenly found something suspicious. "What the hell?" He knew what that was. "That damn Aburame, he must have done it!" He quickly searched through the whole house and found many more. "That's it! Now I'll beat the crap out of him!" He ran out of the house.

Shino was at home, lying on his bed, hiding his head under the pillow in despair, when Itachi barged into the house.

"Shino, you idiot! Is that why you came into my house? Get your stupid bugs out of there!"

Shino blinked. "All of my bugs are here with me, I don't know what you're talking about!"

"The other bugs, Shino! The stupid microphones you placed all over my house! I'll beat the crap out of you, fucking bastard!"

Itachi was getting closer and closer to him, and poor Shino started shaking with fear.

"Or maybe you need another kind of punishment." Itachi reached for the zipper of his pants.

"No!" Shino was ready even to fall on his knees and beg for mercy if this could save him, but he got a better idea. He remembered the rumors about Itachi's 'weasel problem'. He grabbed his "I am Weasel" plushie and stretched his arm forward, waving it in front of Itachi's face the way he had seen people hold crosses in front of vampires in the movies. "Stay back! You wicked creation of the devil! Keep your sinful hands away from me!"

"Aaaaaaaa!" Itachi squirmed and made a few steps back, his face twitched in a grimace of extreme terror. "Just not that!" He ran out of the house as fast as he could.

Some time later, in the living-room of the Uchiha house everyone were gathered around Itachi, concern and suppressed laughter could be read in their eyes. Naruto was trying not to giggle, but he was failing miserably. The whole thing was disturbing, but it was damn funny too. Deidara stared at Itachi in disbelief. Sasuke was glaring at Deidara accusingly.

"This, Deidara, is nii-san's fit of weasel panic."

Itachi was curled up on the couch, rocking back and forth, muttering "Weasels, weasels, weasels…"

Deidara gave him a pitiful look. "I had no idea that what we did with him in Akatsuki had such aftereffects."

Naruto scratched his head. "Um, Sasuke, what helps him when he has a fit of weasel panic?"

(in Shino's house)

The doorbell rang, and Shino opened the door. It was Kakashi, holding a pile of books.

"Hehe, Shino, since you seem to be interested in dirty stuff, I brought for you the best of Icha Icha." He just dropped the books on a table and left, shaking with quiet evil laughter.

Shino was just about to close the door, when a very concerned Kurenai appeared, followed by Kiba and Hinata.

"Shino" Kurenai said, "We heard about what happened, thank god the hokage was merciful and didn't give you a too severe punishment. Are you all right? We had no idea that you were interested in the Uchihas in such a weird way."

"Oh, no no no, that was a total misunderstanding!" Shino tried to assure them. "I have nothing to do with any indecent matters, I'm not that kind of person!"

"Yeah, riiight." Kiba mocked at him. "Then why you have a whole pile of Icha Icha books? Besides, Kakashi and Ebisu are telling everyone that you're the newest member of their weird club."

Shino hit his head in the wall.

**to be continued**

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's comments**

OMG, unbelievable! This is the first chapter in the history of "Horny idiots" without dirty detailed smut. I hate myself. Sorry, but I wanted at least one chapter that might stay in DA a bit longer. Though, experience shows that there anything, practically anything, can be deleted with or without reason.

For DA people I should say that if in this chapter Shino in any way reminds you of something… it's purely coincidental!

And now, let's see if this time I'll finally have some luck with Ita-chan saying the disclaimer properly. Ita-chan, my dear, please say the…

Itachi: Hell no! I'm not saying anything! No porn in this chapter? Are you crazy? I'm leaving! Don't even try to talk to me, until you write some good smut!

Me: Awww, Ita-chaan, you're so mean. All right, will anyone else say the…

All the characters: No disclaimer for you! No one will say it for you, we're on strike! We want more smut!

Kakuzu: *appears out of nowhere with a greedy smile* I'll say whatever you want, if I get paid for it.

All the characters: You damn strike-breaker! *beat the crap out of Kakuzu*

Me: All right, all right, this is just for this chapter, in the next chapters you'll get a lot of smut, too bad they might not be posted on DA. (blame the reporting mafia)

Eh. Kishi owns the characters. Bleh, I hate saying the disclaimer by myself.


	11. Chapter 11

**Horny idiots ch.11**

warning: yaoi and Sasuke's evilness

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

It took them some time to find and remove all the microphones that were placed all over their house. On top of that, Itachi couldn't help them, because of his pitiful condition. He was more troublesome than helpful.

Finally Sasuke had brought Itachi to the bedroom, hoping that if he stayed there alone for a while, he might calm down and stop saying "weasels".

But time passed and Itachi didn't seem to feel better. Sasuke, Deidara and Naruto were sitting in the living-room, wondering what to do.

Deidara was shaking his head in confusion. "And we thought that Tobi was the most insane idiot in Akatsuki. But Ita-chan's weasel panic… What's that, some weasel schizophrenia?"

Sasuke glared at him angrily. Then he noticed Naruto who was rolling on the floor, squirming with laughter. He kicked him and yelled "It's not funny! It's a weird kind of posttraumatic stress disorder. Anything that reminds him of his traumatic experiences makes him go wild. That damn Shino! Who knows what he has done to him! Nii-san was all right before he ran to Shino's house to get revenge for all the microphones Shino placed here. And he came back like this! He must have seen something creepy and weaselish there."

Deidara smirked "Shino wearing that dress and the blond wig was creepy enough. And I can't get it why Ita-chan hated watching "I am Weasel" so much. You should have seen what a nice costume we had made for him while he was still with us, and we had Baboon costume for Tobi. Pein-sama even promised that if we behave ourselves, he might take us to a con. But Ita-chan ruined everything when he refused to cosplay and escaped."

Naruto was still giggling. "I am Weasel is my favourite show! It's great!"

Deidara's eyes lit up. "Really? It's my favourite too! We'll watch it together!"

Sasuke was shaking with anger and disbelief. "You two amaze me! Honestly, Naruto, I thought there's no one more stupid than you, but Deidara just made me reconsider this statement. Are you totally demented? No watching "I am Weasel" in this house any more!"

He looked at them, then he sighed, buried his face in his palms, and quietly muttered "Oh god!".

Naruto was giving him the "I don't get it, I have no clue, I don't give a damn" look, and Deidara was smiling cutely, making sweet faces and puppy eyes.

"So, Sasu, what are we gonna do now?" Naruto scratched his head.

"Oh well, the last time this happened, nii-san got better right after he fucked Kotetsu. So I guess that if he fucks someone, he'll be back to normal faster. It seems to calm him down somehow. Now leave this to me, I'll take care of him."

Sasuke gave them the "You're such losers!" glare, and left the room.

When he entered the bedroom, he found Itachi curled up in the bed, hugging the pillow and quietly muttering something about weasels.

Sasuke took off his clothes and climbed on the bed, planning to offer his ass in the most seductive way, but then he just sat next to Itachi and thought for a moment. In this condition Itachi looked so pitiful and helpless… That thought was intriguing.

A mischievous smirk curved the corner of Sasuke's lips. Abusing a miserable whining Itachi… Taking advantage of his temporary weakness… He remembered the only time he had the chance to take Itachi some time ago in the hokage's office. It had felt so good. Ever since that moment Itachi made sure Sasuke kept his hands away from his ass. But now…

Sasuke leaned forward and softly whispered in Itachi's ear "Weasels…"

Itachi jumped, screamed "Where? Oh noes!", and buried his head under the pillow.

This was going to be amusing. So amusing.

Sasuke gently removed the pillow from Itachi's clutched fingers and took him in a hug. "Shhh, it's all right, nii-san."

Itahci grasped his shoulders. "Sasuke! The weas-" he couldn't say the rest, soft lips muffled his words. Sasuke felt him relax in his arms, and deepened the kiss. Itachi was so lost in the soothing sensation, that he didn't feel disturbed by the persistent hand that slipped in his pants and gripped his ass. And the finger moving in naughty circles on the puckered skin of his hole.

Sasuke broke the kiss and started undressing him.

Meanwhile, in the living-room Deidara and Naruto were busy reproducing their favourite episode, and both of them were getting carried away and too loud. And when Naruto yelled "I am Weasel", it could be heard in the whole house.

In the bedroom Itachi yelped at that sound, looked sheepishly around, and pressed himself closer to Sasuke.

Sasuke couldn't hold a smile. A naked, scared Itachi, clinging to him so desperately… It was so cute! Sasuke pushed him to lie on the mattress and crawled over him. Apparently Itachi was too out of his mind to question his actions, and Sasuke felt free to do whatever he wanted. He took Itachi's lips in a fiery kiss, it felt good to be the more dominant one for a change. Then he slid his hands all over his body, feeling the softness of the skin and the hard muscles beneath it. So far he had never had the chance to take his time admiring his brother's beauty, to touch and kiss everywhere he wanted, as long as he wanted. Every time they were in bed, Itachi was grabbing him, doing hot things to him, making him suck his dick, and then banging him. Sasuke and Naruto, and now Deidara too, were always his sex toys, inferior to his evilness, the three of them submitting to him.

But now he was sprawled in the bed before Sasuke, obedient and quiet. Sasuke felt like a kid who finally managed to get some forbidden toy, and have it all for himself. He covered Itachi's body with slow long licks. Gorgeous. His brother was absolutely gorgeous. More licks. Delicious. For a moment he wondered if he should share this experience with Naruto and Deidara, but then he selfishly chased that though away and continued to marvel at his treasure. So soft. His tongue was making swirls all over Itachi's chest, finally reaching the hardened nipples. So round and smooth between his lips. He ran the flat of his tongue over one of them, and Itachi arched into the touch, then he tickled it with the tip of his tongue, then wrapped his lips around it again.

Sasuke played like that for a while, then he slowly descended to the lower part of Itachi's body, where something hard and throbbing awaited him. His tongue traveled along the sides, the tip, the base, the balls, back to the tip, he sucked the head for a while, smiling at the way Itachi tried to buck his hips and thrust into his mouth. This was pleasurable, hot, and delicious, but right now there was something more interesting that Sasuke wanted to taste.

He pulled away and gently spread Itachi's legs. Then he ran a wet finger across the exposed hole and rubbed it until Itachi shivered and muttered his name. Sasuke chuckled quietly and licked his lips in excitement. Then he slowly turned Itachi over and made him kneel in the bed with his ass up in the air. It was now or never, and Sasuke hoped that Itachi won't suddenly realize that what was going on was something he usually wouldn't allow. But Itachi seemed to be melting in the pleasurable sensations, not caring what exactly was being done to him, as long as it felt good and made the thoughts about weasels go far, far away.

Sasuke slid eager palms up and down his thighs, then squeezed the soft butt cheeks, spread them open and ran his tongue between them. Itachi moaned and slightly bucked his hips into the touch. Sasuke made long slow licks along his crack, then he finally plunged his tongue in the hole, moving it in and out. When he got enough of that, he slipped a wet finger inside, admiring the view of Itachi's ass taking it. He started moving it, slowly at first, then faster.

Itachi seemed to really enjoy this. Sasuke could tell by the way he was moaning and rocking his hips to get more of the finger inside. A second finger made him moan even louder.

Sasuke pulled his fingers out, gasped, and then took a deep breath. This was more than amusing. It was epic fun. He was almost getting a nosebleed.

A disapproving moan reminded him that a certain someone felt empty and apparently wanted to be filled again. Sasuke just couldn't believe his luck. Itachi moaned again and wiggled his ass, trying to get Sasuke's attention. That looked too good, it was just too good. A naked, bent over, and moaning Itachi, wiggling his ass like that. Sasuke wished he had a camera. He shoved his fingers back into Itachi and moved them for a while, then he smirked evilly, took them out and waited. He wanted to see that movement again. And he got it. Itachi whined again and wiggled his ass, spreading his legs a bit wider.

That was too much for Sasuke and he grabbed the oil to slick himself, his hands slightly shaking with impatience. Then he slowly slid into Itachi. He stayed like that for a moment, throwing his head back and closing his eyes, then he gripped Itachi's ass firmly and started thrusting. He fixed his gaze on his dick, sliding in and out, then he squeezed the round cheeks and slapped them a few times.

"Touch yourself, Itachi."

His brother moaned and started bucking his hips to meet him, wrapping his fingers around his own cock.

'I wonder what his face looks like right now.' Sasuke started gently maneuvering him so that they were facing the huge mirror that was deliberately placed in the bedroom. But Itachi had his face pressed to the mattress, and nothing could be seen. Sasuke pounded him harder, and when Itachi started writhing and screaming, Sasuke gripped his hair and pulled his head up to see his face reflected in the mirror. Glazed eyes, sweet pink blush, parted lips, incredibly cute ukeish expression, and some insatiable lust.

Sasuke was so amazed, that he stopped thrusting for a moment. 'Is this my brother? Who is that greedy whore in the mirror?' Then he saw his own ridiculously surprised face and almost laughed.

"Mmmmm" Itachi bucked his hips to make him start moving again. Sasuke slid in and out slowly a few times, until he heard another disapproving moan. He made another slow movement. "Say it, Itachi."

"Mmmh, Sasuke, harder!"

"Like this?" A rough slam.

"Aaaaaah, like this, Sasukeeeeee…"

He started thrusting hard, admiring Itachi's lustful expression and his wild screams. Then he suddenly realized that if Itachi looked in the mirror and saw his own face, the shock would ruin everything, so he briefly pressed Itachi's head to the mattress and continued pounding.

"Mmmh, harder, Sasuke, harder, ooooooh…"

In the living room Deidara had put on a white shirt and Naruto was writing "I R Baboon" on it with ketchup, when they heard the wild screaming coming from the bedroom.

Naruto lifted his brow. "Was that Itachi-san screaming 'Sasuke harder!', or I'm hearing things?"

"Impossible!" Deidara's eyes widened. The two of them rushed to the bedroom.

Sasuke was pounding Itachi like mad when he noticed stunned Naruto and Deidara standing at the door, their eyes so widened that they were just about to jump out of the sockets. He made a silent gesture to make them keep quiet, then his lips moved without sound and they could read that he was saying "Now watch this!"

Sasuke slowed down, then he slid out of Itachi.

"Mmmm, Sasukeeeeee" Itachi arched his back and wiggled his ass, it was the same funny movement. Deidara pressed his hand to his mouth to muffle a giggle, and Naruto grasped Deidara's shoulder for support and leaned on him, almost falling on the floor, writhing in wild silent laughter.

Sasuke slid back into Itachi and started slamming, and when he felt Itachi's insides gripping him tight and Itachi yelling like mad, writhing and coming, he grasped his hair again and lifted his head up. "Look, nii-san."

The view in the mirror was impressive. At first Itachi couldn't even recognize his own face, then the realization hit him, but it was too late. At that moment Sasuke pulled his hair to turn his face to the side, and Itachi met Deidara and Naruto's amazed faces. Naruto was shaking in incontrollable laughter, Deidara was pressing his hand to his own mouth to muffle a moan, actually kissing himself, since the palm tongue couldn't resist the urge to slip through his lips.

Then Sasuke turned Itachi's face back to the mirror and came right away at the sight of the remains of Itachi's lustful expression mixed with pure horror.

Poor Itachi was too shocked even to notice the letters on Deidara's shirt saying "I R Baboon".

******

In two hours Sasuke, Naruto and Deidara were standing in front of the bathroom's door, shifting in discomfort and making pitiful grimaces.

"Come on, nii-san, get out of there already, you can't hide from us forever! We won't laugh, we promise. And couldn't you hide in the closet or something? We need to use the bathroom."

Naruto was walking back and forth restlessly. "Awww, why oh why I had to drink all that water, damn it!"

Finally the door opened and Itachi's bright red face showed up. "If you tell anyone, you're dead!"

"Yeah, right, nii-san, now just get out of here."

Itachi sneaked out of the bathroom and disappeared somewhere in the other rooms. Naruto and Deidara were just about to burst out in loud laughter, but Sasuke glared at them. "Don't you dare! Stay quiet and pretend that nothing happened. We don't want nii-san to freak out completely, he's already crazy enough."

"Says the moron who slammed his ass and didn't invite us to join the fun, un!"

"Oh, shut up!"

******

On the next morning Itachi, Sasuke, and Naruto were having breakfast, pretending that everything was just as usual. In the bedroom Deidara was in front of the mirror, adjusting his hair. He was trying to do the best to make himself attractive, planning to get more of Itachi's attention, since his precious Ita-chan was too occupied with his little brother lately.

Itachi was staring at his plate absent-mindedly, Sasuke was trying to suppress a smirk, and Naruto was shoving ramen in his mouth like mad. Deidara appeared at the door of the kitchen naked, and slowly walked to the fridge, swaying his hips. He turned his back on them, opened the fridge and took an apple. Then he deliberately dropped it on the floor as if it was an accident. "Ooops." He slowly turned his head to look over his shoulder, and to give the other three boys a cute smile and a wink. Then he gracefully bent down to take the apple, giving them a nice view of his ass.

Itachi froze, holding his fork in the air. Sasuke was drinking water, forgetting to remove the glass from his mouth after he took a gulp, the water running down his chin, his eyes fixed on Deidara, Naruto was staring, half-chewed ramen falling out of his open mouth.

A few more seconds passed, and then Itachi silently got up and dragged Deidara to the bedroom, Sasuke ran after them. Naruto looked at the bedroom where they had just disappeared, then he looked at the ramen on the table. Then at the bedroom again. The ramen. The bedroom. The ramen. He whined miserably. "Ow, I hate it when it happens like this!" Then he finally found solution for his painful dilemma, grabbed the bowl of ramen and ran to the bedroom.

Itachi was already pounding Deidara hard, impatient Sasuke was shifting restlessly beside them, watching them with hungry eyes. Naruto sat next to Sasuke and enjoyed the show, munching his ramen. The moment Itachi came and pulled out of Deidara, Naruto briefly shoved into Sasuke's hands the bowl of ramen he was holding, and muttered "Dude, keep this safe." Then he took Itachi's place and slid into Deidara's hole, it felt so comfortable, already widened and slippery. As soon as he was done, he moved away from Deidara, grabbed his bowl from Sasuke and ran back to the kitchen.

In the bedroom there was an awkward silence for a minute. It was Sasuke's turn. From the four of them, only he and Deidara hadn't fucked yet. And each of them had his own idea of what their first time was supposed to be. Each one's idea including the other one being uke.

Deidra was sitting in the bed, watching silently the two Uchiha brothers. Itachi was giving him the "What the hell are you waiting for?" look, and Sasuke's gaze was traveling along the curves of his ass.

Finally Sasuke moved closer to Deidara with determination, and grabbed his ass firmly. Deidara glared at him with slightly narrowed eyes. For a few more seconds they stared at each other, the tension building up.

"Bend over, Dei." Itachi's voice cut the silence.

Deidara's eyes widened for a moment, then he grunted something incoherent and slowly turned around, leaned on his arms, and lifted his ass high in the air. Sasuke looked at Itachi, and Itachi nodded.

Sasuke waited a few more seconds, then he carefully placed his hands on the smooth cheeks of Deidara's ass. It was a perfect ass, indeed, Sasuke had to admit. He rubbed it, then his fingers slipped inside. He was thrusting intensely, but Deidara remained silent, he was just slightly panting.

Sasuke grunted with irritation. 'Now I'll show him' he thought. He placed the tip of his cock at Deidara's entrance, and slammed all of it in with one hard thrust. Deidara whimpered and bit his lip. Sasuke gave him a few more hard thrusts, and Deidara wanted to scream, but he bit his lip more fiercely, and all that was heard was a quiet "Mmmm".

Itachi watched them amused. He wasn't sure what game they were playing, but this was not Deidara's usual reaction to a hard cock in the ass.

From the moment he arrived at the Uchiha house, it was obvious for Deidara that there was something very special between Itachi and his little brother. Deidara wasn't sure if that thing was threatening for him, and maybe it wasn't, since Itachi didn't push him away, but accepted him, and demonstrated clearly enough that he wanted him and still cared for him. Also, Itachi's brother was one hell of a fuckable little hottie, and a perfect uke, in Deidara's opinion.

Deidara didn't mind sharing Itachi with other people. Not at all. Living with two more boys was all right. He and the stupid blond had become friends quite easily. But Sasuke was a different thing. That arrogant look of his…

Deidara turned his head to look over his shoulder as Sasuke was banging him, and his eyes met the same arrogant look. It sort of turned him on, and this was inevitable, considering what a little dirty whore Deidara was, but the blond did his best not to show his pleasure. If that damn little Uchiha thought that Deidara was going to writhe and scream for him like he did for Itachi, he was wrong. There was some tension between the two of them from the beginning, and now when things came to fucking, it was no exception.

'Now what the hell is he doing?' Deidara's thoughts raced through his head as he felt Sasuke's fingers wrapping tightly around his cock, stroking it in time with the thrusts.

"Nnnnhhh… ah… aaaah." It was getting difficult for him to hold it, his voice was betraying him, sweet moans escaping his lips. No one could resist an Uchiha cock after all. He turned around to look at Sasuke again, his face was blushing, his eyes slightly widened in helpless surrender, his fingers clutching the sheets as the thick cock was sliding pleasurably in and out of him.

At that moment Itachi felt too tempted to join the scene, he crawled under Deidara, removed Sasuke's hand from his cock and took it in his mouth. It was too much for Deidara, he writhed frantically, finally screaming loud as he came, then he just collapsed on the mattress panting, his palm tongues hanging from the mouths.

Itachi grabbed Sasuke and took his lips in an intense kiss, then he did the same with Deidara, and then he pushed them to each other, staring at them with anticipation. They hesitated for a while, then Sasuke finally grabbed a blond strand and pulled Deidara for a kiss. Diedara was just about to pull away and pout, but the softness and the sweetness of Sasuke's lips made him moan quietly and surrender to the kiss. But then he finally remembered that he was supposed to pretend he didn't like Sasuke that much, so he broke the kiss and ran out of the room, his face bright red.

"Hehehe" Itachi gave Sasuke a naughty smirk, filled with amusement. "I don't know what impression he was trying to create, but he liked the whole thing, the damn little slut, he liked it, no doubt. Hahaha, Sasuke, did you see his face when he came? Haha, priceless. Hehehe…"

Sasuke sighed, then he tried not to look too self-contented, and said "You know, nii-san…"

"Hehehe, what?"

"Nii-san, your face was the same when I slammed the daylights out of you. Not to mention the way you wiggled your ass…"

"Hehehe…hehe… he… er…… er? Damn! Shut up!"

******

In the hokage's office Tsunade was pale and trembling as she was reading some letter for the third time.

"Shi… Shizune… Sunagakure requests an urgent meeting with me! They don't say why, they just want me to go there immediately!"

Shizune's face turned purple and then white. "OMG! Tsunade-sama! Do you think this has anything to do with your shopping list that I accidentally sent to Suna instead of your letter? Do you think they are offended? I mean… that shopping list was so disturbing… all the vibrators, lingerie, leather costumes and other perverted items… Oh god, I hope they will understand that it was a mistake, and we didn't intend to make jokes, or mock at them, or anything.

Tsunade was shivering. "We'll pray Shizune, we'll pray. The last thing we need is a conflict with Suna. Though… I have a better idea. Screw the praying and bring the sake. First we'll calm down, and then we'll go to Suna immediately."

**to be continued**

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

**Author's comments**

Eeeh, niiice, isn't it? Some heavy smut again, after the pornless chapter 10. Ah, I feel better! I hope Ita-chan feels better too, and he'll be nice to me and ready to help me. Ita-chan, the disclaimer! *looks around* Ita-chan?

Naruto: *cough* Itachi-san is hiding in the bathroom, haha, you should see how bright red his face is. He said he's too ashamed and embarrassed, and he can't face the readers.

Me: Uh! How troublesome. What about Deidara?

Naruto: He's ashamed too, hiding and blushing somewhere.

Me: *eyes filled with hope* And Sasuke?

Naruto: Uh! He's too busy enjoying his reflection in the mirror, admiring his self-satisfied smirk, glaring boldly and yelling "I'm the best seme!"

Me: Damn! You wanna say the disclaimer? Come on, I'll give you a bowl of ramen.

Naruto: Three bowls!

Me: Grr, fine! Now say it.

Naruto: *scratches his head* So… what was that disclaimer thingie? I kinda forgot what that was…

Me: You idiot! The characters! Kishimoto!

Naruto: Aaa, right. Kishimoto belongs to the characters.

Me: No! You should say that the characters are not mine!

Naruto: Yeah, sure. You don't belong to the characters.

Me: Nooooo. It's wrong again!*hits her head in the wall*

Naruto: ??????........ Well… I got it! Kishimoto belongs to you!

Me: I wish!


	12. Chapter 12

**Horny idiots ch. 12**

warning: This time you get more straight dirty stuff. And some closet fun. More yaoi will come soon.

**… … …**

Shino was out on the street. It was crowded and it seemed everyone around was agitated and discussing something of great importance.

'Huh!' he thought. 'It must be new gossips about the Uchiha fucktards, the blond Akatsuki whore, and that foolish Uzumaki. Why do these stupid people get so easily excited about dirty matters like these?'

Shino intended to ignore all the whispers and shuffling around, but then someone next to him mentioned the hokage and he became all ears. Yet, he couldn't figure out what was going on, so he thought of asking someone. Right then Kiba approached him with a knowing smirk.

"I bet you haven't heard the news of the day. Man, it's gonna be the sensation of the year! No one ever tells you anything, huh? Actually, I'm not surprised."

"What news?" Shino seemed completely clueless, much to Kiba's amusement.

Kiba waved his arms in the air and exclaimed "The hokage is getting married! Our Tsunade suddenly fell madly in love. Everyone is surprised as hell, but it's true!"

Shino just grunted, making his usual disapproving grimace, and kept striding, Kiba walking somewhat jumpily by his side and grinning like an idiot.

"And who the hell is she getting married to? Not some of the scum she hangs out with, I hope. I mean, she's the hokage, after all! She needs a husband who is an important and respected man, someone with power and high status in society, someone on her level. Konoha does not need another disgrace. He must be someone respectable."

Kiba nodded excitedly. "Oh, he is, he is! He's a perfect match for her, his position in society is no lower than hers." Then he shut up, waiting for Shino to die from curiosity and to snap in his frustration. And Shino did.

"Fine! Who the hell is he?"

Kiba flashed a broad smile and proudly stated "The hokage is getting married to… the kazekage!"

"What?" Shino stumbled and nearly fell on the ground face first. "Kiba, are you crazy? This is not possible! Is she insane? The kazekage… that Gaara guy… he's just a little boy! And she… she's old! Man, she's so old she could be his mother!"

Kiba's smile grew wider. He slapped Shino's shoulder and yelled "Exactly! I think that's what attracted them to each other in the first place. Everyone knows that our hokage is crazy about cute little boys. And the rumors say that he calls her 'mommy' in bed."

Shino's face twitched. "So gross! Unbelievable!"

Kiba kept explaining in agitation, waving his arms and smirking.

"No one knows how this happened, but maybe it has something to do with that urgent trip to Suna. Anyway, Tsunade came back yesterday and the kazekage arrived with her, accompanied by his family. It seems they'll be staying in Konoha for a while. Man, I'm impatient to get more details. Everyone started talking about this the moment Shizune announced the good news. So far I've heard tons of speculations."

"I don't care! It's a shame!" Shino grunted, turned his back to Kiba and walked away.

"Huh!" Kiba muttered to himself, "That guy is so boring!"

His triumph of being the better informed (and apparently the more awesome) one was short lived, however. Even he didn't know all the details, so he had to continue his hunt for a source of inside information.

"Hey, Kiba!" A familiar voice called him when he passed by the place where he liked to hang out with his friends. Kiba hurried inside, only to see Shikamaru there, sitting at the bar that was currently crammed with people. The tightly packed crowd had gathered around the blond girl who sat there with her face slightly flushed and a bottle of beer in hand. She was telling a story, making agitated gestures and spilling some beer here and there. Everyone was listening in awe, eyes and ears widely open.

Shikamaru interrupted her and waved to Kiba.

"Just a sec, Temari, hey, Kiba, come and join us! Temari is telling everyone how the whole thing happened."

"Whoa, man! I was praying for this!" Kiba elbowed a few people to get to a seat and joined the crowd of curious listeners.

"So…" Temari went on. "As I already told you, it was just an ordinary day. Gaara was having an important meeting, Kankuro and I were guarding in front of the conference hall. Now imagine Kankuro snoring peacefully, I'm reading a yaoi manga, we're just fine and without a care in the world. And in the next moment this panicked moron is rushing to us, waving some damn wrinkled piece of paper and yelling 'A message! Important message from Konoha, from the hokage, must be delivered to the kazekage immediately!' The goddamn bastard is shrieking in that loud voice, scaring every living thing in a radius of a few miles."

Temari took a breath and looked around triumphantly, pleased to notice that the tension had risen dramatically.

"Both I and Kankuro jump in the air, totally surprised. We wonder couldn't they just use the e-mail, but there's no time for questions, so I grab the letter and we rush into the hall and interrupt the meeting. I shove the letter in Gaara's hand, saying "Message from hokage. Important!"

Temari made a mental flinch, remembering how in her rush she had nearly shoved the yaoi manga in Gaara's hands instead of the letter. Such details better remain untold. Besides, nothing could have surpassed the shocking effect of the letter anyway.

"So I give him the letter and for a minute he's reading, amazed expression on his face. His eyes widen, his jaw hangs lower and lower and he begins to shake slightly. Then it seems he's reading the letter for a second time, apparently unable to believe what's written, his hands shake more violently, his face turns bright red and he's trying to say something, but he stutters." Temari paused to take a gulp of beer.

"And we're worried as hell. We imagine something dreadful has happened, so we watch his every move carefully, trying to figure out what his emotions are. We make the conclusion that he's angry or something, but we're not sure and we freak out."

Everyone moved a bit closer to Temari, their faces tense.

"And then…" Temari took another gulp of beer. "Hic… Er, sorry. And then he drops the paper on the floor, his sand starts swirling around him, and we know that this usually happens when he's very excited or angry. His face is twitching, he's trembling, the sand is flowing everywhere around, and we think he's mad and his anger is getting out of control again. Kankuro and I nearly faint from all the tension. Then Gaara stretches his arms forward, his fingers twitching. Everyone starts yelling, we think he's gone mad and he's planning to use the sand coffin and kill us all in his rage. So Kankuro and I just cling to each other and shut our eyes, expecting death."

Temari made another pause and someone fell off his seat with a loud thud.

"Then we wait, but nothing happens. So I finally dare to open my eyes and I look at Gaara. And he's just standing there, the sand is calm, a streak of drool is running down his chin, his arms still stretched forward and his fingers twitching. And then it hits me. There are only two reasons for Gaara to move his fingers like this. When he does the sand coffin, and when he's thinking about boobies. And since there's no sand coffin in that moment, he must be thinking about boobies! Who could guess the little brat was not angry, just too excited. Everyone is completely confused."

Temari took a deep breath. Exclamations of surprise could be heard around, Kiba's eyes were almost falling from the sockets, Shikamaru was tense, his mind wildly estimating the facts.

"I'm still totally shattered, but Kankuro regains his self-control and picks up the letter. He starts reading and he blushes. 'Hm, it seems like some kind of shopping list', he says and starts reading aloud 'Red lacy bra… And there's a size written… OMG! What a size! Red leather… Jeez! And a black vibra-' I blush too and grab the list from his hands. I think this must be some sort of mistake. Besides, the whole advisory council is there, watching and listening! Gaara stands there transfixed and speechless, only his fingers twitch. Then he manages to mutter 'The hokage… a meeting… very important… invite her here… fucking now!' I doubt the importance of that meeting, but no one dares to question the kazekage's decisions."

Everyone could sense Temari was getting closer to the important part, so they leaned forward, faces tense with anticipation. She grabbed another bottle of beer and went on.

"So, the hokage arrives. The two of them meet in private. She's accompanied only by her assistant, and it's just Kankuro and I on the kazekage's side. I'm praying Gaara will behave appropriately. The hokage seems nervous as hell, apparently expecting some big shit to happen, her assistant and a damn pig are practically shivering next to her. The moment Gaara sees her, he runs to her and grabs her breasts. She yelps in surprise, staring at him with indecent interest, her assistant and the pig faint. Kankuro shakes his head in disbelief, and I want to sink in the ground. Yeah, that's Gaara for you."

People were blushing, staring intently at Temari. She could tell most of them were turned on. Kiba's tongue hung from his mouth, and Shikamaru contemplated the different variants of what could happen next in the story, hoping for the dirtiest one.

"I say that maybe we should leave them alone cause they might have some important political issues to discuss, so we grab the unconscious assistant and the pig and drag them out of the conference hall. Time passes and we start hearing disturbing noises. At first we think they're fighting, but then we hear moans and the desk creaking, and then we hear Gaara scream 'Aaaah. Yeah! Mommy!' Well, it so happens that we don't see him anymore for the next few days. Apparently the two of them are very busy. And then they finally appear and tell us they're getting married and that Kankuro and I should leave for Konoha together with them right away. After all, it's our job to protect the kazekage wherever he goes. And you have no idea how long it took us to get here. I mean, we had to stop all the time because of their sudden urges 'to discuss in private some strategies for warming up Suna-Konoha relationships'! Quite heated discussions, indeed! We had to wait for hours. And then I notice stupid Kankuro and the hokage's damn assistant giggling and disappearing somewhere together. And I'm like 'Great! Everyone is having fun. Yeah, leave poor Temari to wait alone like an idiot and you go have your damn fucking!' And then I see the pig giving me inappropriate looks and I'm like 'Hell no!' Jeez, what's wrong with everyone? Anyway, that's all."

Temari sighed and ordered more beer. Everyone looked stunned, red faces and glazed eyes. Then voices rose and for a long time they were busy with heated discussions of what they had just heard. Temari drank a few bottles of beer, content with the agitation she had caused. Finally she got up and headed to the door, staggering and hiccupping, her cheeks red.

Out on the street she bumped into two guys.

"Hey, watch where you're wa-… Aww, Iruka, look at that, what a hot girl. Hey, sweetie, I think we've seen you around here before. This is my friend Iruka, and I'm…" Ebisu looked very happy from this encounter and was just about to start flirting when a dreadful suspicion crossed his mind. He gave Temari a closer look. "Hey, you're not Shino, right?" Then he shook his had sadly. "You know, Iruka, Shino was unrecognizable with that blond wig and the dress, I don't want any other mistakes." Ebisu gripped Temari's breasts and squeezed them. "These seem to be real. Phew, it's not Shino."

Temari was quite drunk already and somewhat turned on from the story she had told, so she slid her gaze up and down Ebisu's body, then she groggily stepped toward him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. She grinned at him and mumbled "Ya know, Iruka, ya have no problem, for ya I'll be Shino or whoever ya want."

"No, he is not…" Iruka tried to correct her, but she turned her blurred eyes toward him and blurted out "Shut up, Kankuro, and drag your fuckin' ass outta here, go fuck the damn pig!" Then she blinked a few times, shook her head, blinked one more time and looked at Iruka again. She wrapped her other arm around his shoulder and smiled. "What was your name again?" She didn't wait for an answer, but turned to Ebisu and muttered "We going to your place, Iruka?"

Ebisu just winked at Iruka, and the two of them dragged Temari in the direction of Ebisu's house.

Most of the listeners of the incredible story about the hokage and the kazekage had gone away, but Sakura and Sai were still there, drinking and discussing missions and stuff.

"You're not training as much as you're supposed to, Sakura. We'll fail the next mission if you go on like that. All you think about is how to get into the Uchihas' bed again!"

"Shut up, Sai, you don't realize how hot they are. I don't give a damn about the dumb missions, I need to come up with a proper plan to get these guys. I can't just barge in like the last time, they'll kick me out when they see me."

Sai smiled lightly. "I know very well how hot they are, they screwed the hell out of me when they found me hiding in their closet. And before that I saw everything they did to you!"

Sakura was just about to smash his face, annoyed at the fact that he had watched her and the Uchihas, but her hand stopped midair. Then she just hugged a totally bewildered Sai and yelled "That's it! You just gave me the best plan! I'll sneak in their bedroom secretly and hide in their closet, and watch until they get really heated up, and then I'll get out and they'll be very horny and won't mind that much if I join in!" Then she jumped off her seat and ran away, impatient to fulfill her plan. Sai stared after her and shook his head.

…

Loud yelling filled the Uchiha house and Sasuke rushed to see what was going on. He watched in amazement as Itachi was hitting with a frying pan an already shapeless mass of Deidara's clay and shouting to Naruto and Deidara who were guiltily looking at the floor.

"How dare you! Did you really think this lame plan was going to work?"

In the last few days Deidara and Naruto had tried all kinds of strategies to induce another fit of Itachi's weasel panic, hoping to get the chance to top him while he was out of his mind. After they had seen Sasuke pounding the daylights out of him, they secretly believed they could eventually achieve the same great results. But they were wrong.

Their last attack consisted of a clay statue of Baboon humping Weasel. They had shoved it in front of Itachi's eyes, hoping that he would freak out, and he freaked out indeed, but instead of having a fit of weasel panic, he did his best to defend himself and destroyed the dreadful thing, smashing it with whatever he could reach.

For the last three days Itachi had managed to burn with amaterasu a few I am Weasel plush toys, had chased all over the house Naruto's clones transformed into numerous copies of Baboon and Weasel, had nearly destroyed the computer when Deidara tried to make him accidentally look at some dirty fanart, and had nearly killed the poor delivery guy who brought an I am Weasel cosplay outfit.

Itachi finally finished hitting the clay and collapsed in a chair. Sasuke wrapped an arm around his shoulders protectively and glared at Deidara.

"Why don't you stop with this ridiculous bullshit? Poor nii-san's brain is enough messed up already, now we don't want him to turn into a complete psycho, do we?"

"I thought he was a complete psycho already…" Naruto muttered quietly to himself.

"Yeah, right, mock at me!" Itachi was too tired to deal with them anymore and just left the room.

"Deidara, you're too troublesome! Stop messing with nii-san's mental condition!"

"It wasn't so troublesome when you were messing with his ass, un!"

"Well, I know how to make him feel good! He was enjoying it! Just like you did when you got it in the ass!"

"I didn't! You're such a lame seme, un!" Deidara's face got bright red.

"You didn't think I was lame when I made you scream in pleasure." Sasuke smirked. It was the evil arrogant smirk that Deidara hated the most.

"I… I…" Deidara shut up then, remembering that he did scream indeed. He pouted and muttered "You're so dead."

"Aw, what are you gonna do? Throw at me some of those ridiculous ugly clay things you make?"

"They're not ugly, un! This is art! You don't understand anything about art, dumbass. They look great!"

Sasuke's smirk grew larger. "You look great when you're impaled on my dick."

Deidara narrowed his eyes. "I'm not your damn uke!"

Sasuke got closer to him, giving him a direct glare in the eyes. "You were, and you will be again, cause you liked it."

"Never! I'll make you pay for this, un!" Deidara turned his head to the side, not even wanting to look at Sasuke anymore, and went out mad as hell. Naruto rushed after him.

All the chaos and quarreling had made them completely unaware of the unwanted presence in their house. So, some time later when they managed to calm down, the four of them sat on the table to have dinner, Itachi and Deidara pouting, Sasuke smirking, and Naruto giggling from time to time, which gained him a few deathglares from Itachi.

"Hey, Dei, what about reading together some I am Weasel fanfi-… Ouch! Sasu you jerk! That hurt!"

Naruto rubbed the place on his head where Sasuke had hit him, Itachi clutched his fork so tightly that his knuckles went white, and Deidara just glared at Sasuke.

Out in the garden, Sakura was hiding behind a bush. She made sure no one was looking and ran to the house, then she peeped carefully through the bedroom window. There was no one in there, but she could hear the voices coming from one of the other rooms. That was the right moment. She jumped through the window and tiptoed to the closet.

Before anyone could see her, she opened the door, taking a last look around at the same time, then she briefly sneaked into the closet without even looking at what was inside. She quietly closed the door and prepared to wait until the boys appeared in the room.

She let out a grunt of irritation. There was awfully little space in that damn closet. Maybe it would be more spacious if she was alone in there, but in this moment she realized that she wasn't. There was someone right behind her, tightly pressed to her back. She slowly turned her head back to look over her shoulder, even though she knew she wouldn't see anything in the darkness, and she felt her cheek rub against the cloth of a mask that covered the lower half of the person's face. She was utterly surprised.

"Kakashi sensei? What the hell are you doing here?"

"The same as you, I guess." He didn't seem surprised at all.

Now she was even more irritated. She hadn't planned to share the closet with him. Apparently, there were too many people who were willing to spy on the Uchihas and eventually to get into their bed.

"Kakashi sensei, move away, you're too close!"

"Sorry, but there's no space," came the calm reply. Obviously the fact that they were pressed to each other didn't disturb him… for now.

"Uh! Then just go away! There's no room for both of us here."

"Sorry, Sakura, but I was the first to get into this closet. You should go away."

"No way, Kakashi! You won't ruin my plan. I'm not going anywhere!"

They waited like this for a while, both of them silent. Kakashi was getting bored. It was dark, so he couldn't read his book, and there wasn't enough space to play rock, paper, scissors with Sakura to kill the time.

They were waiting for too long already, and both of them were getting nervous. On top of that, dirty fantasies about the two hot Uchihas were torturing their minds and this fact was doing things to them, especially to Kakashi.

"Oh man, where the hell are they? I can't wait any longer."

"We need to be patient, Kakashi sensei."

"But… Sakura… I have a problem. And it's getting bigger and bigger!"

"I can feel exactly how big your problem is, Kakashi sensei! After all, it's pressed to my ass!" She tried to move away from him, but it didn't work. She could hear his quiet whimper.

"But… but… I need something to be done about it."

She grunted coldly. "Just wait for it to go away."

"It won't go away! You're wiggling your ass all the time and rubbing it!"

"What? I'm not!" One more time she tried to move away.

"Aaaah… You just did it again. I can't stand it any more."

"Well, if I don't move at all for so long, my body will start stiffening, my shoulders ache already."

"Well, Sakura, certain parts of my body got very stiff too."

She didn't stop fidgeting and he just couldn't take it any more.

"That's it!"

She heard the sound of the zipper of his pants.

"What the hell?"

His arms sneaked around her and started undressing her.

"Kakashi sensei! That's so inappro-"

He pulled her panties down and she gasped when she felt something warm and hard grind against her naked butt.

"I can't wait anymore! I told you." Soft lips brushed her ear as he whispered, and she realized that he had taken his mask off. If only she could take a look… But she quickly forgot this thought as she felt the warm hardness press into her eagerly.

"Ouch! Kakashi sensei! This is the wrong hole!"

"Oh… uh… sorry. But… er… I think it doesn't matter…"

"Damn you! I said the other one!"

Her ass was still sore from the previous night when Ebisu and Iruka had sneaked secretly into her room, wearing Itachi and Sasuke cosplay outfits. In the darkness people can easily mistaken things. And when they realize the mistake, it's usually too late.

"Wrong, right, who cares?" Kakashi muttered as he made sure he was sliding his cock where she wanted. Finally he was inside to the hilt and he sighed with relief as he felt her tightness around him. Then he started moving as much as the narrowness of the closet allowed. She arched her back to make it easier. Kakashi was damn happy that she finally shut up and started cooperating, her annoying remarks replaced with soft moans.

The moans got louder as he pressed his lips to her neck and started gently sliding them across her skin, kissing her lightly and licking her, then wiggling his tongue in her ear.

His lips were unexpectedly soft. Sakura hadn't imagined that they would feel this way on her skin. She could tell they were plump and well shaped and she caught herself longing to see how they looked, their shape, and the rest of Kakashi's face.

His fingers were roaming all over her chest and her belly, rubbing her breasts, lightly squeezing them and rolling around the nipples, then sliding lower and reaching between her legs, swirling in circles around the hottest spot.

Sakura was already grunting and pushing her hips back to meet his thrusts, leaning on the wall in front of her. She could feel he smirked against her skin, and then his breathy whisper brushed her ear.

"Didn't you say this was inappropriate, Sakura?"

"Inappropriate or not, who cares! Shut up, sensei, and do it harder."

He gripped her hips tightly and doubled the pace. She moaned wildly, clawing the wall and grasping whatever was around, which happened to be some of Itachi's clothes. She could sense Itachi's scent on them and it turned her on even more.

Meanwhile Sasuke, Naruto, Itachi and Deidara were finishing their dinner.

Deidara was absent-mindedly dipping his finger in the ice-cream and sucking it, and Sasuke caught himself staring. It was a tempting view, indeed.

Sasuke hurried to looked away, but it was too late.

"Do you like what you see, Sasu-chan? Your eyes will fall from the sockets, un."

"Don't call me that! For you it's 'Sasuke'!"

"Yeah right, Sasu-chan, I look good, don't I?"

"Hn. You look good when you're impaled on my dick and you're moaning like crazy."

"You! Idiot! Stop playing the oh so awesome seme that you're not!"

"If I'm not, then why did you come so hard?"

Damn Uchiha logic. Deidara chose to remain silent.

And then they noticed the weird noises coming from the bedroom.

Itachi sighed heavily. "Uzumaki, go and see what the hell is going on there."

Naruto lazily dragged his butt to the door and disappeared. The suspicious noises were coming from the closed. He opened the door and what he saw was Sakura coming hard, Kakashi hurriedly pulling his mask back on before Naruto could see anything, and then giving Sakura a few more hard thrusts and coming as well.

Naruto blinked a few times, then shook his head. "Nothing surprises me any more." He shut the door and went back to the others. They gave him a questioning look, but he just made a grimace and waved his hand.

"Ah, nothing. Just Sakura-chan and Kakashi sensei fucking in the closet."

Itachi made 'No comment' expression, Deidara burst in laughter, and Sasuke yelled "Damn closet perverts!"

Sakura and Kakashi appeared at the door with apologizing smiles. Sasuke glared at them, teeth gritted.

"Oh, you came out. Now go away, you perverts!"

"Look who's talking," Deidara snickered and Sasuke kicked him under the table.

Embarrassed Sakura and grinning Kakashi left the house, leaving behind a facepalming Itachi.

"Why is this place always full of people we didn't invite?" he whined miserably. "Is there something wrong with everyone here, or I'm getting paranoid?"

Deidara was in the mood to irritate people.

"What a surprise, Ita-chan, you probably expected the closet to be full of evil weasels. And you are paranoid anyway."

Itachi glared at him. "You know, Deidara, you really look so good when you're impaled on Sasuke's dick, and that slutty face you're making…"

"Touche" Naruto muttered quietly.

"Damn!" Deidara slammed his fist on the table.

Sasuke was shaking with evil laughter.

**To be continued**

**… … …**

**Author's comment**

Haha, be careful in the darkness. People make mistakes. And you never know what you're gonna find in the closet. I know all of you are secretly hoping to find there Itachi or Sasuke, but that's not likely to happen. And now Ita-chan will be so kind to say the disclaimer.

Naruto: Er, Itachi-san is not here. He's checking the closet for weasels.

Me: Damn, what the hell am I gonna do now?

Deidara: Hey, I just heard a very strange noise coming from the closet! *makes a spooky face* Maybe this really is a weasel, un!

Sasuke: You moron! Well… it is sort of weaselish, indeed… Actually, Itachi accidentally locked himself in the closet.

Itachi: *banging on the door* Somebody let me out of here!

Deidara: Hm, a lot of people are banging in this closet lately.

Me: Maybe you people should help him and unlock the door.

Naruto, Sasuke, Deidara: Um… No!

Me: Ita-chan, my dear, can you please somehow shout the disclaimer from the closet?

Itachi: I can't!

Me: ?

Itachi: *hoarse whisper* If there are any weasels in the closet and I shout too much, this might irritate them and make them ferocious! (Yeah, damn Uchiha logic!)

Me: O.o

Naruto: Touche.

Sasuke: Eh-hm. Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, and Deidara's ass belongs to my dick.

Deidara: That was a lame disclaimer, un!


	13. Chapter 13

**Horny idiots ch.13**

Author saying nonsense in the beginning of the chapter:

Oh man, I'm so guilty, I know, I didn't update this thing for too long, someone needs to whip me for punishment.

Now, cause it's been really too long since the last update was posted, I'm going to remind what happened in the last few chapters.

I'll start from where Shino decided to spy on the Uchihas and sneaked into their house dressed like a woman, then Neji was revealing to Itachi the secrets of the cooking ninjutsu, and then Itachi had a fit of weasel panic after Shino shoved in his face his I am Weasel plushie. The result of this was that while Itachi was out of his mind Sasu-chan took the opportunity and pounded his ass like mad. Then Sasu and Dei, who hadn't fucked yet, finally did it, both of them wanting the other to be the uke, but Deidara ended up with his ass slammed. The tension between them increased and they started doing their best to irritate each other. Tsunade went to Suna for a meeting with the kazekage because of that shopping list Shizune accidentally sent to Suna instead of an important letter (yeah, the list of vibrators, lingerie, whips and stuff). She thought the mistake might cause a conflict, but it caused something else. Tsunade returned to Konoha with Gaara, Kankuro and Temari and announced the news that she's getting married to the kazekage. Temari told everyone how everything happened. Sakura sneaked in the Uchiha house again and hid in the closet where she found Kakashi who also had the intention to watch the Uchihas fuck and eventually join in. They ended up screwing in the closet.

And, of course, Itachi keeps failing to say the disclaimer. Aaaand that's all.

And now here we go with another chapter of this idiocy.

… … …

Gaara was wandering around Konoha, looking for someone to give him directions. Tsunade had confessed that from time to time she was having fun with certain Uchiha boys and the blonds who lived with them, and Gaara was determined to find out exactly how far this affair had gone. If it was just screwing them from time to time, it was ok, but if any of these boys was hoping for something more… Gaara clenched his fists. His sand would show them that no one could even think about stealing from him his precious Tsunade and getting away with it.

There weren't many people on the street, and the few that were passing by Gaara gave him curious looks at first, and then looked away at the sight of his menacing expression. Finally Gaara decided he should try talking to someone, and this someone happened to be Shino.

Gaara hissed through gritted teeth "I want to get to the Uchiha house. Where?"

Shino gave him his usual cold and disapproving look.

"Why the hell you want to go there? It's a terrible place! Terrible! Wrong things happen there! Yesterday I was send by the hokage to tell Naruto she wanted to see him and talk to him about some mission. So I went there, and at the door appeared that blond Akatsuki barbie girl, dressed in a perverted maid outfit. He gave me the dirtiest look ever and said that Naruto was busy. And from the sound of it I could tell what exactly he was busy with! And when the blond slut asked me if I wanted to join in, I just ran away! Don't go there!" Shino made a spooky face and whispered "It's dangerous!"

Gaara just clutched Shino's throat and shook him. "Don't make me repeat. Where?"

…

The bell rang and Naruto went to answer the door.

"Don't tell me it's more fangirls," Itachi muttered.

"No, Ita-chan, the weasels are coming for you… Ouch! Sasuke, you morooooon!" Sasuke was fiercely pulling a strand of Deidara's hair to make him shut up.

Gaara just stared coldly at the naked blond who opened the door and looked at him stupidly.

Naruto scratched his head, then he smiled broadly. "Wow, man, Gaara, is that you? C'mon man, what's that cold face, give your fellow jinchuuriki a nice hug! Did you lose your mind after they extracted that damn thing out of you, or what? You look weird."

Gaara couldn't help but blush when naked Naruto suddenly pressed him in a smashing embrace.

"Hey, guys, look who's here." Naruto led Gaara into the house, where Gaara was greeted by an interesting scene. Itachi was sprawled on the couch, Deidara was riding him, Sasuke staring and touching himself.

The blush on Gaara's face got brighter, but he didn't lose his determination and said with low, hissing voice "Now tell me, you fuckers, what exactly do you want from my fiancée?"

They stopped fucking, Deidara slid off of Itachi's dick, and all of them stared at Gaara in silence.

"Well, we merely screw her," Itachi said bluntly.

"Well, she's minez!"

Itachi sighed. "Dude, I told you, we're just screwing her, not trying to steal her from you or something!" He didn't like fits of jealousy.

Gaara was still giving him deathglares and Itachi thought for a second, then scanned Gaara from head to toes and came up with the perfect solution of the situation. He smirked and got up from the couch, then he went closer to Gaara, walking slowly and seductively, dirty glints in his eyes.

"No need for jealousy, little brat. You'll get married to her and fuck her happily ever after or whatever. If you're so disturbed by the fact that we fucked the hell out of her… Well…" Itachi made a pause and gave Gaara's body another appreciative look. "Let us do the same to you, and then she and you will be even."

Gaara's eyes widened. This was not what he had expected. Even though, he felt very unwilling to refuse. He had planned to make a scene and yell at them and threaten them, but he hadn't thought he would find himself in a room full of gorgeous, naked, horny men. He just couldn't ignore all the hardened dicks that were waving around him.

"You can't resist. I can see it your eyes. And I can see the bulge growing in your pants. Mmmm, nicely sized bulge, I should say." When Itachi wanted to seduce someone, he was merciless.

Gaara shivered when he felt Itachi's hand rubbing his crotch. Then his pants were slid down and his cock sprang out, Itachi's fingers gripped it tightly and stroked it a few times.

Itachi looked around, let go of Gaara's dick and stepped aside. "Who wants to be the first to taste this?"

Sasuke and Deidara rushed to Gaara at the same time. Right in front of him they bumped with a thud and then started pushing each other.

"Get out of my way!"

"I was first, un! I bet he prefers me, right, kazekage-chan? We have some nice memories, don't we?"

Gaara shivered lustfully at the thought of what Deidara and Sasori had done to him when he was captured by Akatsuki.

"Move away! It's my turn, you dumb blond!"

"Who are you calling dumb, you duckhead!"

"My hair is awesome!"

"Yeah, riiight. Duckhead!"

"That joke about the chicken's butt is too lame and old, Deidara! Fangirls love my hair!"

"Aaaaaah!"

Both Sasuke and Deidara stopped quarreling just to see that Naruto had already helped Gaara to undress completely and was kneeling in front of him, sucking his dick fiercely.

"Mmmm, oh yeah, suck the kazekage dick, you slut." Gaara's head was falling back, his fingers tangling in Naruto's blond locks.

Naruto sucked some more, then he got up, drool running down his chin. He wiped it off and smirked. "Now bend over, Gaara."

Gaara glared at him coldly. "No"

"Awww, why not?" Naruto made a miserable face.

Gaara leaned toward him with a menacing grin. "Cause I'm the fucking kazekage, that's why! When you become hokage, then you come to me and claim my ass, bitch! Now bend over!"

The surprise in Naruto's blue eyes made him look so sweetly stupid and caught off guard, he pouted and clenched his fists, his lower lip trembling a bit.

Gaara just kept glaring at him. "Aw, the little genin is angry. Come on, bend over."

"No!" Naruto narrowed his eyes. He didn't even notice how behind his back Itachi, Sasuke and Deidara were smirking and making silent gestures to each other. When they reached agreement, they suddenly grabbed Naruto and bent him over the back of the sofa.

"Hey, guys, what the hell are you doing?"

Itachi and Sasuke were holding him down while Deidara spread his legs and shoved two oiled fingers in him to prepare him. When Deidara was done, he moved aside and invited Gaara.

"Ready for you, kazekage-chan, un!"

Naruto was writhing wildly in Itachi and Sasuke's tight grip. "What's wrong with you? What the hell?"

Itachi chuckled evilly. "You see, Uzumaki, we find it interesting to observe your ass being pounded by the kazekage. Come on, be a nice boy and help us contribute to the establishment of good Suna/Konoha relationships. Your ass has a political mission now."

"What the fuck? Itachi-san, stop joking!"

"Eh, I'll make him shut up, un." Deidara climbed on the sofa, stood in front of Naruto and shoved his dick in his mouth. "There. Now he's silenced for you, kazekage-chan."

Gaara went around the sofa until he was standing right behind Naruto. Itachi and Sasuke were at Naruto's sides, holding his shoulders to keep him bent over, and his thighs to keep his legs spread.

"Spank him, kazekage-chan, un. Spank him for being so naughty."

Gaara licked his lips and gave Naruto a nice slap on the ass. He let out a creepy, hoarse giggle and continued slapping until he gave Naruto's butt an adorable bright red colour. Itachi and Sasuke's mouths were filling with drool just from the sight of it.

"Mmmm" With a greedy grimace Gaara grabbed the reddened cheeks and started squeezing them, then he started making slow licks all over them. He parted them and spread the hole open, grunting with appreciation.

He gave one last hard squeeze to Naruto's ass. It looked so good, freshly spanked, slicked, and shiny from the saliva, ready for Gaara's dick. Gaara was just about to thrust inside when Sasuke stopped him.

"Wait. Will you hold his legs for a while, so nii-san and I can finger him a bit before you pound him? Come on, this butt is just too tempting." Itachi nodded with eagerness, confirming Sasuke's words, and Gaara obliged their request. He gripped Naruto's thighs and kept them spread.

Itachi and Sasuke still held his shoulders with one arm, with their free hands they gave Naruto's butt a few slaps and then they started teasing his hole.

"Mmmhh, you jerks! Oh that feels good!" Naruto managed to mumble when Deidara slipped his dick out of his mouth and leaned forward to see better what Itachi and Sasuke were doing. Each of them had shoved a finger inside, the two of them synchronizing their thrusts.

Naruto shuddered violently when Itachi's fingertip started rubbing right where he wanted.

"Follow my moves, Sasuke." Itachi commanded and both of them started moving their fingers in slow circles over the most heated spot inside Naruto.

At last they were satisfied and they grabbed Naruto's legs again, pulling them to the side and exposing his butt for Gaara to pound.

Gaara seemed to have lost patience. He slammed his dick into Naruto with one smooth thrust and started riding him.

Naruto's screams were soon muffled by Deidara's dick thrusting in his mouth again.

Well prepared by Itachi and Sasuke's touches, Naruto soon squirmed in a heavy orgasm. Deidara was quite affected by the view and followed him, pulling out of his mouth in the last moment and splattering his cum on his face.

Itachi and Sasuke were also getting too turned on. They were shifting their gaze from Naruto's abused hole to Gaara's round naked ass that was moving back and forth as Gaara was thrusting.

"I can't wait," Itachi muttered. Before anyone could register anything, he pulled Gaara out of Naruto and bent him over the sofa's back in the same position as Naruto.

"Wait a minute!" Gaara was taken by surprise and didn't have the chance to do anything.

Itachi clutched his neck with one hand and held him in his place, with his other hand he fondled his dick and his balls, then he rubbed his hole.

Next to them Deidara was using all his tongues to lick his own cum off Naruto's face.

"Have some fun, Sasu, before I pound that ass into the sofa."

Sasuke parted Gaara's cheeks and shoved his tongue between them, making the redhead moan in pleasure. Then he slicked him with the oil and slid two fingers inside. He fingered him for a while, then he slipped his cock in and gave him a few slams, then fingered him again, and then pleasured him with his cock a bit more.

"Move away." Itachi roughly pushed him and took his place. He licked his lips and plunged in the hot insides, making a few slow, slick thrusts. Then he pulled out and Sasuke shoved his cock again. They took turns like that till Sasuke couldn't hold it any more and came. Then Itachi decided it was time to get serious and gave Gaara some good hard slamming till both of them screamed in ecstasy and came.

Gaara was panting heavily, still bent over the sofa. Itachi looked at the others.

"We should give him some more, what do you think?" He received slutty smirks as an answer and maneuvered Gaara so that he was lying on the sofa, his legs spread.

"Finger him and suck him," Itachi ordered.

Sasuke eagerly gripped Gaara's dick that still hadn't lost its hardness. Deidara slapped his hand and tried to grip Gaara's dick too.

"Let go!" Sasuke snarled at him.

"You let go, un!"

"For god's sake! Just suck him together!" Itachi was losing patience.

Deidara and Sasuke grunted with annoyance, exchanged deathglares and leaned over Gaara's dick. They started licking it, at first very careful not to touch each other's tongues, and then each of them shoved a finger into him."

"That's ridiculous! Just do it properly! I don't get it what's the problem between you two!" Itachi yelled at them.

They tried to obey him and started licking more eagerly, from time to time the one or the other taking Gaara's whole dick in his mouth, then both of them licking it. They couldn't help but touch their lips and tongues, and both of them enjoyed the feeling, but made their best not to show that they actually liked it.

Soon both of them got lost in what they were doing, and when they licked the sides of Gaara's dick and their tongues met at the tip, they locked their lips in a fiery kiss. Both of them moaned and tangled their tongues. They kissed for a while, as if they didn't realize what they were doing, then Itachi's quiet chuckle made each of them remember who actually he was kissing. They pulled away, a streak of saliva connecting their mouths, and for a moment they gave each other glazed looks filled with longing, before they remembered they were supposed to pretend they hate each other.

"Hahaha, that felt good, you can't deny it. And these hungry looks you exchanged… Boys, you're dying to screw each other."

Sasuke and Deidara glared angrily at Itachi and yelled at the same time "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yeah, yeah, keep playing dumb. Now, since Sasu already had his turn, I think that Deidara should remind the kazegage about the nice time the two of them had when Gaara was captured by Akatsuki."

Deidara gave Sasuke a self-contented glare and pushed him away, then he spread Gaara's legs, admired the view for a moment, and then he penetrated him slowly, causing the redhead to moan with renewed lust.

He started a slow rhythm, leaning on one arm, and using the other hand to pleasure Gaara with the palm tongue. He leaned for a kiss and Gaara lifted himself to meet him, hungry for his lips.

Sasuke was leaning on the back of the sofa, looking at them nonchalantly.

"As lame as usual. You don't need to try so hard, Deidara, you can't bang him as good as I did."

Deidara said nothing, but started to thrust harder, all his tongues working all over Gaara's body.

"Tch. When will you learn? You can't beat an Uchiha."

Deidara gritted his teeth. "And when will you shut up? He likes it, un!"

As a confirmation to that, Gaara's moans got louder.

"Hn. I bet he's faking. There's no way a lame seme like you to pleasure him so much."

Deidara's face twitched in anger and he yelled "Ha! How the hell do you know what seme I am? Why don't you try me and see for yourself?"

Sasuke shook his head. "Eh, you would only waste my time. Besides, it's obvious that he's faking."

"Grrrr. I'll show you who's faking, un!" Deidara started frantically hammering his hips into Gaara, driving the redhead wild. He felt he was about to come, but held it until he had Gaara squirming in ecstasy and spilling his cum all over both of them. Then he let go and came too. He didn't even let himself have time to enjoy fully his own orgasm, but as soon as he could take a breath enough to speak, he pointed at the exhausted, cum-covered Gaara and yelled "Is that what you call faking, huh? You moron!"

Sasuke felt hot and uneasy after watching Deidara pounding Gaara like this, but he managed to keep his composure. He just waved his hand and rolled his eyes.

"So he came. Big deal! I can make you scream louder than him, and you know it damn well. Hehe, you know it from your own experience. Nii-san can tell you, too. After all, he also knows that from his own experience."

Deidara was so engulfed in anger, that he couldn't even find proper words for a reply. Sasuke kept boasting.

"I've heard the way you scream when I'm inside of you, Deidara. And nii-san… Hehe, he screamed louder even than you."

Deidara was shaking in silent fury. Itachi had heard the whole conversation and had somehow managed to stay silent too, but he was clenching his fists and his expression was getting more and more menacing by the minute. After getting on top of both of them, Sasuke had become too self-contented. Both of them felt that he was going too far with his teasing.

"Oh yeah, all of you can't deny how good it felt to have my cock in your ass…" He kept talking and talking… Itachi and Deidara looked at each other, then they looked at the smirk on Sasuke's face, and then exchanged glares again. Without words, they understood each other perfectly. Poor Sasuke was digging his own grave.

The 'idyllic' moment was ruined by Naruto's discontented whine "And when is my turn in his ass, damn it?"

Deidara got off the sofa and Naruto hurried to take his place over Gaara, but realized that he hadn't advanced even an inch towards the redhead, because Itachi was holding him firmly by the arm and laughing.

"Oh no, Uzumaki, this candy ain't for you."

Naruto stamped his foot and whined again "But whyyyyy, Itachi-san!"

"Cause it's fun to see your disappointed face, Uzumaki, now go eat some ramen."

Naruto opened his mouth to say "Screw you", but a warning glare from Itachi made him shut it again and decide that he better not look for trouble.

They helped Gaara to get dressed and he left, staggering a bit, his eyes glazed, drool running down his chin.

The rest of the day passed quickly, and in the evening some of them were still pouting, some of them were horny again, and some of them were ready to put their plan into action.

Naruto was busy with unsuccessful attempts to come up with a strategy how to watch I am Weasel in secret and without Sasuke noticing and yelling at him, Deidara was sulking, and Sasuke was doing his best to attract Itachi's attention.

Watching Deidara fucking Gaara had turned him on, but he would never admit even to himself that the blond could affect him this way. He still felt restless and needed someone to give him a nice hard fuck in the ass. To himself, he tried to explain it with his never ending lust for Itachi, so he started following him around the house and rub and grind into him whenever he got the chance.

Itachi quickly got the hint. Being a good older brother, he would never refuse cute little Sasu a bang in the butt. Besides, he was planning to give him more than what Sasuke bargained for.

He smirked when Sasuke sat next to him on the sofa and pressed to his side, rubbing his body against him suggestively.

"Well, well, Sasu, it seems your little butt is looking for trouble. And trust me, it's gonna get it. Mmmm, it's gonna get it hard."

He grabbed Sasuke's arm and pulled him in his lap. Sasuke straddled him, giving him a longing look, and Itachi gripped his ass and pressed him to his crotch, urging him to grind against his quickly growing hardness.

"Nii-san…"

Itachi pulled him by the hair and pressed their mouths together, licking and biting his lower lip, then sucking the eager tongue that slipped out to meet his. He was ravishing his mouth for a while, then he moved to his neck, making long hot licks from his shoulder to his ear, then shoved his tongue between his lips again.

Itachi started to buck his hips upwards as Sasuke was grinding his ass against him, then he slid his hand in the back of Sasue's pants, shoving a finger between his ass cheeks, reaching for the hole.

"Aaah" Sasuke arched, the finger rubbing him gently, Itachi's erection pressing and grinding into his cock, moist tongue traveling up and down his neck. Itachi smirked viciously at the way Sasuke was shuddering in his arms. He looked at the blissful expression on his little brother's face, closed eyes, blushing cheeks. The poor thing wasn't suspecting anything. Itachi picked him up and carried him to the bedroom, Sasuke clinging to him and kissing him, sucking his neck like a leech.

Itachi kicked the door open and entered the room. He didn't bother to turn on the light, just threw Sasuke on the bed and pounced on him.

Before Sasuke knew what was going on, he was turned face down, his arms tied to the iron headboard, his clothes torn. He heard the shuffling sound of Itachi undressing himself, and shivered in anticipation. Itachi's aggressiveness turned him on and the darkness added a taste of mystery.

Sasuke couldn't see anything, any minute he expected to feel Itachi's fingers on his skin. He felt the mattress sink when Itachi climbed on the bed, and there it was, the long awaited touch, hot palms sliding slowly down his back and cupping his ass cheeks.

"Oh Itachi…" He writhed a bit, wiggling and arching, spreading his legs to urge Itachi to touch him more. Then he felt the wetness of his tongue on his ass, swirling along the curves. Sasuke could hear Itachi exhale heavily, and he felt the stream of air hit his moistened skin, causing him to shiver.

Then he felt slippery fingers penetrating him, sliding smoothly in and out of him, pressing, rubbing, stretching. He was panting already, his insides on fire, his cock pleasurably rubbing against the satin sheets.

"I can't… any more… Itachi… stick it in, please! Now! Shove it to the hilt, take me!"

He heard Itachi's chuckle right next to his ear and felt his breath. "You wan't a cock, huh? Now you'll get one. Just wait a sec."

The warmth of Itachi's body disappeared, and Sasuke could hear him open the door. "I'll be right back, Sasu."

"Hurry up, damn it!" Sasuke writhed impatiently. He was turned on beyond belief and he couldn't wait any longer. He sighed with relief when he heard the door again and the sounds of footsteps approaching the bed.

"Nnnhhh, take meeeee, Itachiiiii."

He felt kisses trail his backbone, and the silkiness of long strands of hair tickling his skin. Then palms parting his ass cheeks, a tongue plunging between them, then kisses going all the way back up his backbone, teeth pulling the skin on his neck.

Sasuke growled and bucked his hips.

"Shove it, shove it inside, bang me! Oh please!"

As an answer to his desperate request, a hard, well slicked cock was slammed into him and he moaned with satisfaction, finally getting what he wanted. Sasuke had the odd feeling that it wasn't as big as it usually was, after all Itachi's was huge, he had the biggest one, but it was doing him hard, pushing in and sliding out so pleasurably, so he didn't care.

The rhythm slowed down. Sasuke could feel the smooth head brush against his sweet spot, then slide out of him and slowly go back in, it felt like forever until it touched him right where he wanted again.

"Oh, Itachi, please do me harder, faster, oh it feels so good, shove it deeper." The speed increased. "Oh yeah, like that, right there, aaaah, harder, ahhh… oh it's so damn good, ah yes! Harder!"

Strong arms gripped his thighs and lifted his hips up, pulling him and impaling him on the eager dick in time with the thrusts.

"Oh god, yes! I'm coming!"

He felt the silky long hair brush his back again, and the heaviness of warm body leaning on him, he felt himself pressed to the mattress, the cock mercilessly slamming into him. Then a hand ruffled his hair and gently patted his face. The palm pressed to his cheek and… licked him.

Sasuke froze in pure horror. The fucking hand licked him! He wanted to scream, to jump out of the bed and run away, but he was tied up. He wanted to say something, do something, but it was too late. The cock kept thrusting into him, he was so turned on, so close, he couldn't stop himself, his moan turned into scream, his whole body shuddered and he came.

Sasuke was panting, still unable to take his breath, his mind was reeling. Then he heard Deidara's voice whisper in his ear. "Oh yeah, that was great! You were screaming so nice for me, un. What a pity that I couldn't see your face when I made you come."

Sasuke gritted his teeth. Then he realized he could hear someone panting somewhere near the bed, and the sound of Itachi's voice.

"Oh yes, that was a great show, aaaah!" Itachi moaned once more and came in his hand. Then he approached the bed and untied poor shocked Sasuke, who frantically dashed through the door as soon as he was free.

…

"Go away!"

"Don't be ashamed, Sasu-chan, and stop hiding. Just get out of there and admit that I'm a great seme." Deidara was leaning on the locked bathroom door.

"Never!" Sasuke's voice came from inside the bathroom, sounding a bit shaky.

"You can't deny it now, Sasu-chan, you were moaning, and screaming, and begging, and you came so hard. Just say how much you enjoyed it and ask me to do it again."

"I said never! You're not a fucking seme, you'll be my uke!"

"Sasu-chan, it's pointless. Sooner or later you will ask me to bang you again, you'll see."

"You will be the first to ask me to bang you!"

"Nope, I don't think so, un."

Itachi passed by Deidara and chuckled. "Jeez, you're having this conversation for hours already."

"This means nothing, Deidara! Next time we fuck, you won't be so cocky and you'll bend over for me, cause you can't resist me!" Sasuke yelled from the bathroom.

"You will be the one begging for my attention, I bet, un!"

Finally the door slammed open and Sasuke appeared. His face was still bright red, but he had managed to regain his arrogant expression. He made a step forward till his face was just inches from Deidara's.

"That's it, blondie! War!"

"You want war, you'll get war! Prepare!"

"You better prepare your butt, blondie! You know where the lube is."

"Yeah, I know where it is, but I don't need it, you deserve to be banged dry."

"Keep talking, blondie, but you'll be the first to ask for my dick."

"You wish!"

Itachi watched them silently. He chuckled and quietly muttered to himself "This will be fun. Let the battle begin."

**to be continued**

… … …

**Author's comments**

Yeah, Konoha people know how to welcome a kazekage. Hehe, what a lucky kazekage.

Now, Ita-chan, there were no updates for so long, but I hope you still remember that the disclaimer is your responsibility. Oh no, don't play dumb, I'm sure you must have figured out by now what you're supposed to say.

Itachi: *totally clueless look*

Deidara: *naked* Watch and drool, Sasuke! *grabs his dick and strokes it a few times* That's what you want, bitch, I know, un!

Me: *blushing* Eh-hm! Deidara, what are you doing?

Deidara: Isn't it obvious? Seducing Sasuke! He'll bend over for me, yeah!

Me: Deidara, this is not the next chapter, this is the author's comment.

Deidara: *confused* Oh… really? Uh… sorry. My mistake. *goes away*

Me: Well, this was quite a show, I'm sure the readers won't complain. *wipes drool from her face* However, now it's time for the disc-… Hey, Ita-chan! Where do you think you're going?

Itachi: Mmmmm…*runs after naked Deidara, drooling*

Me: Crap! Oh well, these morons belong to Kishi.


	14. Chapter 14

**Horny idiots ch. 14**

Warning: Silly beginning of the chapter, but then things go wild. Straight sex this time. In the next chapter I promise to give you more yaoi. Just like you, I can't live without it!

... ... ...

Sasuke was lying awake in the darkness, unable to fall asleep. He shifted in discomfort and almost fell off the bed. With a sigh of annoyance he moved closer to Itachi and clung to him. The sounds coming from across the bed hinted that Deidara probably had difficulty in falling asleep too. He was tossing and turning, but he didn't have Sasuke's luck. There was a loud thud. Sasuke laughed quietly when he heard Deidara falling on the floor, then cursing and climbing back to bed.

"What's so funny, duckhead?"

"No one's as clumsy as you, blondie. And stop showing disrespect to my hair."

"For god's sake, shut up, you two! You either shut up, or I'll kick both of you out of the bed."

Poor Itachi was trying to sleep, which was quite difficult with restless and quarreling Sasuke and Deidara, and a snoring Naruto right next to him.

They had been sleeping in this configuration for three days already. Itachi and Naruto were in the middle of the bed, and Sasuke and Deidara at the sides, as far as possible from each other with the other two between them for good measure. The last time they slept next to each other, which was right after the declaration of war between them, resulted in one hour dispute over the matter who was molesting who and who couldn't resist other one's hotness.

Now they were sleeping like this, Itachi and Naruto stuck together between them. This resulted in a very annoyed Itachi waking up every morning with Naruto all over him. He wasn't used to being tangled in Naruto's limbs every night. Well, it had happened before, but not every night. Unlike him, Naruto was getting more and more fond of their cuddling together, if one could call "cuddling" the state of being practically wrapped in Naruto.

Finally there was silence for more than two minutes and Itachi managed to fall asleep with Naruto almost on top of him. At first he had thought that the conflict between Sasuke and Deidara would be some amusing war of seduction, but so far the two of them were just quarreling and irritating each other, both of them trying to deny the obvious attraction between them.

Sasuke and Deidara were still awake, thinking about "war matters". The war was to the middle of nowhere, they were just doing silly things. Like Sasuke banging on the door of the bathroom and yelling "What are you doing there for a whole hour already, Deidara? Jacking off and thinking of me?" Or Deidara making clay figures of Sasuke in compromising positions.

Both of them sighed in the darkness. They had to get serious.

…

Sasuke and Deidara were not the only ones awake at such a late hour.

As Kakashi and Ebisu were staggering along the street after a night of heavy drinking, they saw some bluish light streaming from the window of the hokage's office.

"Naw way she workin' so late, maaan." Ebisu stumbled and almost fell, not looking where he was walking, eyes stuck to the hokage's window. "She damn lazy, the bitch."

A knowing smirk appeared on Kakashi's face and he tried to say something, but he was too drunk to form proper sentences. He tried again and managed to mumble one word.

"Porn!"

In her office, Tsunade was sitting at the desk, eyes glued to her comp, her face lit by the eerie bluish shine of the monitor.

"Time to see what's up on dA!" she exclaimed happily as she went to her deviantArt account. She typed her username "IRweaselhunter", then her password, and there she was. She checked her messages and squealed with delight when she saw that her favourite fanfic was updated.

"Yes! 'I. R. horny baboon' ch.5 by divineyaoiwriter! OMG, he finally updated!"

Tsunade started reading. When she was done, she faved it and started reading the comments and the replies:

~wannaberealboy

That was fun, lol, but I wish you could write I am Weasel/Pinocchio crossover.

~divineyaoiwriter

WTF? Dude, you're insane!

...

~gimmethemoney

Nice, but I don't get it why you let these idiots read for free. Take commissions, you moron!

~divineyaoiwriter

I do it for fun, not for money! And if you try to sell my comp again, you're dead!

...

*fuckyoufuckers

OMJ! Teh fuckin chapter was fuckin hot, ya motherfuckin genius!

~gimmethemoney

Since when you're wasting money for subscription you idiot?

...

~explosionofcuteness

yay this awesome I luv it! more plz XD

~divineyaoiwriter

Where the hell are you? How dare you leave the organization! Come back!

~explosionofcuteness

nope :P

...

~IamNOTafuckingweasel

This is the worst shit ever! You must get banned, you sick motherfucker!

~divineyaoiwriter

Itachi you fucking flamer! I know it's you! Stop reporting me dammit!

...

~WEEE

weeeeeee weeeeeee

~divineyaoiwriter

Damn you, Tobi! Stop spamming!

~WEEE

lololololololololololol weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

...

~KingofSmut

Huh! The sex scenes are ok, but the plot sucks!

~divineyaoiwriter

STFU Jiraiya I got more page views than you and you're envious.

~KingofSmut

You and your damn megalomania. This was constructive criticism, dude.

...

Tsunade typed a comment: "OMG awesome! I got a nosebleed again! Weasel was so hot! Poor poor Baboon's ass… And when they did it in that weird position… LMAO I luv all your fics! Can't wait for the next chapter, lol "

In a minute she got a reply: "Haha, you dirty perv, I knew you'd like it. By the way that pic of your boobs you posted was awesome! I wanna see your face too. Wanna meet me?"

Tsunade was amazed. She quickly typed "I thought you were gay! XD" Then she got the reply "In theory I am, but… Can't get your boobs out of my mind! *drools*"

The conversation went on for a little longer and it was decided. They were going to meet.

Even though she was about to get married, Tsunade didn't see a reason why not getting the chance for a night of hot screwing with a perverted stranger.

The guy was from some other village and they decided to meet on neutral territory and avoid asking each other uncomfortable questions. None of them had any idea of the other's identity. If it turned out they were enemies, they would have to forget that fact for one night.

It took Tsunade a lot of time to get to the place of their meeting. She knew nothing about the guy, apart from the fact that he was damn good at writing "I am Weasel" fanfiction and perverted enough to arise her interest.

There she was, finally in the small hotel in the middle of nowhere. She knew the room number and soon she was standing at the door. A little nervous and slightly blushing, she took a deep breath and entered.

Tsunade stiffened for a second, her voice stuck in her throat because of the shock. Then she squealed, her eyes widened at the sight of his Akatsuki cloak and his bright orange hair. The heavily pierced face was damn hot, but that fact didn't lessen her horror. She knew who that was. Apparently, he also could tell who she was. He squealed too, and made a few steps back, his jaw dropped.

"You… you… You're the damn hokage!"

Tsunade sat on the bed, her legs shaky, and slammed her fist on the mattress.

"Yeah, I'm the damn hokage and I'm so not supposed to screw Akatsuki's fucking leader, damn it!"

She lifted her gaze and saw him smirking. It was clear that Pein had recovered from the initial shock.

"Hokage or not, this doesn't make you less attractive. And it doesn't make me less interested."

(In my fic Pein is not exactly what he is in the manga, and he has a nice, warm, living body cause I don't like the idea of Tsunade screwing some sort of a zombie. See author's comment for further explanation. Sorry for interrupting.)

Tsunade was just sitting on the bed, shaking her head in regret. He was really hot, damn him, but getting involved with Akatsuki in such a wrong way… She was hokage, she couldn't go that far. However, Pein seemed to see things differently.

Whatever rational thoughts he might have had, gradually all of his attention was drawn by the two huge globes hidden under Tsunade's garment.

Tsunade let her gaze drop to the floor, staring blankly in front of her. She felt so frustrated she wanted to die. 'That's what you get for being hokage,' she thought angrily, 'You're supposed to have proper behaviour, not drinking too much, not screwing the wrong people, blah! It's so unfa…'

Her thoughts were interrupted by two hands that grabbed her breasts. She lifted her eyes to meet Pein's eager expression.

"I've been waiting for this ever since you posted that photo!" he said, his voice weak from excitement.

For a second Tsunade was stunned. There she was, sitting on an old creaking bed in a trashy hotel, her breasts clutched in the fingers of no other but Akatsuki's leader. She stared at him wide-eyed, then she yanked his hands.

"Don't touch, or I'll smash your head in the wall!" she snarled at him.

"Aw, come on, remember what we decided? To forget who we are for one night."

"No way! Not in these circumstances. I can't do such a thing!" Tsunade yelled, got up and strode to the door.

"Wait."

She reached for the door knob, but stopped and turned around to face him.

"Forget it. I told you there's no way we…"

She lost her voice for a moment when a strange force drew her towards him. All she wanted was to leave. She couldn't fight him and try to kill him right now. She was supposed to do it, but she was too confused. And she felt very unwilling to kill someone who wrote such good BaboonxWeasel and who was so hot. Bishies were made for fucking and not for killing, this was her philosophy. But he dared to use his jutsu on her. At first she thought he might be trying to attack her.

The force pulled her, Tsunade flew across the room and landed right into his arms. She stared at him breathless. He held her tight, arms around her waist, her breasts pressed against his chest.

"Are you sure you don't want it?"

She held her breath for a second and didn't answer. They were close enough and she could feel how sure he was about what he wanted. He was pretty big, judging from the hardness that was poking her through his clothes.

"Well… n-not sure at all…" she mumbled.

He laughed quietly and she sighed, their breath mingled, his face just an inch away from hers.

Suddenly he pushed her away.

"Just you wait to see what I have under the cloak," he said with a grin and started unbuttoning the black and red outfit.

Tsunade stood there, eyes fixed on him and following the movements of his hands. He was done and his cloak hung open.

"OMG!" she yelped.

Beneath the cloak… he was wearing Baboon's signature white T-shirt with I.R printed upside down.

"Where did you get this? I want one too! Gods, you look so hot in it!" Tsunade yelled frantically, her fingers twitching. She was dying to have an I.R. Baboon T-shirt.

"It's yours, if you stay here tonight."

She went closer to him, her fingers played with the hem of the shirt. Too irresistible. He had been too irresistible from the moment she saw him, and now this was just too much for her.

She let out a low howl.

He pulled her closer again, with his hands this time, not the weird jutsu, and held her firmly in his embrace. At first she tried to struggle, but then gave it up.

"I can't… fight it anymore…" her voice was barely a whisper, her body went limp in his arms.

"Then don't fight it."

She lifted her face up just in time to meet his lips with her own. The heat of the moment cleared her head from all thoughts, everything went in a blur, his fiery hair, his fiery kiss, his hot hands caressing her body, and finally she surrendered completely.

He pulled away and smirked down at her. "I knew it." Then he did a similar jutsu, but this time the force pushed her away from him and threw her in the bed. Pein took off his cloak and crawled over her.

She snapped out of the haziness that blurred her mind. The way he was just tossing her around the room pissed her off. She grasped him by the shirt, pushed him off of her and slammed him on the mattress with such force that she knocked the air out of his lungs. If she had done it with a little more power, she would have shoved him through the mattress, the bed, and the floor, and into the room below theirs.

Pein looked a bit surprised. He had to remember it was the fifth hokage he was dealing with.

She was on top of him, grinding into his body and looking at him with hungry eyes. He tried to roll them over, but her strength was immense and she was mercilessly pinning him down.

"Don't think you can do to me whatever you want," she snarled.

"Why not? I bet you'll let me."

"You're too cocky."

"Cocky indeed." He thrust his hips up to grind his erection into her. She moaned and her eyes fluttered closed. Pein used this moment of distraction, pushed her, and finally managed to roll them over. Tsunade found herself on her back, her breasts jiggling from the sudden movement. Pein looked at her heaving chest and buried his face in the soft flesh.

"Mmmm, they're so big, do you want something cocky between them?"

"Damn bastard!" she panted, shuddering at the feeling of his wet tongue on her skin.

He tugged her clothes until he managed to bare her breasts. She arched and moaned quietly when he took a nipple in his mouth.

"I bet everyone in Konoha is dreaming about these," Pein whispered and sucked the other nipple.

Tsunade was squirming, she could still feel his hard cock rubbing into her and it was driving her crazy. She wanted to touch it.

His tongue was giving her wonderful sensations, but she summoned her will and pushed him away. She gripped his throat and slammed him on the bed again, quickly getting on top of him.

"You just can't stand to be on the bottom, right?" Pein said, his voice weak and hoarse because she was still clutching his throat.

"Shut up." Tsunade let him go and started unzipping his pants. She took out what she wanted and her fingers wrapped tightly around the thick shaft.

Pein moaned and looked at her, his eyes half-lidded. She slowly moved her hand up and down, smirking at the expression on his face.

"You like this?"

Another moan was the only answer she got.

"How about this?" She gathered chakra in her palm to enhance his sensations. There were many things people could do with such excellent chakra control as hers. She had to teach Sakura some of these things. Her poor pink-haired apprentice still had no idea what being a medical ninja really meant.

"What the…" Pein trembled, his eyes went wide. "Aaaaah, what are you… nhhhh… that feels great!"

He let her pleasure him a little longer, while he was quickly estimating all the opportunities.

"Can you gather chakra in your tongue?" he asked.

"I can." She gave him a wicked look.

He pushed himself up to a sitting position and moved away from her, then he quickly took off his pants and underwear. She was watching him, a smile of amusement curving her lips.

He sat in the bed, his legs slightly spread.

"Suck it," he commanded. "No wait, you get naked first, and then you suck it."

"No." She laughed at his impatience.

"Damn you!" He grabbed her hair and roughly pulled her head down. In the next moment she had gripped his wrist, squeezing it hard. He groaned and her blond strands slipped through his fingers.

"You damn, wicked, woman!"

Tsunade started undressing slowly, while Pein was glaring at her, rubbing his wrist. When she was completely nude, his look changed from angry to hungry and his gaze went up and down her body.

She leaned over him, her lips getting closer and closer to his dick.

"Now that's how it feels if I lick you with chakra in my tongue," she whispered.

"Aaaaaah… aaaa… oh god… ohhh" Pein was writhing like mad, his cock trapped in Tsunade's mouth.

"Don't come yet." She pulled away and laughed mockingly.

Pein was shivering, his fingers still clutching the bed sheets. He gave her a wild glare, still breathless, his heart pounding.

"You…" he said with a growl, raising a trembling hand toward her. "You… you evil…"

In the next moment she flew across the room, knocking over a table and some chairs.

"Don't you dare use that jutsu on me again!" she yelled, sprawled on the floor among the mess. She grabbed one of the knocked chairs and angrily threw it against the wall, breaking it to shreds and leaving a crack in the wall.

In the next moment Pein was next to her.

"You bossy bitch!" He grabbed her hair and dragged her back to the bed. A kick in his stomach surprised him and he fell to his knees.

"So you like it rough, huh?" Tsunade stood up and her gaze fell on his Akatsuki cloak. She got a funny idea and went to pick it up. Pein looked at her with amazement when he saw her put it on. She left it unbuttoned and turned toward him, her naked breasts sticking out in the front.

"How do I look?"

"Gorgeous," he muttered and went to her. She pulled his I R Baboon shirt up, took it off of him, folded it carefully and put it aside. Then she leaned and licked his nipple, chakra still concentrated in her tongue.

"Aaaah" he writhed, barely able to stand on his feet. Then she claimed his lips and kissed him wildly. It felt almost like an electroshock, but a heavenly and blissful one, yet with intensity that was on the brink of torture.

Pein fell to the floor again. It took him a minute to regain his composure.

When he stood up, his eyes were gleaming with ferocious hunger.

"Suck me again!" He reached for her hair, but she pulled away.

"Don't mess with me, damn bitch. On your knees!"

Pein managed to grab her arm and twist it behind her back. He forced her down to the floor, then he gripped her head firmly and shoved her face in his crotch.

"Suck me!" he yelled.

"If you say so." She gave him a quick, mischievous look before taking him in her mouth.

"Damn… ooohhhh"

Pein almost fainted. He summoned all his will and stamina and hissed through gritted teeth "Keep going."

Tsunade changed the flow of chakra and decreased a little the intensity of the sensation she was giving him, in order to make it bearable. She didn't want him to faint, after all.

Pein managed to calm down, still shuddering. He looked down at her, now being able to truly enjoy the blowjob. She was damn good with her tongue, with chakra or not, licking him all over and taking him deep in her mouth. Then she sent some chakra to her fingers and patted his balls, which made him squeal and close his eyes for a moment. She was driving him crazy.

He forced himself to keep his eyes open and watch her. She looked so good, kneeling in front of him, wearing his cloak, her breasts delightfully poking out, her eyes half-lidded, and her lips wrapped tightly around his dick.

"Ooooh… this is a sight to behold. I wish I had a camera," he muttered in bliss. "Just think about it. The fifth hokage, wearing an Akatsuki cloak, on her knees in front of the Akatsuki's leader, taking his cock so deep in her throat."

He thrust his hips forward, going deeper in her mouth. "Mmmm, it makes me feel powerful."

She stopped sucking and looked up at him.

"Oh really? Do you want me to show you what else would be a great sight to behold?"

Pein's mind was still blurred from the pleasure and his reactions were slow. He could have seen it coming, but he didn't. Before he knew what was going on, his hands were tied up with his cloak, Tsunade was sitting on the bed, and he was lying over her lap with his face down, his naked ass sticking out in the air.

"You've been very naughty. Lately I hear such things," Tsunade said. Pein's eyes widened in surprise when he felt a firm slap on his ass.

"Chasing tailed beasts and causing a mess with that troublesome organization of yours… Naughty boy!" Her palm slapped him hard again.

"Though I must admit that trying to make Ita-chan wear a weasel costume was a brilliant idea, I must give you credit for that. Too bad you failed. However, apart from that, you've been…" she made a short pause, then she slammed her hand on his ass and yelled "Naughty!"

"Do you still wish we had a camera, huh? It would be great to have on tape how the fifth hokage is spanking Akatsuki's naughty leader, don't you think? I can see the rest of the organization chatting cheerfully and eating popcorn while watching it."

"Damn bitch! You… aaah…" Pein hissed through gritted teeth, but couldn't finish his sentence as he felt another hard slap.

Tsunade was getting fierce, liking the nice red colour his ass had obtained.

"Now you really look like Baboon." She laughed evilly.

SLAP!

"Owwwwww, that hurts!"

"Aww, the badass ninja is whining. It's a bad ass, indeed, a bad, naughty ass, and I'm going to give it such a good spanking!"

Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap…

"You motherfucking hokage bitch!"

"You dare disrespect me? Hm, now I'll show you who the bitch is." Tsunade gripped one ass cheek, squeezed it hard, shook it and then gave it a hard slap.

"You think you're the evil villain? Now I'll show you who's evil. Your morons dare to enter my territory and attack my people, and try to take my precious Naruto… well, he's sort of asking for it, but that's not the point… And you people dare to attack my even more precious Gaara and almost kill him, though I can understand why you fucked him first. He's so fuckable indeed, the damn cute thing, but that's not the point either! What I'm saying is that now you'll get your punishment!"

Tsunade licked her finger and waved it in front of Pein's face, her expression getting furious.

"You see this? Now get ready to squirm and howl in ecstasy and agony, you little bitch!"

Pein saw how she was gathering chakra in the tip of her finger and a dreadful suspicion crossed his mind. The dreadful suspicion was confirmed when the finger went deep into his ass.

"Now let me hear you scream," Tsunade said with a vicious grin and pressed her fingertip right into his sweet spot.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… you h-have no m-mercy… aaaaaaaaaaaa…"

"I won't stop even if you beg for it, but I'm sure that right now you can't decide if you want to beg me to stop and never touch you again, or to keep going and never stop."

"You horrible sadist… aaaah"

"Mmm, you like it?" she was pressing and rubbing with her finger. "And how about this?" She started alternating the intensity of the chakra flow. Pein was screaming at the top of his voice, not knowing if this was the most wonderful or the most tormenting thing he had ever felt.

"You're just about to come, aren't you? What if I stop now?" Tsunade laughed and took her finger out. Pein let out a desperate little whine, his voice so thin that it made her laugh again.

"Ah, I knew it." She circled his entrance a few times with her fingertip before shoving her finger inside and proceeding with her sweet torture.

Pein held his breath in anticipation. He could sense more chakra flowing to her finger. She was going to either send him straight to heaven, or overload his brain and kill him.

Once again he was screaming at the top of his voice, quivering and jerking, then his body went limp.

Tsunade slapped his ass one more time, then carefully placed him to lie on the bed. She dipped her finger in his cum and licked it.

"Mmm, nice, but I'm not done with you yet."

Pein was slowly regaining consciousness and his eyes fluttered open. He saw Tsunade leaning over him, green chakra glowing in her palms. At first he froze in terror, but then he realized that she was doing her best to recover him quickly.

"There. Now you're ready for more fun."

He sat in the bed. He had his strength back and he was feeling all right, but the memory of what she had just done to him made him shiver. This woman was a real devil.

Pein looked at her. He had to think quickly, or she would come up with another wicked idea. He had to distract her with something, before she did another awful thing to him.

Tsunade was smiling at him so nicely, that there was no doubt she had something dreadful on her mind.

Pein pushed her to fall in the bed, gripped her ankles and lifted her legs. Then he spread them wide and pressed his face between her thighs.

"Screw your damn chakra, now you'll see what can be done with only skills and talent!" he yelled and buried his tongue in her folds.

She squirmed wildly, which made her huge breasts bounce. Pein lifted his gaze up to look at them, then he concentrated on his task.

Shivers and sparks of pleasure rushed all over Tsunade's body as this miraculous tongue was delving into her.

'He certainly knows what he's doing,' she thought before losing herself in the pleasure.

She was shivering and breathless, and Pein decided it was time for action. He lay on top of her, between her widely spread legs.

"Now take it, bitch," he said and slid into her. He made a few slow thrusts, then he looked in her eyes.

"I bet you can gather chakra down there too, am I right?"

She nodded. "I can. I can make you come in three seconds, or last for three hours before you come, or I can make you come so many times that in the end you'll forget even your own name. You're a toy in my hands."

Pein sighed.

"I'm ready!" he said with determination and started slamming her hard.

She was doing all kinds of dirty tricks, and he was not falling behind, surprising her with unexpected moves, and as a result both of them were coming again and again.

"Enough of this," Tsunade said, her legs trembling and waving in the air. "Now I want it from behind."

He bent her over. "From behind, huh?" He thought for a second, choosing from the two holes, then the tip of his cock pressed into her ass. "I bet you like it there."

"You're damn right!" Tsunade panted and leaned forward, bracing herself for the hard slams.

"Mmm, what would all Konoha people say if they could see you now? The fifth hokage and Akatsuki's…"

"It's in your interest to shut the fuck up! Keep quiet, or you'll get in trouble!" Tsunade hissed.

Pein remembered what happened the last time when he went too far with his teasing, and thought it was wise to keep his mouth shut this time.

Both of them were sweating, the sheets were soaked with all kinds of juices, but none of them was willing to stop.

"Let me ride you," Tsunade said and climbed on top of him. Then she started bouncing with all her might, the bed and the whole room shaking violently. At some point there was a loud cracking sound and they felt like everything beneath them was crashing.

"I think we just broke the bed."

"Who cares, keep going."

Somehow they managed to end the whole thing before the floor broke too.

At last they were finished and they lay exhausted in the middle of what looked like a battlefield.

"You know, now when everything's over, I'm supposed to kill you, but I'm too tired and I'll just go home. Man, why Konoha has to be so far from here?"

"Yeah, same here. I have no idea how I'll drag myself all the way back to the hideout."

"Now you'll give me the Baboon shirt as you promised."

"Fine. Whatever. But I'm warning you that we'll meet again. In your village there's something blond that should belong to me. And I'm not talking about your precious Naruto."

After both of them left, the owner of the hotel called the maid.

"Go clean room 6, but be careful. These two looked suspicious, you know, like the kind that always forget in the room exploding tags, shuriken and shit like this. And all the loud noise they made… I have a bad feeling about this. I really hate shinobi."

The maid rushed to the room and in a few minutes she came back. The owner looked at her expectantly. She sighed.

"The room is completely ruined. Obviously it was ninja sex. Again. I guess both of them were S-rank, judging from the condition of the room and the amount of fluids. A low rank shinobi just can't come so many times and stay alive."

"Oh man! S-rank sex is the worst. They'll blow up the whole building some day. I really hate shinobi! Damn it! I'll start to sue these people!"

…

When Tsunade went back, she found a very angry Gaara sitting on her chair in the hokage office.

"Where have you been? Shizune is looking for you for hours! I had to do all of your paperwork. And look at you! You're a mess. You were screwing other men again, weren't you? We're getting married and you're waving your ass all around Konoha and who knows where else! You fucked someone, didn't you?"

Tsunade gave him a naughty look.

"I did. And I don't see a problem with it."

"Damn it! Who was he?"

"Oh, sweety, it was Akatsuki's leader. He has fucked you, so you and I are even. See? I told you there was nothing to worry about."

'Damn! She has a point,' Gaara thought.

Tsunade went to him and patted his head. "There, there. Do you want me to show you what I did to him?"

Gaara blushed and nodded.

In the next few hours people could hear loud screams coming from the hokage's office. And they didn't see anything unusual in this. In the end Tsunade appeared with half-conscious Gaara in her arms, his face flushed, drool dripping from his mouth. No one saw anything unusual in that either. Izumo and Kotetsu watched Tsunade exiting the building and whined in despair.

"She always leaves the whole mess for us to clean, damn it! Shizune, where are you? We need you to help us with something."

**to be continued**

... ... ...

**Author's comment**

If you're still reading the story after all that time with no updates, thank you and sorry for making you wait for so long. I missed so much writing this fic. Not updating it made me very unhappy too.

Also, do not try ninja sex at home, or your mom will be mad at you when she finds the house leveled to the ground.

If there are any real people out there who have usernames like those mentioned in the fic, this is a coincidence and it has nothing to do with these people. In the fic these are usernames of Tsunade, Pein, Sasori, Kakuzu, Hidan, Deidara, Itachi, Tobi, and Jiraiya.

And about Pein. Like I said, I'm not fond of what he is in the manga. So just imagine that Yahiko was the one with the rinnegan, he didn't die and it was him who became the evil psychopath, and not Nagato. Or something like that. And Nagato… well, he was a lousy whiny bitch, he crawled under a rock and died. Uh… oh well, if there are any Nagato fans out there… Well, then he just escaped to a far away place, became a porn star and lived happily ever after. See how nice I am?

So, what we have here is a hot Yahiko who likes piercings. Mmmm, Yahiko… For some reason I find him too appealing.

Itachi: I agree!

Me: And he looks so fuckable, right, Ita-chan?

Itachi: I agree!

Me: And now you'll say the disclaimer, right, Ita-chan?

Itachi: I don't remember ever agreeing with such a thing!

Me: Ah, it took you 14 chapters to realize that. Whatever. I'll pretend I didn't hear that and I'll ask you again in the next chapter. And now Pein will say the disclaimer.

Pein: You can't make me do it!

Me: Pein, sweetheart, do you know that Tsunade told me how to gather chakra in my fingertip?

Pein: Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto! Did everyone understand? I can say it again. Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. See? I said it. I said it!

Me: See, Ita-chan? That's how it's done. You should follow his example. Ita-chan? Are you even listening? No, don't go away!

Pein: I think he went to ask Tsunade to help him improve his chakra control.

Me: Ita-chaaaan! You're following the wrong example!


	15. Chapter 15

**Horny idiots Ch. 15**

warning: Scream with joy, people, your yaoi is here

... ... ...

Sasuke and Deidara were at the table, having breakfast and exchanging death glares. A few minutes later Itachi appeared with a half-asleep Naruto hanging on his neck.

"I don't get it why every morning it has to be so difficult to remove him from me. Hey, Uzumaki, wake up, damn it!"

All his efforts went in vain, it was as if Naruto had tied his arms around him.

"Oh well. Apparently we're going in the shower together."

A moment later Sasuke and Deidara could hear a desperate yell coming from the bathroom.

"Ouch, Itachi-san, the water is freezing coooold!"

Deidara laughed and Sasuke threw at him a defiant glare.

"Maybe you need a cold shower too. You're blushing whenever you look at me."

The laughter stopped. There was a short silent moment and then a smirk crept on Deidara's face.

"Maybe you want to get in the shower with me?"

"You wish. You're dreaming about my cock fucking you."

"I wouldn't let you touch my ass even if you begged me, un."

"You already did."

"You idiot! Well, you're the one who was begging me to fuck you harder, remember?"

"I didn't know it was you, damn it!" Sasuke was losing his temper. The last thing he wanted was to be reminded of that pitiful experience.

"Ah, now don't make up stupid excuses."

"Moron!" Sasuke was in the process of spreading strawberry jam on his toast, but he stopped. The hand he was holding the knife with was shaking with anger. He placed the knife on the table, grabbed the toast and threw it at Deidara. It hit him in the face and slid down, leaving a trail of strawberry jam on his cheek.

"Oh, now you want to make me dirty. Well, I guess you really want to get naked with me in the shower." Deidara lifted a hand to his face, the palm mouth licking the jam off his cheek.

Sasuke couldn't help but stare at the movements of the long tongue on Deidara's soft skin.

"You want a taste?"

"Go to hell!"

At that moment Itachi entered the kitchen, followed by shivering Naruto.

"Jeez, I leave you two alone for five minutes and you start playing with the food. Now if you're planning to lick each other…"

"No!" Deidara and Sasuke yelled at the same time.

"Fine. I don't mind having Deidara with strawberry jam for breakfast. " Itachi leaned and made a long lick across Deidara's face. "Mmm, delicious."

Sasuke eyed them with irritation. He was reluctant to admit it, but he did want to have a taste.

"Well, now that you made me sticky with that strawberry jam, I'll have to take another shower," Deidara said and stood up. Everyone stuck their gaze to him when he started pulling his shirt up. He took it off and tossed it to the floor, throwing defiant glares at Sasuke.

"Hn" Sasuke looked away, but soon his eyes drifted back to Deidara's body.

Deidara stripped himself completely.

"Well, I'm going in the bathroom," he said with a naughty wiggle of his naked butt and headed to the door.

'The damn idiot!" Sasuke hissed through gritted teeth, his erection stretching his pants.

"You have a problem, Sasuke?" Itachi didn't even try to hide the mocking smirk. These two were merely making fools of themselves with their so called war.

"Naruto?" Sasuke ignored Itachi and turned to the blond. "Are you hungry?"

Naruto nodded, still slightly shivering from the effect of the freezing water.

"Good. Then get on your knees."

"Huh?"

"Naruto! Under the table. Fucking now!"

"All right, all right, though I'd rather have some ramen."

Naruto crawled on the floor in front of Sasuke's chair. He sat there with a sigh and Sasuke impatiently shoved his cock in his mouth.

"I don't know how you can stand him, Itachi. Was he so annoying all the time while you were in Akatsuki? What a jerk." Sasuke started spreading strawberry jam on another toast. "I mean he's so obnoxious, noisy and stupid, that damn Deidara."

"Well, Sasuke, I could say the same thing about a certain someone under the table."

"You don't get my point, Itachi, what I'm saying is… ahhh… Yeah, Naru, just like that, keep going. So, where was I? Right. Naruto is cutely stupid, and that moron Deidara is… ouch, don't bite me, damn it."

From under the table could be heard an apologetic moan and a few slurred words, explaining something about Naruto being hungry and complaining about the lack of ramen.

"Your stupid ramen can wait. So, I'm telling you, Itachi, the bastard is getting on my nerves."

"Yeah right, Sasuke, like I'm damn happy to sleep wrapped in Uzumaki every night because of your stupid war with Dei. Stop complaining already."

"Are you… oooh… on his side? Very nice, Itachi, very nice, and I thought you cared about me." Sasuke finished covering the toast with jam and bit it fiercely.

"You know, Sasuke, you sound too displeased for a person who is eating sweet stuff while receiving a blowjob. Come on, life is not that bad."

"I know, just… aaaah." Sasuke was trying to pour water in his glass, but his hand shook and he splashed the water all over the table. "What I'm saying is… aaaah… Holy shit, I'm coming. Ooooooh."

Itachi was smirking while Sasuke was writhing and clawing the table. In a minute Naruto's face appeared, cum dripping from his mouth.

"Can I have ramen now?"

"Yeah."

Itachi and Sasuke both sighed at the sight of Naruto's wide idiotic grin.

In the bathroom Deidara was having a difficult time.

'Damn!' he thought. 'Why he has to be so damn hot when he's angry? Uh, that glare of his makes me shiver.'

Deidara looked down. 'No way! Why the bastard makes me hard every time I hear his cold voice and look at his cruel eyes? He reminds me of Itachi so much. I hate him!'

Deidara stared at his erection for a while. 'I'm not going to jack off because of him, damn it!'

He stared at it for another few minutes almost as if waiting for it to tell him a way out of the situation. However, it didn't say anything and just swayed from side to side, swollen, throbbing and mercilessly hard.

'Damn, I don't want to get blue balls either,' Deidara thought with a sigh and his hand descended to his cock. He started stroking it slowly, desperately trying to chase the image of naked Sasuke away from his mind.

When he came, he noticed that Sasuke's name was almost on his lips.

'Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!' Deidara slammed his fist on the wall a few times, fiercely biting his lip.

Sasuke was in the hall when a furious Deidara dashed out of the bathroom. They stared at each other for a second. Sasuke felt something stir in his pants at the sight of naked Deidara with only a towel tightly clinging to his butt. Deidara's damp skin was glistening, wet blond locks falling across his face, something wild in his eyes. He turned around abruptly, his hair swayed and splashed water around him.

A few water drops fell on Sasuke's face and made him shiver. 'Damn!' he thought. 'This bastard makes me so horny I can't stand it.'

Deidara disappeared in the bedroom. When he dried himself, he went to the closet. Contemplating for a moment, he finally took out his Akatsuki cloak. He had seen Sasuke asking Itachi to wear his, apparently it was a turn on for the younger Uchiha. Maybe the cloak somehow made Itachi look even more evil. Yeah, black and red was hot.

Deidara put it on, not wearing anything under it and leaving it open. 'I'll make him so hot for me that he'll have no other choice but come to me and beg me to fuck him. Damn him, he was moaning like a little whore when I nailed his butt, he wants me!'

Deidara sprawled himself on the bed and adjusted the cloak so that it was revealing most of his body.

A few minutes later unsuspecting Sasuke entered the room. At the sight of Deidara he yelped and stopped in his tracks. That cloak, combined with the cocky smirk of a guy evil and crazy enough to kill numerous people and blow up things all over the place, was the kind of stimulation that could make Sasuke want to bend over, spread his cheeks and beg for a hard fuck.

'The bastard!' his poor mind screamed. 'He knows about my fetish!'

"Do you want something, Sasu-chan?"

"I want you to die!" Sasuke screamed, his voice unusually thin, then he ran out of the room. In the hall he leaned against the wall, panting. Panic gripped him when he looked at the growing erection that was treacherously forming a huge tent in his pants.

"No! Stop! Go down, damn it! Shit!" He waved his arms helplessly, looking down in despair. "Disappear now! Oh, this can't be happening!"

"Eh-hm."

Sasuke turned around jumpily. Itachi was laughing at his freaked out face.

"Why are you talking to your pants, Sasuke?"

Sasuke's face got red.

"Oh…" Itachi looked at the bulge in his pants. "So you're talking to it. Sorry for interrupting your undoubtedly interesting conversation." He started walking away, but Sasuke pulled him by the sleeve.

"Itachi! Help me!"

"Hm, let me see. You're turned on because of Deidara, you're desperately denying this fact, and what you need is a cock in the ass. Why should I help you?"

"Itachi, don't leave me in this state! You can't do this to me!"

"Your pride is doing this to you. If you can't ask Dei, deal with this problem by yourself." Saying this, Itachi walked away and Sasuke slid to the floor in a miserable heap.

Naruto almost walked over him and stumbled on his way to the bedroom.

"Sasu, this is not the right place for a nap."

When Naruto went in the room, what he saw was Deidara in all his evil glory. He stared at him for a while in silence. Whenever he saw Itachi in his Akatsuki cloak, he found him even more intimidating. Now he realized the cloak had similar effect on Deidara, even though no one could match Itachi's wickedness.

"Wow, Dei-chan. You look awesome like that." His blue eyes were taking in every detail.

"Really? Why don't you come closer?"

Deidara was in a seme mood and he needed to fuck something, no matter if it was Sasuke or not.

Naruto climbed on the bed and Deidara pounced on him. He didn't waste time to undress him, just pulled his pants to his knees and made him lie face down, his naked butt sticking out in the air. Naruto felt a wet palm tongue parting his cheeks and sliding into him, Deidara's fingers rubbing his crack. Then Deidara's body covered him and he felt a hard and profusely slicked with saliva cock enter him. Deidara had done a good job with his other palm mouth.

"Yeah, take it," Deidara hissed in his ear, pushing deeper into him. It felt good, so good to be on top of someone and slam his ass with all your force. It made Deidara feel powerful.

In the hall Sasuke gritted his teeth when he heard Naruto's moans and whimpers of pleasure. The stupid blond was getting it hard while he had to stay deprived. Damn idiots.

Sasuke tried to come up with some plan how to get a cock. Maybe when Deidara and Naruto finished screwing, he could make Naruto give him a good fuck up the ass. However, Deidara seemed to be insatiable and it became apparent that the whole thing was going to take long.

Sasuke was wandering pointlessly around the house, his erection aching and making him shudder every time his movements pressed it too hard against the cloth of his pants.

He didn't want to look too desperate, but all he could do was ask Itachi again. He found him in the living-room.

"Itachi…"

"What is it?" Itachi lifted his gaze from the Cosmopolitan in his hands. Neji had called him earlier to tell him about this wonderful article that described the five basic things you need if you want to maintain the shine of your hair.

"Itachiii…" Sasuke's whine and his pathetic expression made it obvious what he wanted.

"No."

"Please!"

"No."

"Pleeease."

"Sasuke, I'm reading. Don't interrupt me."

"You cold-hearted bastard!"

"Yeah, I know, that's why you like me."

"Itachiii"

"I said no."

"But I want it sooooo bad!"

"No." Itachi's voice didn't falter, but he was trying to hide his growing erection with the magazine.

"Fuck me."

"Get out of here."

"Damn you!"

Sasuke stormed out of the room. He could use one of the vibrators, but right now he wanted a warm body slapping against his own at every thrust. He wanted the real thing.

He went near the bedroom door and strained his ears.

"Dei-chan, I can't take it anymore."

"Then turn around and suck me, un."

Sasuke clenched his fists and went away. It was unbearable. From the bedroom came Deidara's moan as he was coming in Naruto's throat.

"Keep sucking. Make me hard again."

Sasuke lost all hope. He went back and sheepishly opened the living-room door.

Itachi was in the same place as before. "Yeah, this nail-polish looks good, though it's a bit expensive," he was muttering to himself.

"I-Itachi…"

"Now what? "

"Can't you at least…"

"No."

"Aw, come on, just a quickie."

"What did he do to make you so extremely horny?"

"The… the Akatsuki cloak…"

"Haha, clever guy." As annoying as their war was, Itachi was amused to follow the development of events.

"Itachi please!"

"No."

In the next moment Sasuke threw himself at Itachi's feet.

"Have some mercy!"

Itachi closed the magazine and placed it on the couch.

"Mercy? You deserve a punishment for disturbing my reading."

"Fine, whatever you want, just fuck me."

"Show me how desperate you are."

"What?"

"Find something around here and fuck yourself with it."

"But I want you!"

"I won't touch you, if you don't do what I tell you."

Some time later Sasuke was kneeling on the floor naked and panting, a variety of vegetables, bottles and other elongated objects scattered around him.

"Isn't it enough, Itachi?" he whined, pulled the sticky cucumber out of his ass and tossed it aside.

"You're so funny, Sasuke. Why are you holding it?"

"I don't want these things to make me come, I want your cock."

"Entertain me some more and you might get it."

Poor Sasuke bent over again, his ass turned towards Itachi, his legs spread, his head resting on the floor. With one hand he gripped one of his ass cheeks and pulled it to open himself, and with the other he took the well-oiled cucumber again. Itachi watched the thick vegetable stretch him and disappear in his ass.

"Move it faster."

"I can't, it will make me come."

"Then shove it deeper and fondle your balls with your other hand."

"This will make me come too."

"You're so pathetic."

"Itachiii"

"All right, then start taking it out completely, and then pushing only the tip inside. I like to watch how it stretches you when it's going in. Show me how your ass opens to let it in."

Sasuke did as he was told and Itachi grunted approvingly. After a few minutes of this, Itachi stopped him.

"Now I want you to do the same with my cock. Come here and straddle my legs with your back turned to me. If you can resist the urge to impale yourself fully and you manage to fuck your ass on my cock like this until I tell you to stop, you'll get the hard fuck you want. If you can't hold it and hurry to shove all of my cock inside before I allow you, I'll force you to suck me off, I'll come in your mouth and you won't get anything."

In his anger Sasuke broke the cucumber in two.

"Itachi, you're cruel!"  
"I don't care. Come here."

Sasuke straddled him obediently. His whole body shivered when the smooth head of Itachi's cock entered his ass. It took all his will not to let it slide deeper. He pulled up and it went out. Then he repeated the action again. It was a real torture. Every time he felt it stretch him he wanted to swallow the whole thick shaft in, but he knew he shouldn't.

Itachi felt immense pleasure as he was observing Sasuke going through this. He was rubbing his ass cheeks, squeezing them and spreading them open to see better what was going on.

"Itachi, fuck me already!" Sasuke was letting out miserable whimpers as he was teasing his ass with the tip of Itachi's cock.

"Just a little longer. I like seeing you like this… oooh, what are you doing?"

"You didn't say I couldn't do this."

Sasuke was deliberately squeezing the head of Itachi's cock every time it entered him.

"You little bastard!" Itachi was too horny himself. It was getting difficult for him to hold his urges.

"You like that, nii-san?" Sasuke looked over his shoulder to give Itachi a sly look.

"Damn you!"

Itachi gripped Sasuke's hips and roughly pulled him down. His cock went inside to the hilt.

"Oh yessss" Sasuke hissed, throwing his head back and grinding his ass into Itachi.

"Ride me."

Sasuke lifted himself up and slid down again, taking in the cock very slowly and marveling at the sensation every inch of hard flesh gave him.

After a few more slow thrust he started a rhythm that surprised even Itachi with the force and the speed of the slams.

"Sasuke, you'll break my dick," Itachi said, breathless.

"Serves you right, bastard!" Sasuke stopped just to squeeze him hard, and then he continued the wild ride.

"Aaahhh, so good." Sasuke was shuddering and coming, but he didn't stop impaling himself. He continued to fuck himself on Itachi's cock until he came again.

"Get off of me, it hurts!"

"No, Itachi, you'll get me off one more time."

"Sasuke stop, I'll do you with my fingers."

"Do yourself."

"Uhh, come on, stop. It's painful, damn it!"

"I'll stop if you promise to let me watch you fuck yourself with that cucumber."

"You broke it in half in your anger, remember?"

"Then you'll use the other one that's thicker."

"Damn."

A few minutes later a very satisfied Sasuke was sprawled on the couch, observing with great interest the cucumber's invasion in Itachi's ass.

"Sasuke! This is ridiculous! I want to stop!"

"Just a little longer, Itachi, I like seeing you like this. If you can make yourself come this way, I promise not to tell Naruto and Deidara how good you look with a cucumber sticking out of your ass."

"I hate you!"

**to be continued**

**... ... ...**

**Author's comment**

Me: You know, Ita-chan, I was thinking about our readers. These people are drooling, losing blood and probably doing all kinds of dirty stuff in front of their comps while reading, surely they get tired and hungry. I think it was a great idea to make a small party for them in the author's comment and offer some snacks.

Itachi: Yeah. Well, today we have Deidara with strawberry jam. Everyone, enjoy your meal.

Me: *makes a pause and gives all the fangirls (and maybe fanboys, I hope) some time to picture in their minds how they lick Deidara all over*

Itachi: You know, maybe I'm a bit hungry too.

Sasuke: Eat a cucumber, bastard!

Me: I hope Deidara was really delicious. I would offer the readers to have a lollypop, but Itachi's dick still hurts because of Sasuke.

Sasuke: *glaring at the writer* Why is she wearing an Akatsuki cloak?

Itachi: Maybe she's hoping for something, Sasuke. It seems everyone knows about your fetish.

Naruto: Wow, look! She's wearing an Akatsuki cloak! *a bulge is rising in his pants*

Me: *gives Naruto annoyed glare* I wasn't hoping for that!

Deidara: Phew, these fangirls were ferocious.

Me: Well, now someone has to say the disclaimer. Where's Itachi?

Naruto: He saw a cucumber and ran away terrified.

Sasuke: I hope this won't lead to fits of cucumber panic.

Me: Oh well, all the eye candy a.k.a characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto.


	16. Chapter 16

**Horny idiots ch.16**

warning: more yaoi hotness for you and some poor boys getting in trouble

**... ... ...**

"Naruto, you'll get sick if you keep eating only ramen." Sasuke did his best to make a fake concerned face. Everyone looked at him. Itachi and Deidara seemed a bit surprised at his sudden interest in Naruto's diet, and Naruto groaned with boredom.

"Uh, not this bullshit again. You sound like Kakashi-sensei, Sasu."

"Naruto, I'm serious," Sasuke said, hoping things were going where he wanted.

"All right, all right. How about a salad? I'll see what we have in the fridge." Some rummaging followed, then Naruto turned around with his usual silly grin.

"That's all I could find!" he announced, waving a big cucumber in the air. Sasuke prepared to watch the reaction he expected.

At the sight of the cucumber Itachi's eyes widened, he yelped, his face got red, then it got pale, he stood up abruptly and ran out of the room screaming.

Sasuke was laughing uncontrollably, Naruto and Deidara staring at him dumbfounded.

"What's wrong with Itachi-san?" Naruto was utterly confused. Somehow in 90% of the situations he always ended up utterly confused.

Deidara scratched his head, thoughtful expression on his face. It was obvious he was straining his brain to its limit.

"Maybe the cucumber somehow resembles a weasel? I don't get it."

Sasuke rolled his eyes at Deidara's remark. "Something tells me from now on this will be Itachi's usual reaction to a cucumber."

Deidara immediately shot a death glare at him.

"You know something we don't! What happened with Itachi and the cucumber?"

"Bend over and I'll show you."

Deidara remained speechless for a moment, his eyes stuck to Sasuke's contented smirk. His brain was processing the possibilities.

"You did something dirty to him! And you kept the whole fun for yourself. Again! Why I always miss this kind of things?" Deidara slammed his fist on the table.

"You don't have to miss anything, Deidara. Like I said, bend over and you'll get all the fun you deserve." Sasuke grabbed the cucumber from Naruto's hand and waved it in front of Deidara's face.

"Bastard!" Deidara turned around and headed for the door.

"What's wrong, Dei, is it too big for you? You get scared so easily," Sasuke yelled after him.

"You bend over and I'll show you what's big, un."

"You're running away from a cucumber."

"I don't give a damn about the fucking cucumber! I just can't stand seeing your annoying face!"

Deidara stormed out of the kitchen. A minute later they could hear him slam the front door on his way out of the house.

"I don't mind using the cucumber for other purposes, so if you're not going to make a salad with it, I'll go get some ramen," Naruto said with relief.

...

Shino was shaking his head disapprovingly.

"You disappoint me, Kiba! I don't understand why you're interested in such an indecent and shameless girl. Ino is a whore!"

"She's gorgeous! Aha, maybe you're envious because your blond wig can't compare to her beautiful hair. Honestly, Shino, you looked horrible in that disguise. If you want to look like a woman…"

"Don't you dare mention that incident ever again! It was one huge misunderstanding!"

"Yeah, riiiight, I believe you. Hey, do you think we can make Ino dress like a boy? I bet she would look so…"

Kiba stopped mid sentence because Shino had walked away, leaving him alone in the middle of the street.

"Duh! That idiot."

Kiba sighed in frustration. Maybe he needed to talk to someone who could understand exactly what he felt.

He found Shikamaru at his usual place on the roof, staring at the clouds. Shikamaru glanced at him. By the sad look on Kiba's face he could tell his friend had failed.

"So, Kiba, it seems we're not rivals any more, now that she rejected you as well."

"Is it that obvious?" Kiba said with a crooked smile. "Ino said I wasn't worthy of her attention. And she mocked at me. Like she did to you. What are we going to do now, Shika? We'll never find someone else with such gorgeous blonde hair and naughty blue eyes like hers. She's perfect. Well, she's totally dumb and annoying as hell, but her looks... Perfect! Her only flaw is that she's a girl, but I was ready to accept even that. Ohh, I want to get in her panties."

"Give up, Kiba. She doesn't want us. Women are too troublesome. But you're right about her hair and the eyes. Even I couldn't resist to that appearance, and I'm the person who knows exactly how annoying Ino can be. I wish there was a guy looking like her. And when I think how you and I even fought over her… We're idiots. We better stop thinking about that."

"Yeah, right. Well then, genius, do you have some undoubtedly clever plan what to do now?"

"I have. We'll get drunk. Let's go."

...

The street was full of people and Kiba and Shikamaru were making their way through the crowd with difficulty. They wanted some quiet place, so they left the main streets. Then they went in the first bar that wasn't crammed with people. There were just a few guys inside and a brief look around the room was enough to take in the situation.

Kiba and Shikamaru entered and quickly scanned everyone, hoping they wouldn't run into someone they knew. It was just a small group of bored people, but among the gloomy faces there was one thing that caught their attention.

Both of them froze and fixed their gaze on a certain someone who was sitting at the bar. Kiba blinked a few times.

"Holy crap, Shika, I can't believe my eyes!"

Shikamaru nodded and mumbled "Amazing! Truly amazing!"

Kiba's jaw was hanging to the ground.

"God blessed us, Shika, and sent this gorgeous angel to us, so perfect and exceeding our wildest dreams."

"This is what we wanted, Kiba."

"It's more than what we wanted!"

"Kiba, this is the answer to our prayers, this is… this is…"

Shikamaru made a pause, and then both he and Kiba took a deep breath and yelled with excitement "This is Ino with a dick!"

Deidara fidgeted nervously in his seat at the bar. He was used to people staring at him ever since he arrived in Konoha. Most of them knew he was a former member of Akatsuki and glared at him whenever they saw him on the street. However, the two boys that were standing at the door were literally devouring him with their eyes. One of them was giving him a cold, calculating look, carefully examining and evaluating every detail of his body. In the eyes of the other he could read insatiable, animalistic hunger.

Deidara shifted uncomfortably and looked to the other side.

Shikamaru finished his study of the object of their desire and concluded "This is a perfect male variant of Ino. He's all we ever dreamed of."

Kiba was slightly trembling, his fingers twitching. He licked his lips and whispered with a hoarse voice "The eyes, the long blond hair… Shika! I'm hhhhorny!"

Shikamaru remained calm. "Kiba, look at his clothes. He must be that guy who came from Akatsuki. And this means he belongs to the Uchihas. If we try to steal him, we might end up having big troubles. You know Itachi is not a person you can mess with and get away with it."

Kiba was drooling profusely.

"We're not gonna steal him, Shika, we'll just fuck the crap out of him and then we'll give him back to the Uchihas. Let's go!"

They approached Deidara, and Kiba leaned on the bar right next to him, giving him a wicked glare and making him blush. Shikamaru took the seat on Deidara's other side and sighed with frustration, annoyed at Kiba's impatience and tactless behaviour.

Kiba grasped a strand of Deidara's blond hair and tangled it around his finger.

"You're damn hot, bitch."

Deidara gave him a confused look and blushed more. Shikamaru grunted with irritation.

"Jeez, Kiba, don't be so direct. At least buy the guy a drink first. Flirting requires strategy and careful choice of the best approach. Use your brain, idiot."

Kiba leaned closer to Deidara.

"Screw the strategy, I use my instincts. And my instincts tell me we have a hot, horny, gorgeous little whore here."

Deidara shivered and his blush darkened. His cock stirred in his pants when he felt Kiba's breath tickle his face. A slutty little boy saying dirty things to him was definitely a turn on.

Shikamaru glared at Kiba and said "You idiot! Such a stunning beauty deserves better treatment." He took Deidara's hand in his and kissed it, then he looked in his eyes and said with his sweetest voice "Please excuse my idiotic friend. His simplicity and ignorance make him unable to appreciate the exquisite…"

He shut up when he felt something weird on Deidara's palm. He lifted up the hand he was holding and stared at it in amazement. Kiba looked too and his eyes widened. He grabbed Deidara's other hand and started squealing in euphoria. Then he tried to shove his tongue in the palm mouth, but Deidara pulled his hand away. Kiba grabbed it again and whispered "I must have you now, bitch, or something in my pants will explode."

Deidara smirked. "I like making things explode, un." He pulled away his hand again, waved it lazily in the air and hissed "You wanna know what kind of things I can do with these, right?" The tongue slipped out and brushed Kiba's cheek.

Kiba shivered and growled like a dog. "Hey, Shika, my house, or your house?"

When they paid the bill and decided to go to Kiba's place, they grabbed Deidara and dragged him towards the door.

Finally they were in Kiba's bedroom. Deidara took off his akatsuki cloak. Even though this garment earned him disapproving glares from some people, he kept wearing it because he thought it made him look hot. And he was right. Kiba roughly pushed him to the bed and was just about to pounce on him when he felt he couldn't move. Shikamaru was restraining him with Kagemane no jutsu.

"Hold your impatience, Kiba."

Shikamaru freed Kiba from his shadow and went to Deidara. He took the blonde's hand and kissed it again, but this time the palm. He pressed his lips softly to the mouth on it. Then he started kissing the arm, moving to the elbow and upwards.

Deidara was fascinated. Being with two hot boys, one rough and one gentle, meant that he was going to get some mind-blowing fucking. He looked at them. To him Kiba seemed very wild, ferocious even, and Shikamaru looked like the type of guy that was very skilled and knew exactly what he was doing. Making these observations, Deidara felt he was in uke mood. He wanted them to take him, both of them, and he was planning to let them do with him as they pleased. He was damn sure it was going to feel really good.

Shikamaru pulled Deidara's shirt up and then slowly removed all of his clothes. As soon as the blond was completely naked, Kiba covered all of his body with sloppy kisses, licking and biting here and there. Shikamaru took his lips in a gentle kiss and their tongues swirled together.

"He's so delicious," Kiba growled. Shikamaru joined him and together they made a few licks on Deidara's belly. Deidara moaned when he felt them going lower and lower.

"I suck his dick and you lick his balls," Kiba took the head of Deidara's cock between his lips.

"Deal." Shikamaru moved lower and made a long lick around the balls.

Deidara hissed in pleasure. He just watched them for a while, then he smirked. His fingers went in their hair. With one hand he ruffled Kiba's short locks, and with the other he let Shikamaru's hair loose. Then he slid one hand around Kiba's neck, and the other down Shikamaru's back. The tongues slipped out and left wet traces on their skin. Both Kiba and Shikamaru shivered at the wet touch. Kiba tried to say something, but his mouth was full and his words were unintelligible.

Deidara moved his hands to the front of their bodies and reached lower. Kiba and Shikamaru felt him grab their cocks. The tongues went out again and the two boys moaned in bliss.

Kiba stopped sucking for a moment.

"Man, that's sort of 69 that is not exactly 69. Amazing. I mean we're sucking each other, but… Jeez, sucking someone with your… hands… That's fucking insane!"

"Uh-huh," Shikamaru muttered, his tongue wrapped around Deidara's balls. "This brings the concept of 69 to a whole new level. Actually, this is some amazing blowjob and handjob combo. Two in one."

"Yeah, Shika. I say now we share his dick. We take turns licking."

Both of them wrapped their tongues around Deidara's shaft. Then they started take turns. First Kiba was deepthroating him, then Shikamaru was sucking the head and flipping his tongue around it.

Deidara's hands left their cocks and reached for their nipples. The tongues made both of them go crazy. This gave them ideas and they moved up and each one took in mouth one of Deidara's nipples.

Soon Kiba was beyond himself with impatience.

"I say now we fuck him, Shika, I wanna pound that hot ass."

"Like I'll let you take him first and ruin everything by being too rough. I'll fuck him first and you can let him suck you until you come. Then, when you get hard again, you can slam his ass. You're too impatient and out of control."

"You and your special tactics again!" Kiba scoffed at Shikamaru's reasoning, but followed his instructions obediently.

Shikamaru spread Deidara's legs gently. Kiba sat next to them and let Deidara's hand continue its ministrations on his cock.

"Where's your lube, Kiba?"

Kiba pointed at a drawer near the bed. Shikamaru slicked himself, then he slid a slippery finger in Deidara to prepare him.

"Aaahhh" Deidara arched off the bed. Shikamaru tried variety of movements and when he found out which one made Deidara literally lose his mind, he kept repeating it until Deidara was on the verge of coming. Then he took his finger out and lay over the blonde. He slid his cock inside slowly. Deidara spread his legs further and eagerly took him in. Shikamaru repeated the same procedure again. He tried various rhythms until he found the one that made Deidara writhe and scream.

"Holy crap, you're a fucking genius! Ooooh," Deidara was howling.

"Let's say I'm a genius at fucking." Shikamaru gave him a harder shove and Deidara grasped the bed sheets with his free hand and arched his back.

Shikamaru jerked his hips, hitting Deidara's sweet spot from a very pleasurable angle, and Deidara couldn't hold it anymore and started coming.

Kiba was watching and drooling profusely. Deidara's palm mouth sucked him hard, he couldn't hold it either and came too. For the second time. Only Shikamaru kept his control and carefully slid out of Deidara.

Deidara looked at his cum-splattered palm and brought it to his face. His lips parted and his two tongues danced together, one tasting what the other one had received.

Kiba looked at Shikamaru with a crooked smirk.

"You could come together with him, and then just get hard again, but no. You want to show off with your stamina and the level of your skills. You're modest about your combat skills and intelligence, but when it comes to fucking, you're a total show-off."

"Is that envy, Kiba? It's not my fault it takes you one minute to come when you get too excited and impatient."

"Who cares! I can do it so many times that he'll forget who he is, or he'll pass out by the time I'm done with him."

"Now you're the one who's bragging."

"Boys, I still haven't forgotten who I am and I certainly haven't passed out, which means you have more work to do."

"Right!" Kiba was ready for action. Despite his two orgasms, he was already hard again.

"Move away!" he roughly pushed Shikamaru out of his way and took his place over Deidara. He gripped the blonde's legs and lifted them up.

"Spread your ass for me, bitch."

Deidara spread his ass cheeks and held them open. Kiba was just about to thrust when Shikamaru's heavy sigh made him stop and turn his head around.

"Now what?"

"Idiot. You always forget."

With an irritated grunt Shikamaru reached for the lube and started rubbing some on Kiba's cock.

"Damn, Shika, your fingers feel so good, oooh."

Shikamaru gave him one last squeeze and guided his cock into Deidara. Kiba pushed his hips forward until he was buried inside to the hilt. He started thrusting hard and deep, holding Deidara's ankles. Then he moved his hands to his thighs, pushing them up, and increased the speed. When Deidara's mewls indicated another orgasm, Kiba got so turned on that he came immediately after the blonde.

"Hm. That was like… five minutes?" Shikamaru was laughing, his arms crossed.

"Just watch, bitch!" Kiba growled and continued slamming. He was still rock hard.

Deidara smirked mischievously and reached down. His hand sneaked between the two bodies and he started licking his own balls and whatever he could reach of Kiba's cock and balls.

Again, it didn't take too long. Soon he and Kiba were both thrashing in the waves of more orgasms.

"My turn, Kiba."

Kiba rolled over and prepared to watch. Shikamaru bent down and licked Deidara's cum off his belly. Then he flipped him over. He crawled over Deidara and licked his ear, then he bit it gently. His kisses went down Deidara's back and ended just above the crack of his ass. Shikamaru slicked himself with more lube and sneaked a finger between Deidara's ass cheeks. He didn't shove it in, just rubbed the hole until Deidara let out a funny mewl and started squirming with impatience. Then Shikamaru crawled over him and pushed his cock inside.

Deidara was lying on his stomach, his legs slightly spread. When he felt the invasion of Shikamaru's cock, he lifted his butt up a bit and successfully impaled himself.

Shikamaru started thrusting at a slow pace, kissing Deidara's neck and shoulder. Kiba was behind them, watching Shikamaru's ass move rhythmically. In a few minutes or so he was drooling, his eyes flashing with new hunger.

"You know, Shika, your ass looks so good like that. I wanna pound it."

Shikamaru stopped thrusting for a moment.

"Kiba, this is not a wise decision. I don't want to experience your one minute rampage in my ass."

"But I want to!" Kiba growled and clawed the mattress in frustration. "The few times we've done it, you've always made me be on the bottom!"

"I didn't force you, it was you who couldn't resist letting me fuck you because you knew I could make you scream."

"Show-off!"

Shikamaru resumed his thrusts into Deidara, and Kiba did his best to remain calm. Another few minutes passed and Kiba just couldn't stay still anymore. His eyes were stuck to Shikamaru's round ass and followed its movements at every thrust. His cock was so hard and aching that he couldn't stand it.

"Shika… I'm hhhhorny! I want your ass, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeeease!"

"How troublesome."

Shikamaru pulled out of Deidara. He sat on the mattress cross-legged and put his fingers together in a circle, assuming his usual thinking position.

"Now what? You're planning to meditate, or something, in the middle of the fucking?"

"Kiba, shut your mouth for one minute."

Kiba rolled his eyes and Deidara looked at Shikamaru with curiosity.

"All right." Shikamaru stood up. "Kiba, kneel over there and add some more lube to your cock. Deidara, get on all fours in the middle of the bed."

"Oh man, the genius has a plan," Kiba said sarcastically, but did as he was told.

Deidara was on his hands and knees on the bed. Shikamaru was kneeling right behind him, and Kiba was kneeling right behind Shikamaru.

"You'll get what you want, Kiba, but I'm the one who decides what exactly you will be doing."

"Huh?" Kiba didn't get it, so he just shrugged it off and prepared to grab Shikamaru's hips. Then he found out he couldn't move.

"Damn it, Shika!" His eyes followed Shikamaru's shadow that was holding him in place and was controlling all his movements. "Now what?"

"Now you shut up and enjoy it."

Shikamaru's hand squeezed Deidara's butt. Kiba's hand did exactly the same with Shikamaru's ass. Deidara moaned as he felt Shikamaru's fingers rubbing in circles while Shikamaru was experiencing exactly the same.

"That's insane, dude!" Kiba exclaimed, his hand mimicking Shikamaru's movements.

"Tell me that when it starts feeling good. And observe carefully what your body is doing, you might learn a thing or two."

"Watch it, Shika, you're too full of yourself."

"Yeah. Technically, I'll experience what I would feel if I could fuck myself, although I'll be full of you. So, you can say that."

"Just do something already!" Deidara squealed and wiggled his ass. Shikamaru slowly slid a finger into him. He shivered at the feeling of Kiba's finger penetrating him.

"Yeah right, Shika, take your time preparing yourself! Jeez, how long do I have to wait? I want inside!"

Shikamaru shook his head, then he slapped himself across the face.

"Ouch, that hurt, you idiot!" Kiba whined.

"I know, Kiba. I know exactly what you felt. And I can make you feel it again."

"You're sick!"

"Like I already said, shut up and enjoy it, Kiba."

Two fingers went in Deidara's ass. Shikamaru's breathing got ragged.

"You like it, Shika, you like it!"

"Of course I like it. Don't forget I'm making you do what you're doing. Mmmhhh."

Shikamaru's fingers reached deeper and started moving faster. His other hand slapped Deidara's ass a few times. At first Kiba thought Shikamaru enjoyed slapping Deidara, then he noticed the breathy moan that escaped Shikamaru's lips every time his palm hit Deidara's reddened flesh.

"Holy crap, Shika, you like being spanked? Whoa!" Kiba watched in disbelief his own hand give Shikamaru's ass some hard spanking.

"You find it funny? Let's see if you'll find this funny."

Shikamaru gripped Deidara's ass cheeks and spread them wide. Then he lowered his head. His lips parted.

"What? No way!" Kiba whined in panic, his head getting lower and lower. "You can't make me lick your… mmmphfgrhmm."

Shikamaru licked Deidara's crack, then shoved his tongue in the hole. Wild shivers shook Deidara's body and he moaned, the sound mingling with Shikamaru's equally blissful moan.

After some good licking, Shikamaru finally lifted his head up.

"I'll kill you, Shika, I'll kill you, I swear!"

"Really? How troublesome."

Shikamaru held his cock at the base and rubbed it along Deidara's crack. Then he positioned it at the hole and gently pressed inside.

Kiba's cursing stopped when he felt his cock was going into Shikamaru's ass. Shikamaru placed his hands on Deidara's hips and started a slow rhythm. He deliberately made Kiba's mimicking motions fall behind a bit, since it would be difficult if both of them were thrusting forward at the same time. In this way Kiba was moving forward at the time Shikamaru was moving backwards and Shikamaru could meet his thrusts and impale on his cock properly.

Shikamaru was trying different things, carefully observing Deidara's reactions. This time his investigation was even easier because he could feel exactly what Deidara felt and this was giving him even more ideas. Soon he found out what Deidara liked the most in this position.

"All right, first the blondie," he said and adjusted his thrusts to the speed and the angle that aroused Deidara the most. Soon the blond was writhing in ecstasy, splattering cum all over the bed sheets.

Kiba was growling and panting, his voice hoarse with overexcitement. He was so close, but right then Shikamaru abruptly stopped moving and remained completely still.

"Shika? What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm waiting for you to calm down a bit."

"What? You're kidding!"

"No."

"Shika! I was sooo close!"

"That's the problem."

"Uh, let me come, and I'll stay hard and keep fucking you. You know I can!"

"No. I find it more interesting this way."

Shikamaru started fucking again. This time he was doing what he liked the most. Actually he was making Kiba do it to him, experimenting with various techniques. He stopped every time he felt Kiba was close to coming, which resulted in a lot of infuriated cursing from Kiba.

Deidara was more than satisfied already, and he was more concentrated on the boys' reactions rather than his own pleasure. He found the whole thing so amusing that he barely managed to hold his laughter.

Shikamaru could feel his control slipping with every slam Kiba's cock made into his ass. The pleasure clouded his mind and he didn't care anymore what Kiba would think about him. His nails dug into the soft skin of Deidara's butt. With one hand he continued squeezing, and with the other he started giving his ass heavy slaps. His thrusts got deeper and harder.

"Oww, don't spank me so hard, it huuuurts!" Deidara was whining, his skin getting redder.

"Shika, you…" Kiba was at loss of words, his hand rhythmically slapping Shikamaru's ass.

"Aaaahhh" Shikamaru bent forward, wrapped an arm around Deidara's waist and gripped his cock, stroking in time with the thrusts. He licked Deidara's shoulder and dug his teeth in the soft flesh on his neck. At the same time Kiba's sharp teeth were tearing Shikamaru's own skin.

A final hard thrust went deep into Deidara's ass, and Shikamaru was coming. Kiba's cock was stuck inside him to the hilt and Kiba was coming too.

Shikamaru heard his own screaming accompanied by Kiba's moan. After holding it for so long, now he was coming so hard that he couldn't stand it. The feeling was so intense that he blacked out for a few seconds.

He blinked a few times, slowly regaining his vision. He was still lying over Deidara, and Kiba had collapsed on top of them and was crushing him with his weight. He could barely breathe.

Kiba finally rolled over and Shikamaru could move away too and lie on his back next to Deidara. He was exhausted from the effort to maintain the concentration he needed in order to adjust the variety of movements and speed to different time intervals separating his actions from Kiba's mimicking movements. This modification of his shadow techniques had drained him completely.

"Dude, you're insane, I'm telling you, you're insane!" Kiba's voice was shaking. Shikamaru said nothing, his breath still too ragged. All that was heard was his quiet laughter.

...

It was getting dark when Deidara returned to the Uchiha house. He was sweaty and his hair was a mess. On his neck had formed a nice purple bruise from Shikamaru's bite.

He entered the dark living-room, closed the door and leaned on the wall. In the dusk he could barely discern the ominous silhouette of someone sitting on the couch and the red gleam of sharingan eyes.

"Where have you been?" Itachi's cold voice pierced the silence.

"I… uuhh…" Deidara nervously twisted a strand of hair around his finger.

"I asked where have you been." Itachi's tone was threatening.

Deidara knew very well this wasn't jealousy. It was mere curiosity and pure Uchiha evilness.

"You smell of cum. The cum of at least two people."

"Um…"

"Who are they?"

"Well…"

Itachi rose from the couch and went to Deidara. He gripped his shoulder and pulled him roughly. His other hand went into Deidara's pants. His fingers sneaked into Deidara's crack, rubbed his hole and slipped inside.

"They've stretched you so nicely. You must have received some really good banging. Who are they?"

Deidara remained silent. He had no reason to hide anything from Itachi, but he enjoyed the dramatism of the moment. Itachi gripped his jaw and lifted his face up.

"Answer me! Who are they?"

"K-K-Kiba…"

"And?"

"Shikamaru."

"Very well. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You can do that with them again if you want to, but someone needs to remind these boys who you really belong to."

...

Kiba and Shikamaru were still lying on Kiba's bed, both of them too tired to move. Kiba was sprawled on his back, his eyes closed. He was about to drift into heavy slumber when he felt someone turn him over.

"Shika… Shika, why the hell are you tying my arms to the headboard?" His eyes fluttered open. To his amazement he saw Shikamaru lying face down next to him with his hands cuffed behind his back.

"What…"

"So, how was Deidara's ass? You liked shoving your little naughty cocks in my bitch, didn't you?"

"Itachi?" Shikamaru gritted his teeth. 'I should have seen this coming,' he thought bitterly, 'It was the only logical outcome of what we did.'

"I bet now you're thinking you should have seen this coming, right, Shikamaru? I guess you didn't see it because you were too busy coming."

"We can explain!" Kiba shrieked hysterically.

"Fine. I'm waiting to hear your explanation."

"Um… w-we…" Kiba stuttered and threw a helpless look at Shikamaru.

"You see… we… Um, Shika?"

"Jeez!" Shikamaru scoffed, making a scornful grimace. "All right. We only wanted to have some fun with him. It seemed he wanted it too. It was meant to be a one-time thing, we know he's yours and we weren't planning anything. We didn't hurt him, everything was…" Shikamaru paused and assumed the expression of a doomed person.

"You don't really care about the explanation, do you?" His eyes met Itachi's merciless glare. "You've come here to take revenge, or punish us, or whatever, for playing with your property. And it's not because what we've done is such a big problem, it's because you want to make fun of us. No matter what I say, you'll do what you've planned and we can't talk you out of it."

"Smart, aren't we?" Itachi rewarded him with a wicked smirk. "You understand the situation perfectly, Shikamaru. As expected of you."

"No!" Kiba whined, "No, no, noooo. He'll kill us, the damn psychopath!"

"Well, not exactly," Itachi said and unzipped his pants. "Let's see… The smart boy goes first."

He lifted Shikamaru's body off the bed until his butt was sticking out in the air and his face was pressed to the mattress.  
"You better like it rough," Itachi growled before thrusting into him. "Hm, you're still slick from someone's cum. Don't tell me you let that idiot Kiba top you."

Shikamaru just let out an incoherent moan and Itachi started pounding him like there was no tomorrow.

Kiba watched everything and thought now was his chance to get back at Shikamaru. He was going to embarrass him by making him show once again his main weakness. Now Kiba already knew what could make Shikamaru scream like a girl.

"Itachi… Spank him. Slap his ass."

"You're not very kind to your friend, are you?" Itachi said, but thought the idea was good. He raised his hand and gave Shikamaru's ass a heavy slap. Shikamaru moaned and his voice was so thin that it sounded almost like a mewl. He blushed immediately, but had no time to regain his composure as another slap hit his ass. He was panting heavily as the spanking continued, and more of the funny mewls left his lips. His body was jerking and he started pushing back to meet Itachi's slams, feeling too aroused by the spanking. It wasn't long before he came, unable to control himself.

Itachi gave him a quizzical look before turning his attention to Kiba. Kiba was already sporting a rock hard erection after watching the scene that had just taken place. It had turned him on beyond belief. He squealed with excitement when Itachi thrust into him roughly. Itachi leaned over him and his loose hair tickled Kiba's skin, giving him shivers. "It's your turn, bitch." Itachi's hot breath brushed his ear. This was too much for poor Kiba and he felt like he was going to explode. His long and high-pitched howls echoed in the room when Itachi started fucking him.

"Less than two minutes… I bet," Shikamaru whispered, still out of breath.

It took less than one minute for Kiba to come.

Ironically, the only one who hadn't come yet was Itachi. He let out an angry growl and stopped thrusting.

"Idiots! This had to be a punishment. I'm not doing this for your entertainment! You already fucked Deidara for hours and came who knows how many times, you're exhausted, I'm rough on you, yet both of you moan like whores and come in no time! What's wrong with you?"

Kiba and Shikamaru just lay there in blissful silence.

"Damn! Like I'll let you have more fun!" Itachi pulled out of Kiba. He jerked himself off until he came all over Kiba and Shikamaru, then he grabbed his clothes, got dressed hurriedly and went out, leaving them rolling in his sticky mess.

**to be continued**

**... ... ...**

**Author's comment**

Kiba and Shika are so cute, aren't they? It was high time for them to show up in the fic and get some cock. Eh, people can take warning by this chapter. Didn't your mom tell you stealing is wrong? Be careful when you take other people's things. Which means be careful not to get caught.

Well, I'm not a person that follows rules strictly, so… Itachi, I'm guilty!

Itachi: Huh?

Me: I fucked Deidara. Your Deidara. I hope you will… Uh, I mean I think you should remind me who Deidara belongs to.

Itachi: Nice try, but I won't fall for that. You're bluffing.

Kiba: Duh, she is begging for it so pitifully. I wonder if he decided to do this to her, then how long…

Shikamaru: One minute. She's a fangirl, he's Itachi Uchiha. It would take her less than one minute, I bet. It would take any fangirl less than one minute. That is if the fangirl survives the nosebleed she will get while he's taking his pants off. That's how these girls are, they come just at the sight of him.

Itachi: I said I won't fall for her trick! Besides, I wouldn't make the same mistake twice! I already failed at punishing these two idiots. Huh! That damn author made me look so dumb.

Me: Ita-chan, don't complain about my plot. Writing a fic is not that easy. And you are dumb. You still can't say the disclaimer properly, and this is chapter 16 already!

Itachi: Your plot sucks, and writing bullshit must be a piece of cake! The tough part is being a character in something like that!

Me: Really? Then why don't you switch places with me for one chapter? That's it. You're writing the next chapter, and I might show up as a character and get some rest from writing. Just for one chapter you are the writer. And don't you dare make me do anything stupid in that fic.

Itachi: Deal. I'll write it, just you wait! You being a character, huh? I can see what you're hoping for. You fangirls can be read like a book. I'll make sure you won't get anything.

Me: Damn, this sounds like trouble. Jeez, what did I get myself into?


	17. Chapter 17

**Horny idiots ch.17**

WARNING: Brace yourself, Itachi is writing this chapter. If anyone is wondering how things got here, see the author's comment of the previous chapter…

*everything gets dark, the author disappears, and Itachi finds himself in a house he has never seen before*

**… … …**

Well, let me see… Hm, she has a nice comp, the bitch. I must check if she has downloaded some hot ItaSasu pics. I bet she has. Oh, wait, I was supposed to write a fic. Right. Hey, why am I typing my thoughts? Whatever. Now, since the annoying author is gone, let me start the chapter. So…

It's a nice and tranquil morning at the Uchiha house. Even though Itachi is missing, there is an Itachi clone in his place because a fic that contains ItaSasu pairing just can't go without at least some sort of Itachi. Besides, everyone knows that if you want a fic to be cool, you need to have Itachi in it. If you have any doubts about that, go read "Fanfiction writing manual for retarded fangirls". Sasuke wrote it one day when he was bored.

So, the Itachi clone is happily sleeping in the middle of the bed. Naruto is tied up and locked in the closet, his mouth sealed with duct tape. This is the main reason why the morning is so peaceful and quiet.

The Itachi clone is woken up by the skillful tongues of Sasuke and Deidara. They're licking his impressive morning wood. Clone or not, he tastes good. They're in awe and they can't get enough. They're sucking like crazy the big, no, the huge cock of the Itachi clone… Hey, that sounds so good. Itachi's huge cock. Yeah, huge. HUGE. Itachi's HUGE cock. The next time Sasuke is misbehaving, he'll have to write this sentence one hundred times for punishment. Just because a whole page of it would look so good. Whatever.

The Itachi clone comes hard and then Sasuke and Deidara bring him breakfast in bed. The Itachi clone is eating and reading the newspaper. In the newspaper it is said that someone killed the person who created "I am Weasel". Finally some good news. Meanwhile, somewhere in Konoha Tsunade is being raped by an army of weasels. Serves her right.

When the Itachi clone is done with the breakfast and the newspaper, he spends some time listening to the silence. Because the lack of Naruto's loud voice sounds so good.

Sasuke and Deidara bend over. They're on the bed next to each other, their butts high in the air. The Itachi clone takes his time shoving his cock in both asses, taking turns in the two holes.

Then the Itachi clone is left alone with Sasuke. Deidara is in a random corner, too busy blowing himself up, or something.

"I miss the real Itachi," Sasuke says. "Where is he?"

"He's on a literary mission," the Itachi clone replies with an air of mystery, his tone implying the importance of whatever the real Itachi is busy with. "Don't ask stupid questions and give me some fun."

Sasuke starts fucking himself with whatever he can find. This looks good like it always does. He is moaning and writhing like crazy, shoving random elongated objects in his butt. In front of others he may glare all he wants and make the badass ninja face, but everyone knows that deep down he's a little horny whore.

"When the real Itachi comes back," he says, "I'll do anything to please him, I'll beg, I'll be perverted, I'll humiliate myself, anything."

The Itachi clone sighs happily and thinks life is perfect.

...

Somewhere in a gloomy wilderness in the middle of nowhere, Orochimaru, Pein and the author of "Horny idiots" are lying on the ground in a random forest. They're sprawled next to each other, tied up and helplessly rolling in the dust.

"What the fuck am I doing here with these people?" Orochimaru yells. "I don't get it! I was in my laboratory and I was making some experiments when everything got dark and then I found myself here!"

"Hm, weird indeed. A similar thing happened to me." Pein is trying to figure out the situation.

"Relax, guys. No need to freak out. Itachi is writing this chapter, that's what's going on. Now he's the one to decide what will happen in the story. Judging by our pitiful condition, apparently the three of us are the people he hates the most. Which means we're screwed up. Now when I think of it, there is a reason to freak out." The author is trying to sound bold, but the other two notice her voice is shaking a bit. The situation must be really serious.

They spend some time in silence. Then they notice the three of them are dressed in ridiculous green outfits just like Gai and Rock Lee's. They scream in panic and start writhing in their restraints. The ropes are pretty tight and the whole thing looks funny.

"Oh my god! This is a crime against fashion!" Orochimaru is hysterical.

"Well, these clothes are hideous, indeed, but if they were pink, it wouldn't be too bad," Pein sighs, looking at himself, then at Orochimaru and the author. "Unfortunately they're green. Damn, we look like frogs."

"The bastard!" the author yells. "Itachi's taking revenge for that time when Pein wanted to make him do "I am Weasel" cosplay. I can't stand this thing on me, it's dreadful!"

Some time later they manage to loosen the ropes and they get free. The three of them hurry to take off the green costumes and throw them away with disgust.

There's uncomfortable silence for two minutes. Then Orochimaru finally speaks.

"You know, these clothes were awful, but don't you think standing here only in our underwear is a bit awkward?"

They look at each other. Orochimaru is wearing black boxers, "Whitesnake" written across his butt. Pein is with a pink thong. The author stares.

"Well, some of us at least have underwear," Pein says, he and Orochimaru give the author curious looks.

The author looks at herself and screams, realizing that she's wearing nothing.

"Itachi, you motherfucker!" she yells.

"Why did you tell her? We could have waited to see when she was going to notice," Orochimaru giggles. The author rips off pieces of green cloth and manages to create some pitiful excuse of an outfit that is too skimpy and barely covers anything.

"Tch. Another crime against fashion," Pein murmurs. Orochimaru sighs heavily.

The three of them try to find a way out of the forest.

...

The Itachi clone is in bed with the hokage and the new mizukage. Screwing higher-ups always feels good. So, he is lying on the mattress, Tsunade and Mei are rubbing their breasts in his face. Two kage in one bed sounds like a serious thing, but the Itachi clone can handle this situation easily because, as it was already said and could be emphasized one more time, Itachi's dick is huge.

The two bitches take turns impaling themselves on his cock, riding him like crazy and shaking their tits. After that the Itachi clone blissfully comes in their mouths. Then in the bedroom arrive all the other busty girls that were ever shown in this anime, and all of them start rubbing their tits all over Itachi's body. His face disappears somewhere between the bouncing boobs of that blond filler episode whore Hotaru, while Samui is pressing hers around his cock.

When all the girls leave, Itachi is a bit dizzy after dealing with so many tits at the same time, but Hotaru has somehow reminded him of another filler episode whore. Utakata.

Since hot characters like that should not be wasted, Utakata appears in the bedroom. After all those tits and cunts, it's nice to see a nice, tight male ass again. The Itachi clone slides his cock inside with immense pleasure, enjoying the cold glares Utakata throws at him over his shoulder. That kid's behaviour somehow reminds the Itachi clone of Sasuke and this turns him on even more. Utakata is trying to maintain a stoic expression, but this turns out to be kinda difficult when the Itachi clone starts banging him harder. Utakata's dark locks fly around his face as his body is shaking back and forth at every thrust. Finally the Itachi clone manages to get a proper uke face from him and allows himself to come, filling whimpering Utakata with his hot, sticky cum. Then he hurries to shove his cock in Utakata's mouth and watch him suck it. The boy still wears that adorable uke expression, and the Itachi clone is presented with the charming view he expected. Utakata seems a bit displeased, but that's what you get when you're a cute little boy and you tend to walk around in a disheveled kimono and throw provocative cold glares at everyone. An evil pervert will notice you sooner or later.

...

Still in the middle of nowhere, Orochimaru, Pein and the author are walking on a dusty road.

"Guys, I don't want to bother you, but we're still wearing only underwear. I have no idea where we're going, but people will be disturbed to see us almost naked. It's not a good thing to attract unwanted attention."

Orochimaru and Pein stop walking for a moment and start thinking. They hate to admit it, but the author has a point.

"We need to buy some clothes. I hope we find something fancy," Orochimaru says with a dreamy look.

"The problem is we have no money." The author kills his enthusiasm and brings him back to the sad reality. "Someone will have to sell his body. I suggest it's Pein-chan."

"Why me?" Pein whines dramatically.

"Because the readers are interested in your ass, not mine. That's why."

Pein shakes his head sadly. The author has a point again.

...

It's time to watch a movie. Or maybe not. There are far better things for watching.

The Itachi clone is sprawled on the couch, eating popcorn. On the table in front of him Kakashi and Genma are fucking madly. Kakashi is on all fours, Genma is pounding his ass. Hard. It's a nice view, indeed. Genma is big. Now, to avoid any misunderstanding, let's remind everyone that no one is as huge as Itachi. That being said, Genma is big and he's sliding his cock in and out of Kakashi, stretching him so nicely. The Itachi clone is drooling profusely and soaking his popcorn as he's watching the thick shaft plunging in to the hilt.

Kakashi is clawing the table, Genma driving his cock right into his sweet spot again and again. They both come hard and the table gets splattered with cum. Someone will have to clean all this mess. This means it's time to call Deidara and Sasuke.

...

Pein is screaming like mad while Orochimaru and the author are dragging him toward the door of a brothel. He reluctantly joins the cute bishies who work there. The brothel is crammed with fangirls.

The sight of Pein being ravaged by the crowd of ferocious fangirls is horrific. The author is concerned about Orochimaru's safety and covers his eyes. No matter how evil he is, such a scene can cause irreversible damage to his poor mind.

When everything is over, Orochimaru and the author are happily counting the money while Pein is regaining consciousness. They buy some clothes and find a place to stay because it's getting dark and they still have no idea where they are. They have money only for one small hotel room.

...

Sasuke and Deidara are cleaning the house. Dressed in sexy maid outfits. The Itachi clone is painting his nails. It's so nice when someone else is doing all the work. And it's extremely amusing to watch how Sasuke and Deidara are cleaning the table from Kakashi's cum. With their tongues. Considering the number of Deidara's tongues, the sight is impressive.

They hear the sound of the doorbell. Apparently there's someone at the door. In fact, there's a whole bunch of people at the door and Deidara lets them in. About twelve ANBU guys file in the room. Since they're not allowed to show their faces, they're wearing masks. And in order to make things kinkier, they're not with their usual masks, but with some leather stuff obviously bought from a sex shop.

They get naked. It's time to demonstrate some good team work. The first guy bends over and one of the others sticks his cock into his ass. Then a third one sticks his cock into the second one's ass and this process is repeated until all of the twelve guys are stuck together in a line. Everyone knows that ANBU guys are a big deal, but this sight is intimidating even for the Itachi clone. Now is the moment to say that all of the ANBU guys are big, but no one is as big as Itachi.

Sasuke and Deidara hurry to take their places in the long line. For now the Itachi clone is just watching everyone moving in perfect synchronization. The ANBU guys are so good at this kind of things.

Muffled sounds come from the closet. The Itachi clone wonders for a moment if he has forgotten something in there, then he decides there's no such thing and continues watching. The sounds from the closet get desperate.

"Hey, where is Naruto? I haven't seen him today," Sasuke is wondering.

"I have no idea, Sasu, I really have no idea," the Itachi clone says nonchalantly. Sasuke is about to say something else, but a particularly hard slam from the ANBU guy behind him makes him shut up.

The Itachi clone gets bored. Now it's time for the big fun. The ANBU guys separate and all of them bend over in front of the Itachi clone. Sasuke and Deidara join them. Now the Itachi clone has fourteen asses to choose from. He makes sure he pounds every single one. Life is so sweet.

...

In their small hotel room, Orochimaru, Pein, and the author are in front of the mirror in the bathroom and they're brushing their teeth.

"Considering the fact that Itachi is writing this chapter, things could have been much worse. At least he's only trying to humiliate us, and not kill us," the author mumbles. Orochimaru and Pein let out incoherent sounds that indicate their agreement. They're thankful they're still alive, even though they realize they look really pathetic.

Orochimaru is eyeing the front of Pein's new boxers. "Wow, man, you must be very big," he says. Pein shifts his eyes toward him.

"You're not small either. I can't even tell which one is bigger. Though everyone knows Itachi has the biggest one."

"Yeah." Orochimaru looks down with content. "I think yours and mine are equal in size."

"Well, maybe they're equally long, but I'm not sure if they're equally thick."

Orochimaru pulls the waistband of his boxers and looks inside. "Mine's pretty thick, you know."

"Well, mine either." Pein is thoughtfully scratching the front of his boxers.

The author looks inside her panties, shrugs and feels left out of the conversation. Finally she yells "Ha! You have no tits!"

"This doesn't mean I can't wear a bra when I feel like it," Pein says nonchalantly, Orochimaru nods in agreement.

"Well," the author tries to be mean, "I bet Itachi with a bra will look much better than you."

Orochimaru nods in agreement again.

Somehow the conversation turns into a brawl which ends up with Pein shoving the toothbrush in Orochimaru's throat, the author squeezing toothpaste in Pein's eyes, and Orochimaru splashing everyone with water. The conclusion is that three insane idiots in one bathroom is not a good thing.

...

The floor of the living-room is covered with exhausted ANBU guys lying in puddles of cum. Someone has to clean all the mess. It's time for Sasuke and Deidara in maid outfits again.

The Itachi clone is tired. Maybe it really is time to see a movie. He settles comfortably on the couch and starts watching "Slaughtering the fangirls 5". It is said to be much bloodier than "Slaughtering the fangirls 4".

At some point Deidara appears in front of the screen and starts brushing the dust off the TV. Each movement makes him wiggle his naked butt, so round and deliciously revealed by the incredibly short skirt of black satin and white lace. The Itachi clone forgets the movie and some heavy banging follows.

...

One small bed can be a big problem.

Orochimaru, Pein, and the author are under the covers, trying to sleep.

"Damn you, Pein, your feet are cold!" Orochimaru sounds upset.

"There's no space here, I can't breathe, move away, people!" Pein is fidgeting in the middle.

"You move away!" Orochimaru barks back.

"You two shut up! I'm almost falling off the bed." The author pushes Pein into Orochimaru.

"Why are you complaining, Pein?" Orochimaru keeps fretting. "Your fat ass takes most of the space, anyway."

"It's not fat! I'm on a diet."

The author is pondering over her situation. Being stuck in one bed with quarreling Pein and Orochimaru sounds like a wet dream that turned into a nightmare by mistake. Only Itachi's twisted mind can come up with something so ridiculous.

The quarrel seems to go on forever, but finally it somehow ends and they manage to fall into a heavy slumber. Time passes and the morning comes. Everyone is sleeping, Orochimaru and Pein hugging each other. The author is too tired and she's sound asleep, missing the chance to molest them. The previous day had been too exhausting for all of them and they need their rest.

Pein starts shifting restlessly and everyone wakes up.

"Oro, why are you pressing that thing into me?" Pein sounds a bit annoyed.

"It's morning wood, moron, I can't help it. Besides, you have one too."

"Shut up, damn it, I don't care if you two are poking each other with your boners, I'm trying to sleep here. If you're not going to do anything perverted to me, or at least initiate some yaoi, just keep quiet."

Their fidgeting stops and there is silence for a minute.

"You know, Pein, that's not a bad idea at all."

"You mean…"

"You and me, you know…" Orochimaru winks.

Two minutes later, the screaming and kicking author is thrown out of the room and the door is slammed in her face and locked. She starts banging desperately on the door and yells "It's not fair! At least let me watch, damn it!"

The door remains locked and she goes away, her heart broken. It's so sad… Her grief is devastating.

Oh come on, missing the chance to watch yaoi could break anyone's heart, you know it.

Half an hour later the author comes back and finds the door unlocked. She enters and sees Pein and Orochimaru sitting on the bed with grim faces.

"This has never happened to me before!" Pein whimpers in frustration, his lower lip trembling.

"Never happened to me either." Orochimaru sniffs.

"Didn't you…" the author stops in the middle of the sentence, suddenly realizing the severity of the situation.

"We did nothing!" Pein yells in despair. "We… we… we couldn't."

"We… we somehow lost the morning wood and then we… we couldn't get hard again. We tried, but we just couldn't… it didn't work…" Orochimaru's head is hanging low in shame.

"It's Itachi's fault!" The author yells. "Now he's writing the fic and he made this happen, the idiot!"

Everyone is upset. Orochimaru is angrily slamming his fist on the mattress and Pein is crying on the author's shoulder. "There, there, Pein-chan, it happens to everyone, or so they say," the author is trying to comfort him and fails. The atmosphere is tragic.

...

Neji arrives at the Uchiha house. In chapter 6 he taught Itachi how to make his special apple pie. Now it's time for another cooking lesson. This time they're going to make a chocolate cake. Deidara is whining and begging them like crazy until they get sick of him and accept him as their assistant.

Neji is enthusiastic, but the Itachi clone feels inspiration hit him and decides to change the recipe a bit. Creativity is a good thing. The new version of the recipe contains two basic ingredients. Chocolate and Sasuke.

"I'm a genius. I should write a whole book with recipes!" The Itachi clone is proud of himself.

Neji is staring at the book he has brought and is reading the recipe aloud. Most of the words are scratched and Itachi has scribbled some stuff over them, changing the whole recipe into something entirely different.

"You take one fresh Sasuke, carefully peel off his clothes and wash him, then you sprawl him on the table."

"Done." Deidara grins happily and forces naked Sasuke to lie on top of the table.

"Start spreading the chocolate all over the Sasuke. Be careful not to miss a spot."

Sasuke is writhing, moaning, and getting an erection as chocolate-covered hands are moving on his skin.

"Now decorate with whipped cream and strawberries. Serve while the Sasuke is still hard."

A few minutes later their masterpiece is ready.

"Enjoy your meal," the Itachi clone exclaims. He, Neji and Deidara start licking furiously.

...

Orochimaru, Pein, and the author have already spent hours in the hotel room, doing nothing in particular. They're bored to death and due to the lack of any better occupation Pein and the author are braiding Orochimaru's hair. They have reached the number of one hundred braids.

"Why nothing is happening? We're stuck here for hours!" Orochimaru screams in frustration.

"I bet Itachi is having a writer's block, the bastard!" The author shakes her head and takes another strand of Orochimaru's hair.

"It's better than weird stuff happening to us, don't you think? I hope the plot bunnies never get to him." At least Pein is trying to sound optimistic.

"I'm still wondering why I got myself into this," the author is musing. "I'm stuck here and Itachi is in my place at home, sitting at my comp, and right now my mother is probably asking him what he wants for dinner. Bleh! Though I wonder how he explained what the heck he's doing there. Anyway, I bet no one cares."

They proceed with their work in silence. Some time later they're done with Orochimaru and they're just about to start braiding the author's long hair when they hear someone yell "Fire!" and they smell smoke.

Orochimaru and the author bump into each other as they're trying to pass through the door at the same time. Pein shoves them aside and runs out of the room first.

They get out of the hotel and join the crowd of people on the street. Before their eyes the entire hotel burns to ashes.

"Guys, I hate to tell you this, but we're only in our underwear again and we left our clothes in there," the author says, hoping not to cause panic.

"Oh yeah? And whose fault is that?" Pein yells.

"Orochimaru was the one who said it was too hot in the room and suggested to wear underwear only!" the author yells back.

"Well, you didn't object!" Orochimaru snarls at the author.

"I didn't object because staring at half-naked Pein is hot!"

"What are we going to do now?" Pein ignores the last statement and the drooling author.

"I don't know. I can't believe after all these hours of writer's block all Itachi could come up with was this bullshit."

They walk away, people giving them awkward glares. Then all of a sudden they meet Jiraiya. Yeah, unpleasant things usually happen all of a sudden. The three of them wince at the sight of his mocking face.  
"Well, well," he smirks. "What happened, you lost in poker? At least you know when to stop, you still have your underwear on. And what's with that outrageous hairstyle, Orochimaru?"

Orochimaru glares at Jiraiya and angrily shakes his braided hair.

Pein snorts. "Yeah, Oro looks so dumb with that hair. You should have listened to me when I said screw the braids, let's style it into a mohawk and dye it purple."

Orochimaru grits his teeth and kicks Pein. The author giggles at the mental image, but her laughter is doomed to end too soon.

"I see you didn't waste all your money on poker, though. How much did you pay for the whore?" Jiraiya glances at the author who starts cursing Itachi. "Want to share?"

"Aha! Now it's her turn to sell herself!" Pein yells and points at the author. "You'll have to pay for her, Jiraiya, and I'm telling you she's not cheap. If you have enough cash, she'll do anything."

"Hell no!" The author's face turns purple. Itachi just can't do such a thing to her! She starts thinking. Itachi may be clever, but she believes she's even cleverer.

And the author decides to bluff.

"You know, Jiraiya, fanfiction writers know some jutsu too," she says. "Get out of here, or I'll curse you to have eternal writer's block and not a single plot bunny will ever get anywhere near you."

Jiraiya gets pale and runs away in horror.

"No! Don't go away! Wait! Pleeaaase!" Pein screams, his tearful eyes stuck to Jiraiya's back, but his whining is to no avail. Soon Jiraiya disappears from sight.

"Ah, he's gone! He's gone!" Pein falls on his knees, tearing his hair frantically and slamming his fist on the ground. "I'm doomed!"

"Yeah, this means we'll have to sell you again, Pein-chan." The author is relieved.

"Nooooo" Pein whines and Orochimaru pats his shoulder sympathetically.

...

No one can remember where Naruto is. They hear the sounds coming from the closet, but they misinterpret them.

"There's something in the closet, I tell you, and this time it's not just my paranoia," the Itachi clone whispers and an involuntary shudder shakes his shoulders.

"Oh, so last time it was your paranoia making sounds in the closet?" Deidara says sarcastically.

"Idiot! I'm telling you there's a weasel in the closet. Can't you hear it scratching on the door?"

"Oh no, the weasel panic again," Sasuke scoffs.

A few minutes later the three of them carefully approach the closet. The Itachi clone is armed with a frying pan.

"Now!" Sasuke yells, Deidara opens the door abruptly and the Itachi clone starts hitting with the frying pan and yelling "Die, you damn weasel!"

Five minutes later they realize they're beating the crap out of the tied up Naruto and they stop.

"Well, sometimes people make mistakes." The Itachi clone shrugs, Sasuke and Deidara glare at him accusingly.

"Well, you know…" he tries to cover things up, "Maybe it's a weasel that used transformation jutsu to make itself look like Naruto. I think we should keep hitting it, you know, for good measure."

They conclude this is a wise decision and continue to beat the crap out of Naruto.

...

Orochimaru and the author are standing in front of a glamorous shop window, clutching tightly the money Pein earned by selling his ass to the first horny ninja they could find. Pein is wincing, trying not to think about the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth horny ninja they could find. Orochimaru and the author are staring at the clothes in the shop with glazed eyes.

"I want this red dress!" the author screams with longing. Orochimaru gives her a terrified look and yells "No! I want the red dress! Minez!"

"Get lost! It will look better on me."

Everyone hates to admit it, but the author always has a point.

"But I saw it first! It must be mine!" Orochimaru is not giving up.

"Don't tell me you want to spend on clothes all the money I earned! You two are hopeless!" Pein is desperately hitting his head in the wall.

"Of course we're not going to waste all the money on clothes. We'll spend some of it here, and the rest will go for the beauty salon," the author says with a serious tone and Orochimaru nods with a happy smile. Pein is staring at them with disbelief.

"When you're in a fanfiction, you must look good," the author concludes, leaving Pein speechless. He can't help but admit she's right. Soon the three of them leave the shop, the author and Orochimaru giving each other angry glares and wearing identical red dresses. They're stumbling form time to time, trying to ignore the fact that the brilliant satin ruby red stilettos they're wearing are not made for walking on the uneven and dirty surface of a dusty road. Pein wears a pink suit, pink shirt and a crimson necktie. To tell the truth, he would have bought a gorgeous red dress too, but he wants to be unique for once, because he's fed up with wearing an akatsuki uniform every day.

Some time later the three of them are in the beauty salon. They're wrapped in towels after going through some spa procedures, and they're having their manicure done. Then, to their horror, they see someone stealing their clothes and running away.

"Stop him!" the author yells. "Do something! Use some jutsu."

"I can't," Pein whines, "the nail polish is not dry yet, if I do the hand signs, I'll ruin my manicure."

Orochimaru and the author realize they have the same problem. For a minute the three of them just sit there and squeal in panic, watching their clothes being taken away.

"That's it," the author says, "we're doomed to stay naked for the rest of our lives."

"It's not fair!" Orochimaru whines. "We need more money, we'll make Pein dance in a striptease club."

"Oro, my dear, how is he supposed to do striptease when he has nothing to take off?"

The author's brilliant logic makes Orochimaru shut up, Pein sighs in relief.

"That's why he'll merely dance completely naked!" the author says in conclusion. Orochimaru is grinning, Pein's face gets pale.

...

After one hour of intense interrogation, everyone is convinced that what they found in the closet is indeed Naruto.

"No weasel can be that stupid. It really is Naruto. I told you, Itachi. I think you overdid it a bit." Sasuke is pointing at Naruto's bruised face.

"Oh well, then you and Dei can make it up to him by giving him some nice screwing."

The Itachi clone settles on the couch and observes the process of "making it up" to Naruto. Naruto is pressed to the wall and Sasuke and Deidara attack him one after the other. He's still somewhat disoriented from being hit too many times with a frying pan and doesn't figure out what's happening to him. The fact that his head is banging against the wall at every thrust doesn't help much. Probably he won't be his usual self for days, which means he'll be nice and quiet. Why give him Ritalin when a good old frying pan can do the job? The Itachi clone is very pleased.

...

Orochimaru, Pein, and the author are on the street. Everyone is staring at them. Maybe their unconventional appearance has something to do with that. They're naked and covering themselves with a few branches they tore from the nearby bushes, the green leaves being their only outfit. After all, the towels belonged to the beauty salon and they couldn't keep them. However, at least their manicure is flawless.

"Hidden in the leaves, eh?" the author says, looking at the branches they're holding. Orochimaru and Pein give her annoyed glares.

The author finally loses her nerve. "I'm sick of this! Itachi is an idiot!" She waves her arm angrily. Then she realizes this is the hand she's holding the branch with. A few people stick their widened eyes to her, their jaws drop.

"Shit!"

The author hurries to cover herself again. Pein and Orochimaru roll their eyes.

"She's doing that thing with the branch for the third time already, and I think it was her who said we better not attract attention." Orochimaru points out. Pein nods in agreement, the two of them convinced in the author's stupidity. Much to their disappointment the author doesn't shut up.

"I'm stuck here, I don't even know where "here" is, I don't like this "side story" with Pein, Orochimaru and me, and I have no idea what Itachi is doing and what's going on in the main story!"

The author is frustrated beyond belief.

"I'm in my own damn fanfiction and everything is out of control! Now I understand how poor Kishimoto must have felt in my fic 'Kishi in fanficland'."

Suddenly Kabuto and Konan appear on the scene. Their eyes widen when they see in what state Orochimaru and Pein are.

"What the fuck? Pein?" Konan quickly takes her akatsuki cloak off and covers Pein with it.

"Nice hair, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto seems a bit envious.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kabuto, he looks dreadful. It should have been a purple mohawk, but… Ouch!" Pein is silenced with a heavy punch in the face after receiving a hateful glare form Orochimaru.

'Oro-sama with a purple mohawk. That sounds interesting, I should talk him into trying this.' Kabuto notes to himself.

"What's going on?" the author is more than curious about the reason for Kabuto and Konan's arrival.

"Konan and I were informed we could find Pein and Orochimaru here. So we came to take care of them."

Then everyone goes away and the author is left alone.

"Poor me! What am I supposed to do now? It's not fair! I want to be in the main story! In the Uchiha house, or at least somewhere in Konoha, damn it!"

The author still doesn't know she's going to regret her words very soon.

...

Sasuke, Naruto, Deidara and the Itachi clone are at the table, peacefully eating their dinner. Sasuke gives another suspicious glare to the girl who is cleaning the floor with a mop.

"Why is she here, Itachi?"

Everyone looks at the author who is struggling with a stain on the floor. The Itachi clone leans closer to Sasuke and whispers "You don't need to know, Sasuke, you really don't need to know."

The author stops her work. She seems furious and throws the mop at Itachi. "This is ridiculous!" she screams at the top of her voice. "When fangirls dream about being Itachi Uchiha's slave, what they mean is not this!"

Deidara suddenly frowns.

"Ita-chan, why is she wearing my perverted maid outfit?"

"I gave it to her." Naruto looks sheepishly at Deidara. "You know, the poor thing had nothing else to wear."

"It's mine! Take it off, bitch!"

Deidara runs to the author and starts angrily pulling her outfit, yelling "Give it back, damn it!" Finally he stomps away, the maid outfit tightly clutched in his fist. The author can't believe this is happening to her.

"When fangirls say they want Deidara to undress them, what they mean is not this!"

Everyone seems to be a bit nervous.

"Itachi, there is a naked fangirl in the middle of the living-room. Do something!" Sasuke keeps throwing disapproving glares.

"Ah-hem. She's naked… Aren't we supposed to be at least a little bit interested?" Naruto scratches his head in confusion.

"Yeah!" the author yells. "As far as I remember, guys in this fic are not completely gay!"

The Itachi clone smiles. It's the creepiest smile the author has ever seen.

"Remember who is writing the fic now?" His voice is icy cold and sarcastically polite. "I must inform you that in this chapter everyone is totally gay."

The author's jaw drops.

"But you did it with the hokage and… "

"I make the rules, I can break them and make exceptions."

The author hates to admit it, but the Itachi clone has a point.

"But… but… I'm pretty!" she screams in a final desperate attempt to attract attention. Then she seductively flips her waist-length black hair. The only reaction she receives is a disdainful scoff from Itachi.

"Do you seriously think you can compare to me? Huh! So naive."

Then with a fluid motion the Itachi clone lets his hair loose. He shakes his head, making his long, brilliant, midnight black, silky, soft and sparkly strands of hair wave around. Then he twirls a strand around his finger. The author is pwned.

In a few minutes everyone recover from the dazzling effect of Itachi's hair flipping and come back to their senses.

Sasuke seems to be in deep contemplation.

"You know Itachi, maybe this is not a fangirl. Maybe it's a weasel in disguise. I think we should kill it, you know, for good measure. You said it yourself. Well, I'll take care of this. At least we've already established a method to deal with such situations, I'll follow the procedure strictly," he says and grabs the frying pan with determination.

The author runs out of the house screaming "Itachi! When fangirls say they want Sasuke to give them some heavy banging and slam the daylights out of them, what they mean does NOT include being hit with a fucking frying pan!"

The Itachi clone shrugs. "I thought you liked it rough."

"Yeah, but not when it comes to being murdered with a frying… Ouch!"

The screaming author disappears from sight, followed by infuriated Sasuke. They're out of the house, but everyone can still hear their loud voices.

Then the author yells something she never believed was possible for her to say. Something a fangirl would never imagine herself saying, not in her entire life. As unbelievable as it may sound, the author yells "Not so hard, Sasukeee!" However, considering the circumstances, it makes perfect sense. Her desperate scream is followed by Sasuke's yell "Die, you damn weasel!" and the creepy sound of someone's head being brutally slammed with a frying pan.

Inside the house everything is peaceful again, now that Sasuke is dealing with the "unwanted elements".

Naruto seems even more confused. He scratches his head thoughtfully. "Hey, why she didn't say anything about what fangirls want me to do to them?"

The Itachi clone pats Naruto's shoulder sympathetically.

"Because, Uzumaki, all they want is you to shut the fuck up."

**to be continued (if the author survives the frying pan attack)**

**... ... ...**

**Itachi's author comment**

Man, I'm a genius! Yeah, that's right, being a ninja doesn't mean all you can do is throw shuriken and do weird ninjutsu stuff. Ha! If Jiraiya thinks he can write, I can do it too, no matter what this obnoxious author says. Speaking of the obnoxious author…

Me: *out of breath* Itachi!

Itachi: *sarcastically* Look who's back. You must have been in a hurry.

Me: Sasuke and the frying pan, remember? Uh. I hope you didn't turn the fic into a total mess. Your writing sucks! And I hope you didn't break my comp, or something.

Itachi: Um, no. But you know that bowl of sweets that's on your desk next to the comp?

Me: What about the sweets?

Itachi: I ate all of it.

Me: Bastard!

Itachi: Oh, and your ex-boyfriend came by to visit you. I surprised him from behind. You know, he has a nice ass.

Me: Yeah, I know… Wait what? Don't tell me you… Oh, I should have seen this! Serves him right.

Itachi: Now, don't you think you're supposed to say something for me? I still can't grasp the concept of it, but someone told me it was called a disclaimer.

Me: How dare you! Me? To say your disclaimer? Unbelievable! Uh… I guess I'll have to do it. Well… The characters don't belong to Itachi. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto. And I… *shakes her head sadly* I belong neither to Itachi, nor to Masashi Kishimoto. Though now I'm convinced that belonging to Itachi could be quite troublesome. Phew. In the next chapter everything will be back to normal. If there's anything in this fic that could be called "normal".

Sasuke: *frying pan in hand* Oh, so it wasn't a weasel, after all.

Itachi: Well, it doesn't make much difference.

Me: *eyeing the frying pan* Oh noes! *faints*

Sasuke: What's wrong with her? I was just planning to make some pancakes. Whatever.

Itachi: I think she might be developing a frying pan phobia.


End file.
